- Non-Erotic Poetry
- El Arish
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Like some cartoon caveman
from my childhood,
squat and stubborn
and earthed.
His hair wild
not yet greying,
bright yellow smudge
between index
and middle fingers
and a voice like falling rocks.
His face deeply scored
by earth gilded lines,
a desert enveloping
two lively, wet oases.
Every now and then
one reckless tear would
forge its way down the map
of his face
and plop onto the red gum bar.
I recall some deficiency
of his tear ducts.
Men don't cry out here.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerabout 12 years agowith my friend Tzara. I liked "forge" and "plop" just as I did with "scored," "gilded," "desert," and oases," all supporting the idea of contradiction. Contradiction I understood to be the point.
Tzaraabout 12 years agoespecially for Lit. Like gm, the title confused me at first (I was originally thinking, because of Google, of the Gaza Strip airport), and the phrase "red gum bar" helped me with the location of the narrative. I read this as being about an aboriginal man in a bar in northern Queensland, so if it isn't, ignore anything else I have to say.
Brief comments:
--"voice like falling rocks" is excellent.
--"earth gilded" should maybe be "earth-gilded". Evocative phrase. I think I like it.
--"reckless tear" Why reckless?
--"forge" seems wrong; the tear would follow the contours of the face, not forge a path.
--while "plop" is a great verb, I'm not sure I like it here. Maybe just drop the verb and move "to the red gum bar" up to the end of the previous line.
A really good read. Please take my comments merely as suggestions. I am not you and am interpreting what I read in your poem, which may be largely projection of my own interests.
I would like to cite certain aspects of your poem in a thread I will be starting on the Poetry Forum & Discussion about clarity and reference in poetry (in particular because of "El Arish," which was a bit confusing, and "red gum bar," which clarified that reference). I would like your OK to include you (and would look forward to your comments on the thread), so if you're OK with that, please PM me or send me anonymous feedback.
Thanks much. I liked your poem a lot.
greenmountaineerabout 12 years agoAt first I thought this was about El Arish, Egypt, until you pointed me in the right direction with "red gum bar" in this wonderfully poignant poem. A well written poem often makes me question my assumptions about how I perceive things. I liked S2 in particular.
Maria2394about 12 years agowas mentioned here-
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=40065119#post40065119
thanks for posting! I loved your poem
~ maria
