- Erotic Poetry
- From time to time
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Click hereFrom time to time, I want to know you
Caress those carnation breast and crown
Them with sugar-cubes and melt them down
With the subtle lambent of my warm tongue
Unfold your creases fermented with the
Asexual fragrance of a ancestral virgin
Invade your body slowly with the honeycomb
Penis as the silver lining of a stormy cloud
To undo the knots of your mind
That keep you attached to your
Insecurities
- COMMENTS
WilliamButlerYeatsabout 13 years agosilver lining of stormy cloud is the only weak point. We all have those moments where we settle on a line instead of trying for something greater. good work overall.
buttersabout 13 years agoit does, and you drew me in with the innovative 'carnation breasts' (you have a typo there, btw), and the sugar-cube imagery. however, 'subtle lambent' feels a little overworked for the line, not the concept but the actual wording, and then your lines:
Unfold your creases fermented with the
Asexual fragrance of a ancestral virgin
make me mentally back away from your write. it's not a good effect to have on your reader :( plus, another typo... a = an. i can see what you're getting at, but the wording makes me feel a little queasy, to be honest.
not sure the images you deliver with honeycomb penis/penis as the silver lining of a stormy cloud quite work together to best effect. either one works, and quite well, but the overlapping of them seems to detract from them as individual, strong images.
what you have going for this is some originality; just be wary about setting one image against another in conflict rather than in support and look to your word-choices with a little more care. keep writing! i enjoyed the read.
