All Comments on 'Golbahar Used to Live in Kabul'

risky

.if God wills it," flicking horseshit

reading empson? or just adroit use of linguists?

Golbahar seems a very patronizing mispronouncia'shun of an Afghan lady's name !?! Otherwise 5-ed .

The name came from a Google search. No intention to have been patronizing. Are you suggesting Gul Bahar is more appropriate? If so, the sonics work for me, so consider it as the replacement. Please let me know if you re-visit.

Having problems getting my head around lines 5 & 6, mebbe reading it wrongly.Effectively leaves an overall impression of survival and what it takes.

Gol means Round . Bahar is the great Outside or Nature : Gul Bahar would imply a Natural Bouquet or Blossoms of Nature an appropriate name for a young Afghan beauty . Round Nature would be hinting @ Rotundiity or extremely inappropriately referring to her breasts or ass which no good Muslim parent would do or Maulvi allow !! So Gul Bahar would be a better name : it's two words Gul & Bahar . GM , i'm always amazed @ your sheer humility in acceptin' constructive comments in spite of the fact that alongwith Demure you're leagues ahead of the rest of us in terms of Poetic aesthetics ! Thank You for being you --A9

the whole tone is dim and bleak, but the humanity portrayed in survival is vivid, I must agree with Ashesh in terms of your ability being outstanding.

this edit really portrays a lot better than the first draft in the five sense, the bones are there but bringing it into stark narrative heightens the read for me thank you for sharing

Perhaps it's using (or misusing; see Ashesh's comment) unfamiliar personal nouns. Delaram is a girl's name and the Gomal is the river that separates portions of Afghanistan and Pakistan. Your and Ashesh's comments are making me re-think this. Desejo pulls it off nicely in her poems; Tzara does too sometimes.

Food for thought.

pieces like these leave me bereft of useful comment. only admiration.

re the gol/gul - interpretation can be a slippery fish. the english translation of Gol works with the image of her luscious body, and yet ash's comment isn't one to dismiss either. difficult. depends on your audience, ultimately, and since your pieces address the geography of the world, a broader audience (with different cultural sensibilities) should inform your thinking here in this piece.

re: Golbahar, I'm thinking right now of an edit which replaces the personal pronoun with the impersonal pronoun "she" which, come to think of it, makes sense, given how women are hidden behind burqas. Delaram, which Wiki tells me is a female Afghan name, should remain because revealing her body before she takes her own life is a defiant personal statement unless Ashesh informs me that the name Delaram also is questionable. The intent here is to exalt the two women, in the one case tragically and the other with the absurd.