All Comments on 'Gunslinger'

it's an uncomfortable (for me) mixture of the surprising and vivid with the cliché. i'm guessing it's quite intentional but i'm having problems with it.

i feel you could omit L3 altogether, as its inclusion reads just too clichéd verbosity. what i really liked, though, was your 'packed with scorpions and dust', 'of neurons and haemoglobin', and - most of all - your final image of

beneath a cool rock,

a rattlesnake

erupts from its egg.

such flavour and aridity in this write. is it aimed at the genre in general, a particular film-maker, perhaps, or an actor?

if you could scrap that entire mid-section:

A sudden movement at the bar

and his iron flashes,

peppering the mirror

with an April shower

of neurons and hemoglobin.

to leave you with:

Ancient hand

lifts a shot glass

packed with scorpions

and dust.

He lights a match,

and the piano player

resumes his piece,

while beneath a cool rock,

a rattlesnake

erupts from its egg.

or, adjust it like this (excuse the liberties i'm taking with your write, these are only suggestions):

Ancient hand

lifts a shot glass

packed with scorpions

and dust.

A sudden movement

and his iron flashes,

peppering the mirror

with neurons and hemoglobin.

He lights a match,

and the piano player

resumes his piece,

while beneath a cool rock,

a rattlesnake

erupts from its egg.