All Comments on 'Infantry'

Been There Too

tight construction, unified

This could become a classic poem. At the moment I find weakness in the repetition of pronouns. (IMHO) It could become stronger and more universal if you were to present the verb phrases such as:

I hunt. . .

I hunker. . .

I stumble. . .

I find. . .

without the "I" and in a varied manner.

By writing in the first person you do not involve the readers, you tend to make them mere observers. [Please don't change "I" to "you" that has an even worse effect. ;) ]

Thank you for the read.

Like this poem alot, It works just how it is, don't change a thing!

I wrote this in the first person for a reason. It is a first person encounter- one mother and her child. I don't believe that it has alienated my readers at all. Any mother or father who has been there understands... and they might be looking at it from my eyes, but they are also seeing it from their own eyes, which is what makes it different from the rest.

Thanks for the feedback

Nicely conveys the innocence of a child at play and a mother's nurturing care.