by MungoParkIII
reduce the poem down to this and you'll have a much improved (and kick-ass) poem:
The first night we met
you weren't real
you were only
impulse,
ecstatic electronic impulse
vibrating in tiny sparks,
colored sparks:
a blue
like a blue bandanna
tied to a white dog
in a snow storm,
blue like nothing else
is color,
but blue, blue blue.
Jagged blue sparks,
impulse,
only impulse.
I could see the metaphors streaming to your mind from different semantic fields, and you have to decide: do I choose do I put them all together, will they hang together (so to speak), do I edit out some. You opted for the former; I somehow came with a feeling of mixed metaphors. Each was evocative, no doubt. The auditory channel -screams and silence and t he visual channel of course. The allusion to the elements of written language - all struggling to capture in different ways the same thing for a short poem I felt. a bit thrown around. With your richness, it could have been a basis, as Wicked Eve put it, to a three “kick - ass” separate, maybe each stronger poems.
BTW, I forgot to mention. How could you call the first, I believe eighteen lines non - erotic? Or the whole poem for that matter?
there is something about this repetition and return to the blue that give it a strengh, that it would lack if parsed.