All Comments on 'My First Time in Girl Land'

very nice

sexy, innocent, pure

but so Hot!

makes me wish i was a woman.

thank you for this

up until the last 2 lines, I think that considering all things, there maybe should be a separation between the last 2 lines, otherwise it gives the impression that its the first time for a shower, which is kinka icky...

Deft, packed with emotion, LOVE it!

I liked the pace and there was some interesting and original language, but that was coupled with a number of cliches... (smelling the roses, nibbling the edges). The pace was good, but with each thought expressed on a line, the poem became a procession of catch phrases instead of a flowing, building wave.

I think if you enjambed the lines (carried the thought over several lines) you could still keep the pace, but it would read more naturally. You could further enhance it in my opinion if you infused some punctuation, giving the reader direction on how "you" want the poem to be read. Something like:

"Girls in spike heels:

my first time in girl land

with a rock and roll band.

Girls in power suits

and so many perfumes,

my jeans are too tight

I just didn?t know."

Something like that. Read your version out loud, it becomes a bit of a chant, which in some cases works, but here I think it detracts from the unique language you use.

I think you have a good poem that with a bit of work could really shine...

jim : )

You didn't tell me you had a poem, GF! This is good! Listen to jthserra- he knows his stuff! Keep on, and TY!

Boo