- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Night Watch
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In the skippy focus shifter of ever unclear almost reality
drenching my senses with a shooting star memorial flood,
leafing through days and notorious notions of multivariety
becomes a struggle to soothe sanity and pinch the power,
into a pinnacle of my cringing clawing consciousness
just long enough to record comprehensible moments fleeing,
behind lids lovingly shielding my neververse from a now
in this dark dreary room still hours from sunrise salvation.
However, too late to turn back, I prance that paradigm shift
and muscles spasm reluctantly to pry my vision open again,
as my other senses cranks the slow wheels and gears feeding
intricate information down still sleepy neural highways,
and i know that it is good, this world still dark but clear
enough to feel your tranquil shape and breath so close,
so almost onto me that childhood darkness now transformed
will shield and shelter the whole of us, and maybe even this
madness that I sink back into, content balanced assured
by that nightly spot check telling me that a multivariety
shooting star flood can rage though my pinnacle point,
and trip me out again this night as every night before.
- COMMENTS
GoddessWithRedHairabout 20 years agoThat is how I felt basically the whole poem, lost. When I reached these lines,
"into a pinnacle of my cringing clawing consciousness
just long enough to record comprehensible moments fleeing,
behind lids lovingly shielding my neververse from a now
in this dark dreary room still hours from sunrise salvation."
although powerful and beautiful, coupled with your first 2 couplets my brain was on overload trying to comprehend what I had just read. I was lost with too many words.
I did have to read it twice, just to find my way out with a concept of what this poem was about. I did enjoy the fact you used uncommon words well, but there were just so many, by the end of the poem I was tired and just wanted out.
A good poem, but I think it needs a bit of editing. I hope I helped by telling you where I had problems. I don't want this to be harsh at all.
All the best,
GoddessRed
jthserraabout 20 years agoPowerful couplets lead to an excellent poem here... the long lines, long sentences, driving force increase the paranoia to an explosion. Damn...
jim :)
WickedEveabout 20 years agolike skippy focus shifter, but I have to agree with Ange. Put this poem on a diet. Just a little one. :)
Angelineabout 20 years agoand I know how much I want my poems accepted when I try something new--and yet...it feels like there's too much here, too much alliteration, too many adjectives. Maybe it's me because it's good, but I think I like your poems more when they're a bit leaner. :)
