- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Note Origami
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Click hereIn eighth grade
The origami began
Girlfriends folding messages into little envelopes
Triangles with corners tucked in
Even cootie catchers
Folds sealing in power
Like a gris-gris
Written in Arabic by a Sahel healer
A blessing, maybe a curse
I saw a girl with one yesterday
She read it over and over
Ritually refolded it along the smudged creases
Zipped it safely in a secret pocket of her backpack
Even with facebook google flickr bing
what you can hold in your hands
and keep forever
is magic
I’ve emailed you more apologies
than anyone else in my life
Sorry I said
Sorry I did
Sorry I’m so direct
Sorry I can’t help myself
I wonder
if I dig out my Mont Blanc fountain pen
retrain my hand to move in curves, crosses and dots
fold the thoughts into shapes
and whisper a spell
Maybe I’ll be more successful
- COMMENTS
demure101almost 12 years agoA lovely poem - of one's two parallel pasts the cyber one still holds no magic yet; the tangible past-to-be does.
Desejoabout 13 years agoAuthorChipbuddy: your suggestions make a lot of sense to me. I wasn't completely satisfied with the ending on this one - probably should have waited to submit it.
Thanks to all of you for commenting. I'm new, but eager to learn!
buttersabout 13 years agoit engages from the start and keeps me interested .. that's good. you give us little intimate glimpses into the private life of a girl we'll never meet other than in your poem but it's enough to make her 'live'.
in this part, though:
I wonder
if I dig out my Mont Blanc fountain pen
retrain my hand to move in curves, crosses and dots
fold the thoughts into shapes
and whisper a spell
Maybe I’ll be more successful
i feel you're overworking it just a little. do you need to say 'fountain', for instance? wouldn't either pen OR fountain be enough if you don't think the name alone will be? do you absolutely need 'to move'? won't we understand what's intended by 'retrain my hand in curves, crosses, dots'? (btw, i like the crosses and its implications *nods*, and the elipses ... ). perhaps, even, 'retrain my hand in the language of curves, crosses and dots'. do you really need 'the' in L4 there? 'fold thoughts into shapes' reads cleaner to me ... and i do, absolutely DO, like that concept you have there. it's lovely! again, is 'and' required at the start of the following line? lastly, this feels to reach its natural conclusion with the word 'maybe', even add an ellipse there :D
I wonder
if I dig out my Mont Blanc
retrain my hand in the language of
curves, crosses, and dots
fold thoughts into shapes
whisper a spell
maybe ...
