All Comments on 'Note Origami'

I read your response, on the other.

this works:

"Like a gris-gris

Written in Arabic by a Sahel healer

A blessing, maybe a curse"

even this, I can see a reason behind:

"if I dig out my Mont Blanc fountain pen"

This is quite organized. Pretty straight through (building upon previous lines) , with enough twists to keep it interesting.

Maybe someone else will come though, point out some other shit, I did my job. A5

I liked this as well. You mix the exotic (gris gris, Sahel healer) with the common - girls passing notes in 8th grade - in an entertaining way and contrast handmade origami notes or handwritten letters to electronic communications to effectively convey the 'magic' of intimate communication.

it engages from the start and keeps me interested .. that's good. you give us little intimate glimpses into the private life of a girl we'll never meet other than in your poem but it's enough to make her 'live'.

in this part, though:

I wonder

if I dig out my Mont Blanc fountain pen

retrain my hand to move in curves, crosses and dots

fold the thoughts into shapes

and whisper a spell

Maybe I’ll be more successful

i feel you're overworking it just a little. do you need to say 'fountain', for instance? wouldn't either pen OR fountain be enough if you don't think the name alone will be? do you absolutely need 'to move'? won't we understand what's intended by 'retrain my hand in curves, crosses, dots'? (btw, i like the crosses and its implications *nods*, and the elipses ... ). perhaps, even, 'retrain my hand in the language of curves, crosses and dots'. do you really need 'the' in L4 there? 'fold thoughts into shapes' reads cleaner to me ... and i do, absolutely DO, like that concept you have there. it's lovely! again, is 'and' required at the start of the following line? lastly, this feels to reach its natural conclusion with the word 'maybe', even add an ellipse there :D

I wonder

if I dig out my Mont Blanc

retrain my hand in the language of

curves, crosses, and dots

fold thoughts into shapes

whisper a spell

maybe ...

Chipbuddy: your suggestions make a lot of sense to me. I wasn't completely satisfied with the ending on this one - probably should have waited to submit it.

Thanks to all of you for commenting. I'm new, but eager to learn!

Five.

and successfully accomplished. S.O.

A lovely poem - of one's two parallel pasts the cyber one still holds no magic yet; the tangible past-to-be does.