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Click hereI sit nervously as my life rests between his thumb and fingers.
He rubs his chin.
Nice enjambment. Good use of alliteration,
assonance.
He draws a vertical line beside a stanza.
This is a lovely conceit. The parenthetical
metaphors are an interesting touch.
Turns a page.
Good emotion, good sense. Clear, without
being too simple. Works on several levels, with a
bit of synechdoche here, metonymy there. The rhythm
is interesting, without being jumpy and disjointed.
I like the use of the slow Molossus where the heat
of the afternoon has slowed things to a crawl.
Circles a few lines.
This is not so good. The onomatopoeia here
seems contrived and stilted. Also, you’ll note
you state the same thing twice. Once, nicely, subtly.
But then you explain it to the reader. Don’t you trust your
reader?
He rubs his chin again, flipping to the last page.
I’m not at all a fan of inverted syntax he says
and your conclusion, quite frankly, seems weaker
than some of the previous stanzas.
He hands my thin pinch of papers back to me
and smiles.
Nevertheless, I think you may eventually write
something worthwhile.
I smile, thank him, shake his hand, and walk
out of his office, as though i had any goddam
idea what he had just said to me.
~
I think I had a head ache last year...frankly I can't remember... but can't a person revisit a poem and say more? Of course he can. This is hilarious! What a parody of students being under the oppressive rule of the all knowing professors…
I especially remember the dreaded "synecdoche"... the technical term for this type of metaphor sounded so funny, it was spontaneously adopted as a serious bad name: "you synecdoche, you promised to take the book for me from the library, I knew I could not trust you!"
Funny Ironic and pained at the same time I could add more but I am afraid it will get me into the same trap this poem might be pointing to. I'll just smile and be silent (for a change).
Love the free verse. I always have said that it takes a poet who knows his or her stuff metrically and otherwise to create scintillating free verse.
I attempted a similar sort of work a while back and it did not come out like this. You have done an excellent job with this POV, Foehn.
nice work
g_g
I am quite familiar with this feeling....say what?Haha..a certain someone left me a comment once that I had to look up every other word he said, for I had no clue what he was talking about.Hmmm..who could that have been..haha *wink*