All Comments on 'Quiet on the tip of her tongue'

by Liar

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8 Comments

butters over 13 years ago

you opened with originality, and closed with the same - for me.

oh, and then there were those original moments between the other two as well.

two it's that ought to be its

it's absence, and it's split square.

what stand out for me, above the hair kissing shoulders, and the pines, magpies and machinery, are:

But the moon moves fast tonight,

pushing its split square across

the floor,

Micro cuts on

her tender membrane of control,

and a shout lodged

deep in each too full lung

Will it be enough stillness

to mend the bruise of day this time?

with that last example, would that work as well for you simply as 'Will it be enough/to mend the bruise of day?' ? or even 'will I be enough ...?'

theognis over 13 years ago

*****

Shouldn't the second 'on' in the first line be 'of'?

Chipbutty is right about the 'it's', but there's also an 'its' that should be an 'it's'.

Five.

Liar over 13 years agoAuthor

Argh.

I got the its bass ackward. Eh well.

Angeline over 13 years ago

Swoon-worthy!

O do I love the way you write (though that may be a little self-congratulatory because I think our style is similar in free verse poems). Yeah there's a few typos and I don't think this poem is as good as it could be yet....and still there is a warmth and musicality, a feeling of cherishing that radiates from it and makes me feel really good reading it. "split-ends" sounds a little clunky to me but otoh it does convey that you love all of this person, even the (on the surface) less attractive parts. Overall it's songlike and that, to me, is of very high value in a poem.

UnderYourSpell over 13 years ago

Well I missed every typo as I was too enthralled with the story for imperfections to intrude and the ending is so bittersweet it's wonderful

vrosej10 over 13 years ago

Nice compact writing. Something about the micro cut bit bothered me because I have the feeling there is another name for tiny cuts in membranes but its escaping me and you know poets, well we need to use the exact name of things. Getting a recommend.