- Erotic Poetry
- Silk Slip Of Nothing
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blue thoughts try and tie
me down.
only I have red
in mind.
a silk slip of nothing
sliding over nipples.
caressing
staking claim to my hills
and valleys of wet moistness
melt, make milky cum come
betwixt two pink lips
that just beg to be kissed ...
- COMMENTS
Anonymousalmost 18 years agoSome of the line breaks seem weird.
"me down" alone on one line doesn't work well.
The internal rhyme in the first line is okay.
Too many gerunds for such a brief poem: sliding, caressing, staking.
Why not use a silk slip of nothing
slides over nipples,
caressing,
staking claim to my hills
and valleys of wet moistness...
Hills and valleys and wet moistness is so overused in erotic poetry.
milky cum come
betwixt two pink lips
cum come?
betwixt sounds wrong in this poem!
The ending is predictable.
Exercising my right to: ("Love it? Hate it? Have suggestions? You can leave a public comment on this submission!)
sincerely,
unregistered and anonymous but avid reader
Anonymousalmost 18 years agothe tongue-two-stepping amazement in this poem, "melt, make milky cum come," "staking claim," "betwixt two pink lips." Makes my mouth want to keep bumbling away and finally surrender in a wordless wolf whislte of stiff appreciation.
What I'm wondering, though, is how you know I dream in such vivid color? <evil grin>
~S&D
bigntenderalmost 18 years agothe colors run through the poem and hold it together. very sensuous!
My Erotic Trailalmost 18 years agowhat more could you possibly add (~_*) <grin, perfectly placed words like clothes scattered on a stairway, ascending, before ya know it your there in a silk slip doing something <grin... excellent!
sackalmost 18 years agoI happen to read your other poem first and was bowled over. This maybe could be a little longer, it seems to end a tad bit too soon!
