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Click hereI am swimming in, a bag of denial
drowning as, I'm going senial
Wanting to bolt, and run away from me
while wrapping myself, in everlasting ecstasy
Natural order and balance, they are gone
the light known as energy, it can not be shone
I know only sorrow, i can feel only pain
the calm centered stillness, it has turned into rain
My soul could float away, then only hope would remain
to stop my soul from swapping, on a ghostly plain
With my destiny unfolding, right before my eyes
i quickly put on my life jacket, and pray no-one dies
You know where your soul is today?
Sitting here reading your messages
You know where your soul is today?
Sitting here reading your messages
A few too many commas and I
Have to say I think that ecstasy
is used too much in poetry but it
does kinda work here so i can let
that go, Over all I really enjoyed
this piece.
Good work,
thanks.
~ J
This poem illuminated from the soul and now shines.
Swapping yesterday for today!
Swimming in a bag? I'd seriously reconsider bag.
I'd stick with the correct spelling of senile instead of playing with it to get an exact rhyme.
Get rid of the commas in the first two stanzas. They don't belong. And you have a few more unneeded ones scattered through your poem.
These two lines have potential:
the calm centered stillness, it has turned into rain
to stop my soul from swapping, on a ghostly plain
Please keep writing and reading poetry. Your writing will grow over time if you nurture it.
wow, Your poetry has deepened and gotten broader
very very good sweetie, but if I know the ninja soul
that inside you glows, your keen sight still looks down your cute nose <grin> wonderful poem