All Comments on 'straight lies'

the truth, I mean, when it gets where its going its like a full deep breath in an oxygen starved room :)

but you need to be a bit more subtle. Have a little mystery about the poem and then reveal it all at the end.

To do this, you just need a few changes. Completely take out: "how gay I was" and move "I'm strait god damnit" to the bottom with this line: left me whispering.

So, the beginning will look like this:

spoken lies

that held no power

to your eyes,

that pierced my

mystery.

and the ending like this:

I smile now

remembering, you

turned away,

teasing with your truthful lips,

left me whispering,

""I'm strait god damnit."

These are only quick suggestions that I'm sure can be improved on. Hope it helps some. :)

~knowing the poet has requested honest feedback~

this is a cool story overall, really, but it could be shorter. I would cut out some of the description (although hot!) as I think you can get to your point of the forceful unveiling of the truth without many of the lines that repeat what has already been said.

You also kind go back and forth between rhyme and no rhyme at the end of your lines. If they are incidental/accidental rhymes, you might consider making some changes so they are more embedded and subtle.

For example:

"I'm strait god damnit"

spoken lies*

that held no power

to your eyes,*

that pierced my*

mystery.

First, you do not need to say "spoken" as your quotes tell us this. If you change it up, the "i" sound will still offer a rhyme witout setting you up for a patttern.

"I'm strait god damnit"

but lies hold no power over your

sharp eye that pierces my mystery."

I really want to see this poem cut to the essentials, as I think it has great promise, as does this newcomer to literotica poetry. Some of the detail detracts from the point of the poem, and that is a shame, because it is a great point. :)

with some nice images. I especially liked this:

unspoken words

pinned my truth

to bedroom wall.

I agree with both Eve and Anna about reworking it a bit, paring some of the content to increase impact. By the way, do you mean warm "breath" bathed?. Thanks for the read, Blue.

I loved the descriptions and the pauses (stanzas) were almost like breaths. The kind of breaths you take when you're unsure and excited at the same time. I really enjoyed this. Maybe it's me, but I don't think it's too long, just maybe a couple of places should be reworked as suggested.

light

R~~~