The Lonliness

It's been so many years
My lovely wife

Two beautiful children

Two houses

Two cars

Two careers

A dog

Yet you can't look at me any longer without judgement
Or disappointment
In your expression or touch

Or lack of it

The loneliness comes to me at night
Always

An unwelcome guest
While you preoccupy yourself with everything else
So you don't have to talk with me
Or look at me
Or touch me

We avoid each other after the children go to sleep
I spend my evenings alone even when you are there

Darkness that drains me
Plagues me
Sadness
Doubt
and Worry

And I cry to myself
Alone

I try and bring it up to you
Talk to you
But you don't pay attention

What is it that I've done so wrong?

I cry because of what I've lost
And at what I've failed to nurture with you
The fear that it will never return

I don't know how to fix it
to Reach you
Fix us

I long for you
and I miss you

So I wrote you a letter

Some memories

Of us,
When we were younger
Our first years together...

I spent so much time doing it
I cried writing each paragraph
From happiness

I gave it to you on your Birthday
I was hopeful

Looking back I can see it was a demand
I'm sorry for that
A demand given as a gift isn't a true gift

It was
A last call for you to pay attention
To us

What I had hoped was that you'd read it and remember
Some of the happier times with me
I'd hoped you would read it

But you didn't
Said you needed to be in a better space to do that
You set it aside

I don't know what hurts more to me
That you never read that Birthday gift I gave you
Or that you forgot it even existed
Forgot that I existed

It sits in my drawer
I took it back without you even knowing
And you didn't even notice

What was a gift of love and happiness is now
A symbol of our failing relationship

You told me by your inactions and the words you didn't say exactly where we stood
Where I stood with you

That I wasn't in your life
Your thoughts
Your emotions
That I was last

I was cast aside to some place you couldn't deal with
Or address
Locked away until you have enough reserve to remember

Remember what it was like to smile with me

To laugh with me
To share dreams
To hold me
To let me hold you
To let me love you
To make love
To touch me without cringing
To look at me with wonder and not apathy or pain
To forgive

I'm sorry for all that I've done to harm our relationship

I just don't know how much longer I can wait for you

To remember.