by stacistatas
I like your choice of words in communicating your thoughts and observations. It might be interesting to re-write this without thinking about making the rhymes always at the end. Internal rhyme is exciting because it is unpredictable and sounds very cool. I think you used the end rhyme really well, I usually cannot read a rhyming poem all the way through and I read yours several times.
It might be fun to experiment! I do this with my own poems. Take a 40 liner and make it 5 lines just to see if I can and see how it changes everything but can still deliver my message.
I am not suggesting that you change your poem. Just play around with it and see what happens :)
all the best,
anna
without aim, we drift
and slowly, stray far from
earthly claims....
I want to go further! I might but not here... it is your thread :)
Drifting slowly
with no aims
straying far from
earthly claims
Your poem was mentioned on the thread
"New Poem Reviews"
thanks for the journey
Art~