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Click hereUntitled (coming to terms)
Can we come to terms?
In none too certain words
In all too candid times
With stark-raving,
shock-waving,
self-saving,
apoplectic,
unapologetic,
unsupported-hectic,
anxious, extorted,
malformed panic of
purposefully paranoic,
altogether turgid,
insufferably splendid,
saccharine-addicted,
adrenaline-blaming,
Savagely unconscionable sames.
Can we breath another verse?
Can we beat another horse?
Shoot another equine dose?
Regrettably unsettled,
The unsettling uproar,
Upright and uptight,
This cowboy's gun-shy-
With buckshot on our thighs,
Passing through pedantic lies
Telling ourselves,
Upending our...
red, lust, screaming
uneasy, wet conscious,
blood-streaming,
hairs-raised,
clam bakes
dragging –
gabbing gossip
screaming out loud
like secretions –
Unending & Untended
We'll sell anything
Felling large trees,
Spilling much seed,
Succumbing to deception
Impoverished lines
Like lies spit
Through gripped teeth:
Clenched,
absorbing stench.
I felt like I needed some caffeine to calm me down. And personally, I like the way it shot out like rapid fire.
more machine-gun like than song, which is fine if that's your intention as I think it is. I often play with writing this way and the hard part is to make it about more than the sound. I think you've done that admirably well (considering how hard I feel this is to do), but like 1201 says stuff needs to come out. I'd lose what isn't giving both sound and meaning and try to connect up the theme more. But overall really good, an easy five.
Ok, here is where you start thinking, about chopping and what you don't want to do. See my other comment (I think, I left one) about something to relate too.
malformed panic of
purposefully paranoic,
altogether turgid,
insufferably splendid,
saccharine-addicted,
Even though the title suggests, just one of this type of thing is tough to make work, let alone it being a significant portion of the poem.
100 anyway