tagNon-Erotic PoetryWhy can't I just believe?

Why can't I just believe?

byButterflies512©

Why can't I just believe?
doubt and skepticism
the fantastical magical story of it all
It can't be true, life is not like this

It took so long for me to believe in the first place
months and months and months
mostly because I never thought a guy like you
would be attracted to me
and maybe you aren't
maybe you never were
but I saw those looks you gave me
the hunger in your eyes

Oh, I want it to be true
I want it to be true more than I've ever wanted anything
but I can't just believe
I need evidence
something concrete
something undeniable
something to tell me that you are as wrapped up in this fine tale as I have become

Until last week
I thought we had this down
but what you called into question
is the very basis of my belief

Until last week
I felt badly not believing in you
I felt as though you had
painstakingly
proven to me that I was not making it up

Until last week...

And now, I want to believe
oh, I want to believe
I try with all my being to chase out that doubt
that doubt I told you I was without
but you showed me the doubt was still there
the doubt was waiting for me
right where it always had been

if you pull the legs out from under the table
does it still stand up?

what do I need now?
do I go on believing you're doing this to me on purpose?
because that hurts too.
hurts inside my very soul
were you never there to begin with
when did I lose touch with reality?
I want to believe you are watching me right now
my struggles
because you know
deep in my heart
I believe enough, enough for now

but...there aren't really giants in the sky
so maybe I'd better climb back down this bean stalk
before I get any more hurt than I already am
maybe I'd better leave with my singing harp
and spend the rest of my days listening to her magical tales
instead of spinning my own

did I trap you in my web?
or did I only trap myself?
or did you trap me in yours?

I wait. I wait. I wait.
for a scrap
a crumb
anything you offer
anything you deign to provide me
to end my suffering

the love I have for you
is deeper than any emotion I've ever experienced
do you know that
or do my words fall into nothingness?

do you read
what I write
Or have you ignored it
trying to get your point across?

to think
that you never read anything
is a thought too painful
to entertain
I hope
hope
hope
it's not the truth

is there a truth?
Is there truth?
will I ever know?
Do you wish me to continue
going down this path to
this path to
insanity?
or will you give me the smallest
crumb
to refill my soul?

Why can't I just believe?
Plausible deniability.
You hear (if you hear at all) my every thought and wish and desire
and yet yours, yours you keep under lock and key
I don't ask much
I never have
I just need
something
anything
please...

PS I've always been this crazy, I've just done a better job of hiding it.

1/16/13

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