A Child's Punishment

I was sitting at the table one morning, drinking a cup of coffee before heading in to the office to pretend to be working. I had been doing this now for the past three weeks, staying as late as possible before coming home. I knew Laurie was doing the same and spending long hours with her young artist. I wondered where they were meeting to consummate their lust. Maybe it was time to follow her again to end this charade. I decided tonight to do just that. I felt a little better at the thought of finally doing something. I was smiling to myself when Laurie came down. She saw the smile and mistook it for something other than what it was.

"Well, it seems you are in a better mood finally. It's been a while since you've done anything except grunt at me. Do you feel like talking to me this morning?" She sat down across from me with a cup of her own.

"What is it you want me to say? It seems to me you made it very clear that I was mistaken and that you want me to believe your story rather than the truth." I sipped my coffee, looking up at her. As usual she wouldn't hold my gaze. She lowered her eyes to the table before answering.

"Why is it that you are so convinced that something is going on? Can't you trust me? Don't you believe that Rafael is simply a talented artist and that he used me as a model for his last painting? Honestly Peter, I don't see what you do." She did raise her eyes this time and I held them with my own.

"No, I don't believe that, and neither do you. I just wish you would tell me flat out that you want out of this marriage and that you want the freedom to do what you want. Why is that so hard?" I was becoming angry at her insistence that I was in the wrong.

"Damn it Peter! I don't want out of this marriage! Why do you insist on trying to make something out of nothing? Why? I've done nothing wrong! Nothing!"

"And what did I see the night I took the painting? What would have happened if I had not been there? He put his arm around you and you were moving closer to him. I saw you! And I know you! I saw you and I knew that you were going to let him kiss you. Deny that! I dare you to deny it!"

"All right! Maybe I would have, but it would have meant nothing and I would have immediately stopped it! You have to believe me that I know how to control myself. And I feel nothing for Rafael Sanchez except respect for his talent. That can be intense but it is nothing else. I don't believe Rafael feels that way about me and I certainly don't have those feelings for him. That is the truth!"

"That's where we disagree. He does have feelings for you and I believe you return those feelings. I know what I saw and I know the hours you are spending at the gallery every night are not spent alone. Tell me I'm wrong about that!"

"You're not wrong but it's not what you think. We are working on a major showing of his work in New York. It's going to happen next month and our gallery is going to be the sponsor. It will mean a great deal to us and mean more publicity and the increased business that will bring. That's what I've been doing."

"Congratulations. Will you be going to New York with our Rafael? Spend a few nights with him? Just the two of you?"

Laurie looked at me in fury, threw her coffee cup against the wall behind me and then ran out of the kitchen, sobbing loudly. I watched her go with mild interest. I had my plans and I would get the proof I needed this evening. Then I could end this fiasco.

I left for work, knowing Laurie would be getting dressed for her own plans. I knew what I was going to do now and I felt better than I had in some time. I spent a few hours with my top staff going over some new clients and some new business and left it to them to carry it out. They had been working independently for some time anyway and I thought about finally making it permanent. I could retire and the money from my commissions would continue to flow in. I could go back to doing those things we used to enjoy together: surfing, camping, cycling. Lots of things a man still young could do. Hell yes! I had just turned thirty six. Plenty of time to do other things, meet new people, maybe some new women. Why not? My life was still ahead of me.

Right at six, I left the building and drove over to the gallery. It closed at six thirty during the week so I sat down in the little café across the street and watched. I noted that several people came out and walked away. I paid little attention to them until I noticed one woman walking away, her back now to me. I thought I recognized her but couldn't place her. As she got further and further away, my brain continued to process what I saw and it finally dawned on me. It was Rachael, my mother! I started to rise and follow her when I saw Rafael Sanchez exit the shop, Laurie stopping in the doorway and talking to him.

I sat back down and watched the exchange. It was obviously something they were disagreeing on since there were several gestures indicating emotion. I couldn't tell what it was about until Raphael drew his hand down in a dramatic sweep and stood there holding that pose and my wife's eyes. She finally dropped her head and looked down at her hands. Raphael strode rapidly away and Laurie watched him go. She shook her head as if in frustration then walked back inside. I ordered a coffee to go and waited for Laurie to close up. I was going to follow her to her car, and then to wherever she went.

It was only five more minutes when Laurie exited the gallery carrying a rolled tube. She locked the door behind her and then started down the street. I was taken by surprise when she walked past the lot where she was parked. She was going further down the street: she was going to his apartment! While I had expected something, some sign of her planned betrayal, this was more than I had expected. I thought she would be more discrete. Apparently her disregard for me was so complete that she had no need for subtlety. At least now I could follow her keeping out of sight since I knew her destination. I followed her the three blocks to where he lived and watched her walk up the steps to his building's entrance.

Enough of remembering! I jerked my attention back to the sight before me. She had disappeared up the stairs to his second floor apartment. I had my proof. She was having an affair with him just as I assumed. And she had made a choice without keeping to her word: to tell me in advance so I could set her free. Just like my mother! Just as I expected! I knew when I asked her for her promise to tell me before betraying me that she would do just as my mother had before her. I knew it. Mother betrayed dad and asked me to lie for her. Laurie betrayed me and asked to accept her lie. Where was the difference?

I walked back to my car and drove home. I took my time, knowing Laurie would be very late tonight. I had time to make some decisions, to make plans. I walked into my house, feeling the silence, the emptiness. That feeling was new but I knew it was going to be the feeling that prevailed from now on.

I had no appetite so I just grabbed a beer from the fridge and went in to the family room. I sat down in my chair, stabbed the remote at the TV and sat back to let the mindless drivel soak into my weary brain bringing oblivion with it. She would be gone now at least two or three hours so I couldn't expect her back until close to midnight. It was strange that she didn't even leave me a message, telling me she would be late. Was she so callus that she felt it would make no difference to me? Of course, she was just like my mother. Hide your sin at all costs to protect yourself. Laurie probably felt if I had no evidence, she could continue to expect me to buy into the lie.

I remembered the anger I felt when my mother asked me to lie to my father. It was a slow burning anger that slowly consumed my heart and soul. I treated her like the tramp she was, giving her no kindness or respect. When dad was around, I acted as if nothing was wrong but when we were alone, I would ignore her and refuse to speak to her unless asked a direct question. She was angry at first, then she slowly began to stop talking to me and finally to accept that I was not there for her. Neither of us let dad know anything was wrong but I knew and she knew. She never did tell him and finally she left.

I guess she was such a coward that she couldn't stand it. Well, dad was better off without her, wasn't he? Wasn't he? As that question circled around and around in my brain, I began to feel a warmth creep up my neck and into my face until finally it burned in panic! Was I wrong? Had my father really been happier with her gone? Was I lying to myself to justify my own anger and feelings of betrayal? Oh God! What if I had been wrong?

I told myself he was better off for years but I never questioned it. God, I had refused to face the answer to that question all this time. The answer was right in front of me all that time. The answer was NO! He was miserable and it was my fault, not hers. I remember the look on his face when she left. He asked me if I knew what she meant when she said she was so sorry. I lied to him and said I didn't have any idea. I remembered that look on his face. Was it anger? At me? I finally knew that was exactly what it was but he forgave me as she requested. I drove her away and I lied to him about that as well.

What was it she said? "You must forgive him. I have." How could she? How could he? God, I was miserable! I was going to ruin my life like I ruined my father's and my mother's. I was doing exactly the same thing to my wife Laurie, driven by my obsession with my mother's infidelity. And in the end, she had paid a greater price for it than she deserved because I couldn't forgive her. Eleven years old and I had the wisdom of the ages when I refused to see weakness as a human condition rather than a sin not worthy of forgiveness. And who was I, a child, to make that decision for my father? He and my mother both paid a price for my stubbornness. I suddenly realized it was too high a price to pay.

All of this ran through my mind in those first minutes. Had I already driven Laurie away with my insane jealousy and my overbearing moral superiority? Only this morning I had accused her of infidelity but allowed her no chance to defend herself.

It was just seven thirty, a half hour after I saw my wife climbing the steps to meet her lover when I heard the front door open and close. I stood up and turned to face whoever it was, my heart pounding in my chest in both fear and hope. I knew what I wanted but did I dare hope? Could I make this right or was it too late? I watched as Laurie stepped into the room.

"Hi. I'm glad you're here. I have something to say to you. Please wait for me: I want to change first and then get something to drink. I won't be but a minute." She waited, then when I didn't answer, she walked up the stairs to change. I sat back down, my surprise increased by my pleasure and relief that she hadn't stayed at Rafael's apartment for more than a few minutes. That meant more to me at that moment than I could ever have imagined. Maybe it wasn't too late, but then again it may already have happened.

I got a second beer and returned to the room to wait. My mind was trying to cope with all I had come to understand this day. There was too much information, too many mistakes and too much blame. Nothing was as it should be. My simple life and the simple truths I had clung to were no more. They were false: truths of an eleven year old boy, not those of a man. Truths that had destroyed the lives of two people I cared about. Two people who deserved more than the contempt their son had heaped upon them. The shame I considered due my mother was more mine than hers. She was an honest woman who made a mistake and I was the self righteous son who refused to forgive her.

Laurie walked into the room, a cup of coffee in one hand. She took the chair across from me where she normally sat when we were in this room. She looked tired: her face was drawn, lines around her eyes and mouth were more pronounced and there was a lack of color in her cheeks and lips. She was beautiful: how could she not be. It was who she was, as much a part of her as her skin. As I gazed at her, I felt a lump form in my throat, indicating my grief. I nodded at her to begin.

"First, I want to say you were right. Rafael is in love with me and I was the woman in his painting. The painting said it all. And you saw it. You saw what he felt and what he wanted me to see and for that I feel ashamed. You saw it and told me and I defended him. I was so wrong."

Laurie looked now at her hands folded on her lap, the coffee forgotten,

"This past week has been very busy, getting the arrangements for the New York showing set. We have been working long hours together and I failed to see what was happening. Rafael was reading things into my actions that I didn't mean. He took my admiration of his talent too far and made assumptions that were false. But again, I didn't see it but you did. And you tried to tell me and I ignored you. I disrespected you in this and for that, I am sorry.

"It came to a head today. I finally heard you this morning when you accused me of planning a trip with him to New York. That you could possibly think that of me meant I had somehow given you doubts. Somehow you were able to come to believe that of me because we were drifting apart and I was the cause. I paid more attention to him than to my husband. And today, when I looked at the painting with that understanding, I saw me as he wanted me to be and I was ashamed."

I listened to her words and I began to feel the weight of the world lifting from my shoulders. It wasn't too late. Regardless of what had already happened, she was still my wife and still my love. She understood what I saw and it reminded her of the promises we made to each other. Perhaps she had strayed once but she would stray no more. I could live with that as I should have allowed my mother to live with her indiscretion. If I had, my father would have been happy. His life would have been worth living. Instead, I took that away from him and I was ashamed.

I looked at her face, her eyes, and leaned forward to show her I was serious. "Then I can forgive you for what you have done. If you come home to me and tell me that you will not stray again, I will accept that and love you as I have."

She was shaking her head, smiling now. "But you don't understand. I've done nothing but forget that you were only trying to warn me. I should have seen the danger earlier and not caused you to worry about something that would never happen. You don't understand that I could never do anything to hurt you, regardless of who tempts me. I went to Rafael's apartment tonight to return the painting to him and to tell him that I will no longer work directly with him. I feel nothing but admiration for him but his feelings for me are not the same. I can not allow him to think things could be different. They can't. You are my love and my only love."

My heart overflowed with joy. She was true to me and I was the one who was blind. We rose together and embraced. "I love you my wife. I love you with all my heart."

We spent the evening talking and reconfirming our love. It had been too close this time. We lost our ability to talk to each other and we lost that thread that held us together. That was a danger that we had to avoid. To that end, I made a suggestion to her.

"Laurie, I would like to find my mother and try to make amends to her. I've learned too much about myself and what I did to her and my father. I need to tell her and ask her to forgive me. She said she did but I have to hear it for myself. Would you mind?"

I didn't know whether she knew who she had been seeing in the gallery but she surprised me when she said, "Of course I don't mind. Would you like me to invite her over the next time I see her?"

I smiled at her and told her I would be delighted.