A Difficult Choice

"He feels that you two should give it one more try if at all possible. He's desperate for another chance, Jackie."

I felt bewildered and resentful. I kept thinking about Douglas. I was missing him, wanting him. But I had to give Marion an answer.

"I see, so you're telling me that Richard wants to come home to me and the children!" I couldn't help letting my growing indignation and anger show through.

"Ultimately, yes dear," she answered timidly. "But first he'd like to see you -- to talk things over."

"How kind of him," I retorted, sarcastically. "Well, it's too late. As you know by now, I've met someone else and we're very happy together."

"But I thought that was over," she said quickly, looking really worried. "You haven't mentioned it lately. In any case I didn't think you really meant it. Please, Jackie," she appealed. Think of Lucy and Sam. They need their father. Don't do anything foolish, dear. I beg you to consider it."

I didn't reply. I felt trapped, as if Marion had cleverly manoeuvred me into a corner and there was no escape. In the end I felt I had no alternative but to agree to see Richard.

He came round to the house at the end of a torturous week, Friday evening when the children were asleep. He had a key but was courteous enough to ring the bell and be let in.

"Hi, Jackie," He looked very unsure of himself, and standing there kind of forlorn and lost I felt sorry for him.

His mother was right, he didn't look at all well. He'd lost weight, was thinner in the face, almost drawn-looking, his hair was too long and his eyes looked tired and strained. It was easy to surmise that he wasn't eating or sleeping properly.

"Sit down, Richard and I'll put the kettle on."

Over a cup of tea he poured his heart out to me, apologising profusely for his behaviour. But I was still angry with him and while I felt sorry for him, I didn't love him in the same way anymore, or at least, not as I should have done. Another man now occupied that position. And yet I still felt some loyalty towards Richard. He was still my husband, after all. He spoke and I listened. My head seemed to be spinning with mixed-up thoughts and contradictions, but I could say nothing.

I kept thinking of Douglas. Then Richard appeared to steel himself in readiness for something really important he had to get off his chest...

"The bottom line is... I want to come home, Jackie, to you and the children. Could you ever consider forgiving me and taking me back? I know I've acted despicably, but I promise you what happened before, will never happen again."

I sat there on the settee adjacent to him, looking at him over my cup. For a moment I resented him greatly for barging back into my life and making me feel guilty, ruining my plans for a new future. It wasn't fair. All this talk he'd given me about how the children needed a proper family to grow up in. It was a case of emotional blackmail.

"And I take it, mother told you about my possible partnership within the firm?"

I nodded.

"It's a wonderful opportunity for me... and our family if we could just give it a go."

"You make it sound like a game, Richard."

"I don't mean to. Look, I'm serious. What's it going to take for me to convince you that I mean all I've been saying?"

"I do believe you, Richard... But the trouble is I've met somebody else. You can't just expect to walk right back into my life and pick up where we left off like nothing has happened."

"I don't."

"I take it your mother has mentioned about me and another man?"

"Yes, but she seemed to think it was all over."

"Yes, I know she did... But it isn't... and as it happens, we're very much in love. We intend to marry."

"But what can this guy offer you?"

"Love and trust for a start." I regretted immediately the nastiness in my remark. "And he's prepared to take on the children."

"No," said Richard, his face suddenly panic-stricken. "I won't allow it. I'll not lose them, Jackie... I'll fight you over it if I have to."

"Don't be silly, Richard. You'd never get custody."

I suddenly felt weak and defeated. I knew only to well that my hopes and dreams were over. Even if Richard was just using our 'getting back together' to ensure his partnership at work, I felt tired and helpless to resist.

Richard stalked about the room absent-mindedly, picking up familiar objects. Then, he turned to face me. "Well, what's it to be, Jackie? A secure future with me, your rightful husband..? Or an uncertain one with somebody who probably sees you as a convenient plaything until something better comes along."

"How dare you, Richard? After how you've treated me. Don't judge other people by your own rotten standards. You have no right to make assumptions like that. I think you'd better go now. I'll give you a call in a couple of days. I need to think."

Richard shrugged into his jacket and prepared to go. We said a formal goodnight, no endearments or kissing. Somehow I already knew the decision I would have to make.

The next day I wrote to Douglas Hart. I told him I dare not see him again, or even hear his voice over the phone. I'd break down if I did.

Three years have passed since Richard came home. I gave up my job right at the beginning. I dared not risk meeting Douglas again. And I have not seen or heard from him since. Richard and the children are very happy. In time some of the old affection Richard and I felt for each other returned, and Richard has now become my real husband again. I concluded that we all make mistakes in life and yes, he did deserve another chance to make amends. Time is a great healer after all.

I think I came to the right decision in the end judging by the way things have turned out for us as a family. The children are doing really well at school and Richard continues to make progress in his job. He is a very attentive and dedicated family man and we as a family have certainly bonded after riding out a rough storm.

But there is never a day goes by that I do not think about Douglas and what might have been. At times I even shed a tear or two remembering the times we had together, all the fun and excitement of something new and unexplored, the thrill of falling in love again. But to lose all that was a sacrifice worth making when the happiness of my family was at stake.

THE END