A Double Standard

I couldn't do that to my boss so I thought I would let you know what kind of man you have working for you. As for my wife, I will take her to lunch and tell her all about those pictures. I doubt that she will be coming back to work this afternoon."

Mr. Hanson fired Pat on the spot. He called security and had Pat escorted out of the building. So much for Pat running to talk to Alyssa. On his way out of the office, Pat started yelling at me that he would get me etc, etc, etc. I'm sure you've heard it all before, in one form or another.

My reply to him was just two words, "Bring it." Now for the hard part. I had to go to Alyssa and tell her about the stripper. She deserved to hear about it from me instead of some gossip in her office. What did Robert E. Lee say just before he surrendered? "I would rather die a thousand deaths", I know exactly how he felt.

Alyssa was in a meeting when I got to her office. Her secretary offered to interrupt them and tell Alyssa that I was there, but I told her I would just wait. I had been waiting for about twenty minutes when Alyssa and two others came out of her office. She didn't see me at first; she was giving orders to the people that had been in the meeting. Alyssa turned around, saw me, and a big smile came over her face.

"Hi honey. What are you doing here? I've been thinking about you all morning. It's really nice to see you." She came to me and gave me a kiss and a hug as she talked.

"Thought we might go home for lunch. I've been thinking about you all morning too," I told her.

Meeting her for lunch was not something I normally did and she looked at me a little funny but said, "Okay, I got my meeting over with. The company can do without me for a couple of hours. I'll meet you at home in about twenty minutes."

"I'll pick up some Chinese and meet you there," I told her.

All the way home, I tried to think of some other way to handle this mess I had gotten myself into. The truth was the best way and the only way I might save my marriage. As hard as it would be to tell Alyssa, letting her find out from someone else would be worse. I walked in the door and she was setting the table for lunch.

"Are we really going to eat lunch, or did you have something else you wanted to do?" She was teasing me and smiling.

"Babe, sit down. I've got something to tell you and it's going to hurt. Please let me finish before you say anything" That was the way I started on the road that could destroy our marriage.

"What's wrong John? You're scaring me," Alyssa said, worried now. The smile was gone.

So I told her the truth. I explained about the celebration at the classes being over. I told her about me drinking too much. I told her about the strip club and how I was going to leave after one more drink with the guys. I told her I knew she wouldn't like me being in a place like that, but that I wanted to network with two of the men I was with. I told her I had more than the one drink.

Then I hit her with the big one. I told her about the stripper. I told her I was out of it and didn't know what was going on until it was too late. I told her I tried to push the girl off me but that I was too drunk. I admitted that I could have tried harder but must have been into screwing her by then.

Alyssa had listened without saying anything up to that point. Then she exploded. "You rotten bastard, you lousy son of a bitch." Those were probably the nicest things she called me. She ranted at me for what seemed forever, but was actually about five minutes. I never knew that Alyssa even knew some of the things she called me. Finally she wound down a little and took a breath.

"I'm sorry babe. I know it's a rotten thing to do and then a rotten thing to tell you about it, but I didn't want you to hear about it from someone else. I felt that it would be worse coming from someone else."

"Sure you're sorry. Sorry you got caught," She said. "Who else knows about this?"

"I wasn't caught, I came to you," I reminded her. About the only defensive thing I could say. Then I explained the whole deal with Pat. The pictures, the blackmail, the meeting with Hanson, and Pat being fired.

"Sorry doesn't begin to say how I feel and how ashamed I am Honey," I continued.

"Don't call me Honey, your rotten bastard. You don't have the right anymore." She was starting to repeat the name calling.

"Please Alyssa; I know this is a terrible thing. I'll do anything to show you how sorry I am, anything to try and make it up to you. Please don't give up on me and don't give up on us." That was all I had left. If it didn't work, I was toast.

Alyssa sat there silent for about three minutes. Three minutes is a long time when you're waiting to see if your world is going to implode. Finally she looked at me and said, "I don't know John, I'm so hurt and mad right now, I can't think. I'm going to spend the night with my sister because I don't want to be around you right now."

"You don't have to leave, I'll go to a hotel or something," I offered.

"No, I need to get away and I can talk with my sister. Maybe she can help me figure out what to do or how to handle this mess. I don't know." After saying this, Alyssa packed an overnight bag and as she was going out the door she said, "Don't call me, I'll call you when I'm ready to talk. It may be a few days, but don't call me John. I can't stand talking to you right now."

I nodded and she walked out of the house, maybe out of my life. Alyssa didn't call and by Wednesday of the next week I was a basket case. I couldn't concentrate at work and if I stayed home my mind just went round and round. My head felt like it was going to explode.

I called for Alyssa at work and disguised my voice. Her secretary was really the one I wanted to talk to. I just wanted to know if Alyssa was there. I was told that Mrs. Hennessy was taking a few days off and I said I would call back. Well, apparently Alyssa was having the same problem concentrating as me.

That Thursday around noon, my cell phone rang. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I checked the caller I.D. It was Alyssa. I almost broke the phone getting it open to answer her call.

"Called you at work and they told me you were taking some time off," She said.

"Yeah, I was just wasting time there. I couldn't concentrate," I admitted.

"I'll be home tonight about 7:00. We need to talk. I have decided what I'm going to do about us," Alyssa told me.

"Good, I'll talk about anything except a divorce. If that's what you're getting to do, then just tell me now. Don't torture me, please." She hadn't mentioned divorce so maybe we still had a chance.

"Don't be too sure about the anything. You're not going to like my decision. See you at 7:00." She hung up before I could question her last statement.

What the hell did she have planned? Whatever it was I needed to listen with an open mind and not get defensive. After all, I was the one that caused this whole thing, and I had some atoning to do. Alyssa pulled into the driveway at 7:00 on the dot and I opened the door for her. I tried to hug her and kiss her but she just ducked around me and went into the kitchen.

There was a fresh pot of coffee so I poured two cups and set them on the kitchen table. Since Alyssa left I had been living on coffee and cigarettes. I hadn't smoked since I started dating her because she didn't like the smell. Now I was smoking almost two packs a day and drinking way too much coffee.

"You've lost weight and it doesn't look like you've been getting very much sleep," She observed. "Are you smoking again, I smell cigarettes?"

"Yeah, my nerves are shot and they seem to help. I haven't been eating or sleeping much either," I confessed. I knew I had to wait for her to start, if I tried to prod her things could go bad in a hurry.

She stared at me for more than two minutes and then said, "I can't get over what you did to me, to us, in a couple of days. I need time to think about us, our marriage, and if I even want to stay in this relationship. So I have decided on a plan to give me the time I need."

"Fine, I'll do anything you want. What do you want me to do?" For the first time I had hope.

"It's not a matter of you doing anything; it's a matter of what I'm going to do. I need some time for myself so that is what I'm taking. We will be separated for all intents and purposes. I will be living like a single woman."

My head came up on that "single woman" comment. It's strange when someone cheats or lies that person expects other people to do the same thing. Alyssa's single woman statement made me think of her dating other men. I started to speak up, but she held up her hand for me to wait.

"That doesn't mean that I'm going to be dating or seeing other men. I mean, that I will do what I want without checking in or telling you about it first or explaining afterward. I will have no one to account to for my actions." I had my head down again, shaking it as if to say no, no, no. I didn't like what I was hearing.

Alyssa wasn't done, "If I want to stop after work for drinks, I won't have to tell you first or get permission. If I want to come home, change clothes, and go out to dinner or whatever I will. Without any comment or interference from you."

"How long will this go on Alyssa? What am I supposed to do during this?" The hope I had earlier was quickly disappearing.

"I don't know how long John. As long as it takes for me not to get sick every time I think about you and that stripper, I guess. I've had to deal with your "bad judgment" for a while and I just don't know. As to what you are supposed to do, I suggest you DEAL WITH IT. That is if you want a chance for us to stay together."

Alyssa had always had a forceful personality, but I had never seen this much intensity from her. "Do you want me to move out? Are you going to leave? I'm not sure about the living arrangements."

"You can stay here John, in the guest room. I don't want to be in the same bed with you right now. Or you can move out, I really don't care. If you stay we will be at best roommates or at worst strangers sharing a house. Either way we won't be living as a married couple," Alyssa was very forceful with her last sentence.

I was at a loss as to what to say or what to do; it was too much too fast. Finally I pulled myself together a little and asked her, "When does all this start?"

"It starts right now," Alyssa answered. "If you can't live with this arrangement, you have until the weekend to move out. You can stay if you want, but either way I want you to move your things out of my bedroom tonight. I going to take a shower and go to bed, so please move what you need for tomorrow into the guest room. You can get the rest of your things tomorrow while I'm at work."

I wasn't going back to work until Monday so I didn't have to move much that night. As I was getting a change of clothes, my razor and stuff I thought about how Alyssa had been during our "talk". She was my world and the love of my life, but right now she was a stone cold bitch.

Yeah, I know. All the macho he-men types would have told her to stuff it and walked out or even thrown her out. If our troubles were over missing an anniversary or cancelling an outing with her folks or any of the other pitfalls that a marriage has, I might have just shined her on. At least until the "mad" blew over. But our trouble was caused by my actions, so this shit storm that was going on was all on me.

The next day was Friday and Alyssa was gone when I got up at 6:30. There was a note on the kitchen table. I thought maybe she had calmed down and at least was going to tell me of her comings and goings. Nope, the note was to remind me to get the rest of my stuff out of "her bedroom". The note never said where she was, where she was going, or when she would be home, just move the rest of my stuff.

Alyssa was gone all day, so I did household stuff. I mowed the lawn, washed my truck, washed my clothes and other routine things. Around 6:30 I decided I wanted to cook something on the bbq grill and wondered if I should make enough for Alyssa. My cell came to life and I saw that it was Alyssa calling. "Hello."

"Hi John, it's me. I'm going to stay at my sisters tonight. We are going to an arts and crafts fair tomorrow. Just wanted you to know."

"I thought you weren't going to inform me of your plans anymore," I spoke without thinking.

Now there are times to speak out and there are times to keep your big mouth shut. When you are in the middle of a shit storm, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut. Apparently I wasn't smart enough to know this. Sometimes I act like a stupid ass.

"Your right, I won't be telling you what I'm going to do," she said. Boy was she pissed. "I didn't want you to call the police if I didn't show up tonight. It would be embarrassing for me if they tracked me down at the fair. That's the only reason I called. GOOD BYE." Alyssa hung up before I could apologize.

She came home the next day around five. Wait, this wasn't a home, it was like Stalag 17 (a prison camp). The conversation around our house for two days was minimal; I guess that was the way to describe it. In fact, I talked more to my drill instructors in the Marines than we did to each other and I wasn't allowed to speak to them at all.

We both went back to work on Monday. I never thought that I would rather be at work than to be with Alyssa, but I did. Three days since the start of the great plan and I was already about to lose it. On Wednesday, Alyssa didn't get home until almost 8:00. Apparently the new program was in effect.

That Friday she didn't come home until 11:00. The weekend was spent again doing things around the house. Alyssa did the laundry, but only hers. She did work in the garden while I mowed the lawn, but the garden was hers anyway.

Sunday afternoon the phone rang and I waited for Alyssa to answer it. Anyone calling me would use my cell. Then I realized Alyssa was out in the garden so I picked up the phone just before it went to voice mail. It was her sister, Rachel.

I felt awkward taking to Rachel. "Hi Rach, Alyssa is out in the garden. I can take the phone out to her or have her call you back."

"No she can call me back, that will be fine," Rachel said. Then she surprised me. "How are you doing Fitz?"

Rachel started calling me Fitz when I first met her. I had called her Rach and she came back at me with Fitz. We liked to tease each other and had a close relationship, at least before my mistake.

"I'm okay, I guess. I haven't died yet, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not," I told her. "Sorry, that was probably just a polite question. You didn't expect me to get all real with it."

"No, it wasn't just a polite question. I really want to know if you are okay. It must be tough on you right now with things between you and Alyssa going the way they are. I'm worried about you."

"I'm surprised, I mean the problems that your sister and I have are because of my actions. I didn't think you would still care anything about me," I told her.

"If you care about someone, you have to understand that they may screw up sometimes. You can either continue to care about them or kick them out of your heart and your life. I still care for you Fitz. I'm really mad at you but I still care for you. You've always been good to my kid sister and I hope you guys can get past this. Well I've got to go, have Alyssa give me a call please. Bye Bye."

Well not all of the Riley girls hated me, just the one that I loved. When Alyssa came inside I told her that Rach had called for her.

"Don't call her that," Alyssa jumped on me. "Her name is Rachel."

Again, I say that there are times to keep your mouth shut but I was starting to get pissed about my living arrangements.

"Alyssa, I have called her Rach from almost the first time I met her. I will continue to call her that until she tells me not to. You may not care about me anymore, but Rach says she still cares for me. She's mad as hell at me, but she still cares. You can treat me the way you want, but I'll be damned if you will tell me how to talk to my friends. Even if it is your sister." I stomped out of the house.

Not doing my cause any good here, I thought. This "plan" of Alyssa's was already getting to me and it had only been a week.

If conversation had been lacking before, it was nonexistent after my little tirade. The next week Alyssa was "late" getting home three times. Once she came in about 6:30, the other two nights it was closer to 8:00. Two weeks into our new life and I decided that I wasn't going to take anymore of this limbo.

Monday evening after working outside, I came in the back door and heard Alyssa on the phone. I heard her agree to meet someone named Stan the next evening at the Hilton for dinner at 6:00. Now do I give Alyssa her space or do I check this out? She wouldn't normally go to bed with some guy, but we weren't in a normal situation here.

I know that I caused this whole thing by doing that stripper, but if Alyssa went to bed with another man our marriage was over. I couldn't live with that.

I know, the old double standard. If a husband can screw around a wife should be able to also. Maybe, but I made a drunken mistake, a bad one but a mistake. If Alyssa went to bed with this guy it was a planned, thought out before hand affair. It's not a double standard; it's not the same thing at all.

The Hilton was only about four blocks from Alyssa's office so I thought she wouldn't leave work until 5:00 at the earliest. I was in the hidden in the lobby at 4:30, just to make sure I was there before them. Hiding behind a large planter and a newspaper, I watched the entrance to the dinner room and the elevators. At 5:45 Alyssa walked through the door and went into the dining room.

It was silly, but I was glad to see that she had on the same outfit she had worn to work. At least she wasn't dressing extra sexy for this Stan guy. The dining room had an entry way and you couldn't see the tables from there. I walked in and hid behind another planter that was sort of a room divider.

Shielded by the planter I was able to spot Alyssa and Stan at a table by the window. Stan didn't impress me. He looked to be about the same height as Alyssa, kind of mousey looking, and a receding hair line. Stan may not be impressive but he was with Alyssa and I wasn't. Stan won that round. After watching them for about twenty minutes I went back to my hiding place in the lobby. I wanted to see what they had planned after having dinner. If they got on an elevator, I could guess where they were going.

They walked out of the dining room around 7:00 and went to the front desk. Apparently Stan checked for any messages. Then they hugged and Alyssa started toward the front door as Stan turned and went to the elevators. I was happy that she hadn't gone with him. Damn, I needed to go; it wouldn't do for me to get home later than Alyssa.

By breaking most speed laws and taking some risky short cuts, I was able to beat Alyssa home. As I closed the front door, I heard her car pull into our driveway. I quickly jumped into my chair and picked up a magazine. Alyssa came in stopped and glanced at me. She looked like she was going to say something, but then she continued into her bedroom.

It was strange, after that dinner with Stan, things lightened up around our house. We began to talk to each other a little. It started the next night, Alyssa said she was going to make a meatloaf and did I want some. We actually sat at the kitchen table and had dinner together. Our conversation was still limited and consisted mostly of things like pass the salt please.

That was an improvement on the previous silence though. The next night I decided to use the grill and asked Alyssa if she wanted a steak also. She made corn on the cob and a salad. Once again we sat and ate at the same table.