A Double Standard

Thursday evening after dinner I was taking out the trash and as I came in the back door, I again heard Alyssa making a dinner date for 7:00 again at the Hilton. I didn't hear a name, but I guessed it was Stan she was talking to. Once again I was in my hiding place early. At 6:45 Alyssa appeared and entered the dining room. Thank God for that room divider, I was able to watch Stan and her again. They finished dinner and stood up. I almost got caught, but I was able to get back to my lobby hiding place.

They went to the front desk and Stan again checked his messages. Then my world fell apart, Alyssa and Stan got on an elevator. Damn, Damn, Damn. Should I go to Stan's room and confront them? After thinking about it, I realized that I may not be able to control my temper if I saw them in that room together. I didn't believe that I would hurt Alyssa but I couldn't say the same thing about Stan.

I left and it took a little longer to get home, I had no reason to hurry this time. I started to get a bottle of bourbon out and decided that if I confronted Alyssa tonight, I needed to be sober. Instead I got a beer, sat in my chair, and stared at the wall. Well, Alyssa going to his room put a period to this part of my life, I thought.

About thirty minutes after I sat down, Alyssa walked in the door. Either Stan was extremely fast in the love department or nothing happened. She had a folder in her hand and went into her bedroom. Normally when she came home she stayed in her bedroom or went into the den to read. Tonight she sat on the couch across from me and did her reading there. Around 10:30 she said good night and went to bed. That was new also, the good night from her I mean.

My weekend was the best one since my confession. We worked in the yard together and while I washed both cars she did laundry. This time she did mine too. I was confused. No talking and then after going to dinner with this Stan character, Alyssa started to talk to me a little bit. Not much but she did talk some. Very strange.

Things were back to normal on Monday, normal in that we said very little to each other. When I asked her if she want some ribs she said no thanks and went into the den. Later she went to bed and never said a word to me. On Tuesday, she got home around 7:30 and again she was more talkative. When Alyssa wasn't home by 6:30 on Thursday, I had a hunch and went to the Hilton.

Alyssa and Stan were in the dining room again. This time after dinner they went into the lounge. The lounge was even easier to spy on them, it was spying you know. They nursed a drink for about an hour and left. When Stan started to pay the bar bill, I left for home. It was 8:00 and I grabbed a beer and went to my chair to wait. What time would she get home tonight?

I fell asleep in my chair and woke up at 10:00 or so. Afraid of what I would see, I looked out at the driveway. Alyssa's car wasn't there. I checked "her bedroom" and she wasn't there. Guess old Stan hit the jackpot tonight. I wished I had stayed to see if they got on the elevator. Based on the last time I watched them, I knew they had gone up to Stan's room. There goes the whole ballgame as far as my marriage was concerned. I thought it was time to go visit my brother for a year or two.

Alyssa was still in bed when I left for work the next morning. She must have worn herself out with good old Stan. His looks were deceiving, that mousey little guy must be a tiger in bed to exhaust Alyssa so much that she slept in on a work day. I had no idea what time she came home.

I went to my boss James and told him I had to leave. He knew about my family problems and was supportive. I told him I had no idea when or if I was coming back. Again he was supportive and told me I always had a job with him. He wanted to know where I was going and I told him I would go to my brothers for a day or two but didn't know where after that.

Alyssa wasn't home when I got back to the house around 10:00. I guess she had finally gone to work; I packed the things I wanted to take with me. Mostly extra clothes and another pair of boots. I included two jackets, one light and one heavy. My brother lives out in the boonies so I would need rough country clothing. By the time I had packed my stuff and loaded everything into my truck it was 2:30. I ate something, double checked the things I was taking and waited to see if Alyssa was coming home.

At 6:30, I had my answer. She was out again, maybe one or two rounds with Stan wasn't enough for her. I looked around at what was no longer my home and then left for the last time. However, I had a mission to complete before I left town.

I drove to the Hilton, I figured they hadn't changed their game plan yet, why would they change it now? They weren't in the dining room so I headed for the lounge. This time I wasn't going to spy on them, I was going to confront them. I saw Stan at a booth at the back of the lounge. There was a woman sitting next to him and they both were talking to someone across the table from them.

Stan didn't know me so he didn't pay any attention to me until I stopped in front of their booth. Alyssa looked up and said, "Oh my god. What are you doing here John?" She didn't sound mad, actually she sound a little frightened.

"Why don't you introduce me to your friends?" I turned to Stan and stuck out my hand and said, "Hi, I'm John." He hesitated and started to shake hands with me. I put all the force I could into my grip and tried to break his hand. The little shit surprised me, he had a strong grip, but he started to pull back a little as I applied more pressure. I heard him say something like Damn.

"John, let Stan go. John right now," Alyssa ordered me. "You don't understand, we were just....."

"Oh I understand alright. You were going back up to good old Stan's room again, but now you have an extra playmate. Well I won't be in your way from now on, you can bring them home and save the cost of the room here." I released his hand and turned to Alyssa.

Stan spoke up for the first time, "John, you misread what is going on here. Let me explain."

"Mister if you want to live to see another day shut up and leave. If you are still here in ten seconds, you and I are going to dance and I don't think you'll like the music.

Stan may be a wife stealing ass, but he wasn't a stupid man. He and the woman got up to leave. He started to say something to Alyssa as he walked by her.

"Don't do it buddy, I'm barely holding on here. Just keep walking," I ordered him.

Alyssa had sat back down and slumped back into the booth. She looked at me and said, "You agreed that I was to do what I wanted and..........."

"I never agreed to be treated like this. I made a mistake, a huge, hurtful, degrading mistake. I used very bad judgment but I didn't plan for that to happen and didn't mean to hurt you. But I'm not going to be punished forever. "

The bartender had started toward us when I ordered Stan to leave. I put up my hand to stop him. "You don't want any part of this pal, just stay away. I'll be gone very soon."

My chest was pumping in and out like a bellows. I was breathing like I had run a marathon. Finally it slowed down and I went on. "Okay, now you can file for divorce. You said before that you didn't want to be around me; except as strangers sharing a living space. Well you got your wish. I'm out of here. If you need my signature on any papers or anything, send them to my brother's place. I'll check in with him every month or so. Good bye, Alyssa." I had more I wanted to say but what was the use? Life as I knew it was over. So I left.

Alyssa was trying to talk to me, "John, wait I have to tell you....."

"Now you want to talk. For weeks I couldn't get more than a good night out of you and now you want to talk? Too late Alyssa, Good bye.

Alyssa was coming out of the hotel as I took off. About four blocks later I had to pull over and let the shakes pass. I had been so mad that if that guy hadn't left when he did I might have beaten someone to death. There was never any thought in my head of hitting Alyssa. As I sat there trying to calm down, a police car with it's' siren screaming, roared past me. I wondered if the bartender had called the cops. I waited a few minutes to regain control and then started the long drive to visit or hide away with Sean, my brother.

A word here about my brother, Sean. He is five years older than me and growing up we always had each other's back. Sean had the good sense not to get involved in the same bullshit that I got into trouble for. He joined the Marines when he turned 18 and spent 23 years as a leatherneck. I guess that was why I opted for the Marines instead of any other branch when I was forced to enlist.

Sean and his wife, Julie, live just outside of Missoula, Montana at the base of Blue Mountain. In fact the mountain is almost their back yard. It's a very beautiful and peaceful place. That is something I could use right now, a little peace. I felt better than I had in a month, less conflicted I guess. No more to worry about because the shit had already hit the fan. All I wanted now was to kick back for a while and let my heart heal up.

It took me about three days to get to Montana. Sean was splitting firewood when I pulled into his yard, so I watched him for a while. He didn't hear the truck pull up because of the noise from the log splitter he was using. I don't know how long I sat there in the truck, but Julie came out of the house and saw me first. She bounced off the porch and ran to my truck.

When she got there she yanked open the door and grabbed me like she hadn't seen me in a couple of years. Well it had been ten months since we had seen each other. She kissed me and hugged me and then hugged me some more. My sister-in-law and I love each other very much. No, not that way, she is like the big sister I never had.

After Julie was done mauling me, she picked up a stone and threw it at Sean. He looked around and saw me. Sean turned off the splitter and almost ran over to me. I had to go through the hugging all over again. That was okay, about now I could use some hugs from someone that loved me. I began to cry a little and tried to hide it, but Julie could see I was hurting.

That night after dinner, we sat on their back deck and watched the moon come up over Blue Mountain. I told them the whole story. I left nothing out and didn't try to spin it or make myself look better. Like 'Joe Friday' in the old T.V. show Dragnet, I gave them just the facts. I explained to them Alyssa's plan to have some space and get some time to think.

I told them about confronting Alyssa and her playmates in the lounge. It's still a mystery to me that I didn't at least punch the guy. After I finished my tale of woe, we sat without speaking for about five minutes. Then Sean spoke up.

"You dumb, stupid, son of a bitch. What were you thinking? You've got the perfect wife and you go screwing around. You're too stupid to be my brother." Sean was really pissed at me. He loves Alyssa almost as much as I love Julie.

"Sean, shame on you," Julie scolded him.

"No, he's right Julie. I might argue the son of a bitch part, but I can't argue the dumb stupid part. But I didn't plan on it happening Sean. I'm not making excuses but I got drunk and before I knew it that stripper was going at me. By that time the little head was doing all the thinking."

"If I did something like that Julie would kick my ass and then make my life hell for a long time," Sean said.

"You're damn right I would," Julie agreed. "But I can't believe Alyssa would do what you said. It's not that I don't believe you John, I just can't believe that she would let things go on for so long."

Sean asked me, "What are you going to do now little brother?"

"If you still own that miner's cabin up on the Oxbow, I thought I would camp out over there for a while. Maybe I can get my head together and figure out how to get on with the rest of my life," I answered.

"You know that cabin is little more than a wooden tent. No electricity or running water, although I did have a well dug for the place. By the way, does your boss know you're gone for a while?"

"Yeah, I told him I was going to take some time and I would let him know when I'm coming back. I really don't see myself going back to that town though. Maybe primitive is just what I need for now. I'll be okay, Sean. If you need to reach me you can leave a message at the general store in Denham. It's the closest place and I'll check in there every two or three days for supplies."

"Are you sure you want to do this. Stay here with us for a few weeks, no need to become a hermit. You know if you wrong about Alyssa still caring for you, she will be calling here for you," Sean reminded me.

"I know. Promise me you won't tell her where I am Sean. I don't want to see or talk to her for awhile. If she calls just take a message. If it's you need me for anything you can leave a message for me in Denham and I'll call you back. Promise me Sean."

He agreed not to help Alyssa find me if she should look for me. The next morning I packed the things I would need into the truck and took off. Julie hugged me and tried to get me to stay one more time. Sean had one last thing to say before I pulled out.

"You know tough times never last, but tough people do. Take care and come back when you can." He embarrassed us both by kissing me on the cheek.

Sean was right about the cabin, it was a tent made out of wood. No electricity, well water, an old outhouse and a bed with a lumpy mattress. Daniel Boone may have had it better out in the wilderness. But it was exactly what I needed at that time.

Two days after I arrived at the cabin, I made the two hour trip into Denham. I needed some supplies and some things I had forgotten. I also wanted to get a camera if possible, as there was a lot of wild life around the cabin. Taking pictures would give me something to do besides thinking about how screwed up my life had become.

Lucky for me there was a camera shop in the little town. Go figure. I bought a very nice digital SLR camera and a couple of lenses for it. I got extra memory cards, extra batteries and a bunch of other stuff to help me take great pictures. I went to the general store and picked up the supplies and other things I needed. The young man running the store had a message for me from Sean.

The kid was the closest thing to a techno geek that the town had, I guess. Instead of trying to remember or write down what Sean had said, he had taped it with an attachment to the phone. Cool idea.

Sean said, on tape, the Alyssa had called the day I left his place. She told Sean that she had waited three days for me to come home and then started looking for me. Alyssa looked for me around town and then remembered that I said I was going to see my brother. Sean told her I had been there but had left that morning.

She of course wanted to know where I was going. Sean told her that he had loaned me some money and that I was traveling light and fast. He also said he really couldn't tell her where I went. He didn't tell her he didn't know, you see, just that he couldn't tell her. She understood him to mean he didn't know. Alyssa told Sean that it was all a big mistake and please to have me call her so she could explain. Sean then said on tape, your turn now little brother.

I called Sean and told him I was okay. After telling him about the exploring I was doing around the cabin, I told him about the wild animals and that I was actually starting to enjoy myself. It wasn't actually the truth. I know, I lied to him, but I didn't want him and Julie to worry about me. I also told him I would check back at store in three or four days if he needed me.

That's the way it went for about a month or so. I would go to town to get supplies and any messages from Sean. I usually called him even if he hadn't left a message for me. You lose track of days and such when the only time you go by is daylight so I guess it was about the fifth week that there was a message from Sean to come home. Home being his house. He said he and Julie needed me.

I called him and he told me that he had hurt himself pretty bad on that damn log splitter. He wanted me to come home to help take care of him so Julie could go back to work. I told him I would go back to the cabin, close it up and be on my way by late afternoon.

I got back to Sean's a lot faster than I had gotten to the cabin. Driving all night and nonstop will do that you know. I pulled into the yard at Sean's and noticed an unknown car also parked there. Didn't really think too much about it, probably a neighbor's or a nurse or something.

I opened the door without knocking and when I saw who was sitting in the living room, I turned around to leave again. Julie yelled at me to stop, she threatened to never speak to me again if I left. What could I do, I stopped and came on into the room.

Alyssa was sitting on the couch and it was seeing her that almost made me leave. She was smiling at me, a little timidly I thought. Sean was sitting in his recliner watching the two of us. Julie came in and told me to sit down.

"Obviously you're not hurt," I said to Sean. "You lied to me."

"Yep."

"Why would you lie to me Sean?" I was confused and hurt that he would do that. I still hadn't said anything to Alyssa.

"Because Alyssa came to me and told me her side of your little story and I'm going to put a stop to this shit right now," Sean answered with anger.

"I don't think......."

"That's right, you don't think and neither did Alyssa. My God, you are both so dumb you couldn't find your ass with both hands and a road map. Jesus Christ! You guys didn't give each other the courtesy that you would to a stranger. And you're supposed to love each other? I have to get you guys back together because you're both too stupid and pig headed to inflict on other people." Sean was really pissed off.

Turning to Alyssa I told her, "I don't have anything to talk about to you Alyssa. You made it clear what the consequences would be if I didn't go along with you plan, so get on with it." I turned back to Sean and Julie and said, "I'm hurt that you guys would lie and deceive me for this. I'm leaving, see you sometime."

"SIT YOUR ASS DOWN," Julie yelled at me as you stepped in front of me. It stopped me in my tracks. Julie never, I mean never used vulgar language. I have known her for 15 years and never heard any type of foul language from her. "You will sit down and listen to Alyssa and us or so help me I will kick your ass. Do you understand?"

I sat; when Julie was this worked up you had better listen to her. Other than the one statement to Alyssa I hadn't looked at her. I did now and saw another little smile. She thought Julie climbing on me was funny. That didn't help my mood any, no one likes to be laughed at.

Julie took a deep breath and collected herself and said, "I want to ask you a couple of questions John and you too Alyssa. Will you both promise to tell me the truth?"

What else could I say? "I would never lie to you Julie. Alyssa nodded that she felt the same.

"Okay now, John do you still love Alyssa?" Julie got right to the hard questions.

"I did until she came up with this thing she began to......."

"Damn it John," Julie interrupted me, "No if or buts, do you still love her? It's a simple question, a yes or no will do."

When Julie asked me point blank like that it made me realize that I did still love Alyssa. In spite of all the horrible things that had been said and done by both of us, I still loved her. I guess that's why everything hurt so much. I still loved her.

"Yes, I still love her," I answered Julie with tears in my eyes. I know, big strong macho he man crying. You need to understand, this is my life here.