A For Effort

"Not quite five years," he said.

"And you've been alone since then?"

He nodded and looked away.

The little restaurant, all but empty, was silent around them. A lone busboy roved the tables against the far wall, gathering unused flatware and vacuuming up crumbs. A car rolled sedately past the window, street lights glittering in the frost on its roof.

She felt a great and inexplicable affection for this man. On a mere six days acquaintance, it was plainly absurd. She knew nothing beyond how he worked and his widower status. But there was no denying it.

Was it her own desperation speaking? She'd thought that well behind her. Yet she was still quite as much alone as she'd been before graduation. Glynnis's silent reproof had negated even the sterile companionship she'd once provided.

What kind of choice is this? What good is there in running from isolation toward pain?

What if he rejects me?

She marshaled her courage.

"Emil," she said as she caressed his hand, "come home with me."

His head jerked around. "What?"

"Do you have a dog to walk or something like that?"

"No, but --"

"Then come home with me. Tomorrow's Saturday, isn't it? Let's have an evening and a night and a morning together, and see what comes of it. You've been alone long

enough, don't you think?"

He said nothing.

"Don't you owe it to yourself to try?" she whispered.

He winced, and she feared she'd gone horribly wrong.

"It's so easy for you," he said. "Beautiful, talented, smart. You've probably had five dozen lovers already. You could have any man you wanted. It wasn't that way for me. I was always so awkward. I didn't meet Katrina until I was twenty-three, and I was still a virgin. From our first date I was terrified that she'd drop me for someone better. But she never did, and we married, and then I lost her. How could I think I could get that lucky again?"

It stunned her speechless. He saw the astonishment in her face and smiled sadly.

"I just don't want to rip all those scars open again, Meg. Not if it's never going to amount to anything."

A preemptive rejection.

It was a maneuver she was intimately familiar with.

"Emil," she said, barely above a whisper, "I'm twenty-three. And I'm a virgin."

The color fled from his face. She clutched his hand and pressed on.

"You can't imagine how thrilled I am to hear you speak so highly of me. But you need to know the whole story. If we except my father, I've never had a man in my arms." She winced as she realized how that sounded, and hurried to correct it. "I mean, uh --"

"I know what you mean," he said. He turned his hand over to return her clasp. The warmth of his palm against hers sent a thrill through her that ejected all of Clean Genie's ministrations from her memory. "And you're offering it to me? Meg, why?"

Her throat tightened. She bore down. "I don't know why. I'm not in love with you, not yet. But you're a good man, and you're alone, and I'm alone, and neither of us deserves to be, and the clock is ticking, and why the hell do we have to analyze it all the way down to the electrons? Why can't we just take a modest chance on each other and see how it works out?"

"Easy, Meg." He looked around the restaurant, at everything but her. "So even if I might not be a 'keeper,' you're willing to take a chance that I might be? That's the long and the short of it?"

She nodded vigorously.

"But you see," he said, "that's the problem. You are a 'keeper.' I'm going to want to keep you. If you decide otherwise, what do I do then?"

"I don't know!" Tears rose to her eyes. "I can't guarantee you anything. I can't even promise you good sex. I've never done it before!"

He squeezed her hand and waited for her calm to return.

"I can handle that part," he said. "You're sure, then?"

She took a deep breath, counted to ten, and let it out. "I am."

"Waiter!" He reached for his wallet.

***

He undressed her slowly. Perhaps he was giving her every chance to change her mind. Or perhaps he wanted to be sure she was real. When her blouse and skirt were puddles of cloth on the floor and he made to remove her panties, she pulled back, and he froze.

"Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah." She stepped backward, felt the edge of her mattress press into her thighs, and lay back on her bed. "It's just --"

He rose and moved toward her. "I know."

No you don't.

They'd been working too late for her to have her regular nightly sessions in the tub. Her last application of the Clean Genie had been on Sunday, nearly a week behind her.

He spread her legs gently and knelt between them, put his fingertips to the wisp of silk over her loins, and teased it away. She fought to hold down her panic, strained not to show any tension or shame.

He was silent for a long instant. Her fear spiked.

"How beautiful you are," he breathed.

He put his lips to her labia and parted them with his tongue, and her world was made new.

***

Bladder pressure woke Morgana at half past two. Emil was asleep beside her, sprawled on his back and snoring gently. She resisted the urge to caress him, slipped out of bed, and headed for the bathroom.

As she came out her bedroom door she collided with Glynnis. Each threw her arms around the other instinctively. They started to giggle simultaneously, and quickly shut it off.

"I didn't know you were home," Morgana whispered.

"I got in after you did." Glynnis's eyes darted toward Morgana's bedroom. "Who is he?"

Morgana blushed. "How did you know?"

"You don't snore. So who is he?"

"A guy I work with. His name is Emil. He's awfully sweet."

Glynnis's lips curved upward. "Good for you."

Morgana couldn't quite believe she'd heard it. "Glyn, is everything okay?"

Glynnis giggled again. "You're not the only one with company."

Morgana gasped. In an instant all the awkwardness and distance of the six months past were swept away.

"Glyn, that's wonderful! I told you it would happen. Is, uh, is she a 'keeper'?"

Glynnis shrugged. "Maybe. You have to take a few chances, don't you?"

Shorn of all words, Morgana pulled her roommate close.

"You took a chance on me, didn't you?" Morgana whispered. "When you moved in, I mean."

She felt Glynnis nod against her shoulder. "And you took one on me. I hope you didn't let these past few months get to you, Meg. I was being stupid."

"No, you weren't. You were just disappointed. You've been a great roommate." Morgana pondered. "Are you going to want your own place now?"

Glynnis pulled back and peered at her through the darkness. "Do I need one?" She looked at the bedroom door again. "Is he a 'keeper'?"

"I don't know yet. I like him a lot, but, well --"

"Let it be, Meg. We'll take it as it comes. We've been doing that for two and a half years, and it's worked out okay."

"Okay." With that, Morgana felt the future open to her, possibilities beyond all counting.

"Hey, are you still using that, that thing?" Glynnis said.

"Yes, every...well, just about every night, why?"

"Does it really work?"

"You tell me."

Glynnis nodded. "I guess it was a good thing you tried it. Say, Meg...?"

Morgana saw the question in her roommate's eyes and held down a burst of laughter by main force.

"Get your own, Glyn."

"Ha! Okay."