All Comments on 'A Gift from an Alien or What Pt. 01'

Incest doesn't mean gay.

.....so? Tag clearly says "bisexual". Check the tags to avoid future surprises, bloke.

I have to tell you. You NEED AN EDITOR!!! I quit reading after the third run-on sentence in less than two paragraphs. And while I don't mind incest or gay stories, there is definitely a difference.

Seriously, your story lacks believable characters. If I had to describe them I would say they are incredibly bland actors shooting a master/slave scrip which is incredibly bland.

There is no connection between Josh and Julie that makes me feel like they are brother and sister. Guy jumped right onto the rape train, no fucks or consideration given. Treats women like sex dolls and makes them into one.

I seriously suggest a rewrite and think about how people will act more. Show their emotions and the breath they can take other than make the main character FEEL like a asshole.

1) Yes, you do need an editor.

2) Your work shows promise, and clearly you could use some more practice. So keep practicing. It's the only way any of us will ever get better!

3) This should probably be placed under the "mind control" Section

The premise of your story certainly deserves more exploration. Try writing some more chapters, develop the characters, and explore what they would do with their new found power. Will the hero become good or evil? Will the friend and sisters remain slaves or become colleagues?

Keep writing and Develop this story to its full potential.

NO HOMO!

All I see is the Sci-Fi/Fantasy category. Also, you difinitely, need an editor. As well as, the run on sentences; there are mispellings and homonyms. Waste for waist and to for two, for example.

Please learn English. Please also learn how dialogue works. Please also learn how perspective works. Once you got that down, come back and post again.

Thank you for the comments. most of your critics are valid. This was my first serious attempt and it is currently 6 part series I have put in up to part 4 and hope the story evolves better. A volunteer editor would be great so far I have had no replies to emails maybe now that a part is posted I will have better luck. Spelling I spent many days reviewing but apparently not enough. As for the character Josh I did a poor Job of what was in my head to put on paper this guy was so abused through his childhood by classmates and his sister sister setting him up to get beat up only to cum home and be disciplined for having blood on his clothes or torn clothes.This bitterness keeps popping up even though it is not the person he wants to be. Calling guys a fag was also part of this it was to raise a certain emotion nothing to do with being bisexual or gay. Apparently I have not portrayed that well. Thanks for the comments and I will try to improve thanks to your comments.

Really, I gave it some effort, trying to read this crap. First... FFS, any fifth grade kid should have better grammar. Second... You may be gay, or bi, or whatever the hell you call yourself, but most heterosexual men don't care to read about shit like this. Put this crap you imagine as a story in the gay category WHERE IT BELONGS.

....because we all know straight men are all that matter in the Sci-Fi category....HA!

And you can't talk about fifth grader grammar. I just found this in your fake rape story:

"Please don't? Please, please please just fuck the hell out of me?" Jen had her head down almost like she was dejected.

What is with the question marks? Don't you know the difference between an exclamation point and a question mark? It sound ridiculous when the awesome Gary Stu is being the best lover EVER to multiple women without breaking a sweat. Or...I guess that is how all CA Valler girls talk, which makes it worse...ew.

Last thing: if you have EVER wanked off to anything in SciFi other than dick-in-pussy missionary, you are a hypocrite and sorry, boy on boy or girl on girl does not trump a SciFi theme. You can go give a bison bull a rimjob and love it, since you're so scared if the D.

6'3" and 145? If he's 6'3", his skeleton alone weighs at least 100 pounds, even if he's skinny as fuck. At 145, you died of hunger 20 pounds ago.

Other than that, great story.

Premise is good. Is it perfect? Nope, but who cares people, FFS. it's free!!. Take heart Mountain, it's a start and you're trying to expand your horizons. Don't put too much stock in what a bunch of anonymous pricks have to say. Smack talk is cheap when they don't put a name to it. You've got a good imagination, keep plugging away, it will get better if you fight to learn from your mistakes.

Sorry, but between the problems with homonyms (sound-alike - using "to" instead of "too", "here" instead of "hear", and so on), the shifting point of view (who is narrating the story: Josh? Bill? someone else?), changes in tense (is this happening now, or has it already happened?), and characters thinking about themselves in the third person, this piece is so BADLY in need of an editor, I couldn't bring myself to finish reading it! Add to that the homoerotic elements in a story NOT filed under "Gay Male" (nor with at least a mention of that content in the introduction, so that those who would not enjoy (or are offended by) reading of man-on-man encounters would be forewarned), and I am giving up and moving on.

-Rei

I, for one, expect to read something written by someone who had enough respect for his/her readers to have the story edited, hopefully by someone with more than a passing familiarity with the English language.