A Gift in Disguise Ch. 01

With some lingering reluctance about keeping the diary, I agreed and left. As I walked to my car, it seemed odd that I had been able to talk so openly with a relative stranger about how I masturbated. None of the previous doctors had discussed my sexual development and responses as openly as Lorraine. And while I continued to walk, I found myself actually getting aroused at the possibility of sharing my sexual thoughts with her. I hoped it was a sign of progress.

-Part 6-

My university class work the following week suffered as it was quite difficult for me to concentrate on it. I wondered what the good doctor had in store for me on Thursday with her tests.

As usual, she greeted me at the door for our Thursday appointment. She was wearing a white lab coat that fell well below her knees. She led me to her office where we usually talked. I felt quite comfortable.

"Tom, these last few sessions have given me a great deal of insight into your condition. I suspect you're more interested in resolving it than in understanding it. Am I correct?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"All right then. First, did you follow my instructions about preparing for today?"

"Yes, I did just what you said. Here's the information you wanted me to write down. I hope it's okay that I just wrote it on notebook paper and stapled the sheets together?" I handed the sheets to her.

"Of course, Tom." She briefly flipped through the several pages of notes, though she only scanned them. "Good. Thank you for including so much detail. I'll study them carefully after today's session.

Now, Tom, you've probably heard of the polygraph, right? It's sometimes called a lie detector."

Lie detector? Does she think I'm making this stuff up?

"Yeah, a little bit I guess. Why?" My tone was obviously defensive.

"In simple terms, the polygraph measures involuntary physiological responses to external stimuli, carefully worded questions posed by an examiner. It measures blood pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate, and galvanic skin response. Different external stimuli cause involuntary changes in these conditions, and the polygraph records these changes. The operator interprets the changes.

I've added a penile plethysmograph sensor to the conventional computerized polygraph's sensors. Have you ever heard of a penile plethysmograph, Tom?"

"No."

"It was originally designed to measure male erectile responses to stimuli. A small pressure tube is fitted around the penis. Once it's in place, it's zeroed for the amount of pressure or tumescence normally present without external stimulation. When the male subject becomes sexually aroused, there is increased blood flow to his penis. This causes an enlargement in the penis' circumference. The plethysmograph translates even the slightest increase in tumescence into an electrical signal which is recorded on the polygraph. Have I completely lost you?"

"No, it basically measures changes in erection."

"That's exactly what it does, Tom. I believe that changes in blood pressure, heart rate, breathing rate, and skin electrical conductivity may also be indicators of increased sexual arousal. I've rewritten the computerized polygraph program so that instead of displaying each sensor's output as a separate line, the various outputs have been mathematically combined so they are displayed on the chart as just one line. It's a composite display of each subject's sexual response to each stimulus.

I would like to use my modified polygraph to identify what sexually stimulates you. Would you be willing to do that?"

"Why do you think that will help me?" I asked.

"I think that knowing what arouses you the most will help you put yourself in situations where you are most likely to be sexually satisfied rather than frustrated. I suspect it will help you select sexual partners who are more aligned with your own sexual wishes and desires."

"Well, I guess I've come this far, there's no reason not to at least give it a try."

"Good. Let me explain how we'll proceed. I'm going to use this model to show you how to install the plethysmograph cuff on your penis."

She reached into her desk drawer and withdrew an amazingly lifelike replica of a flaccid penis. It had some wires and a tube coming from in back.

"The reason you need to install the cuff yourself, Tom, is that if I handle your penis, you will become prematurely aroused before the test begins. As I said, the plethysmograph was originally designed to graph male sexual arousal. However I've modified this dildo to allow it to measure women's sexual arousal as well. This model penis is what I would insert into a woman's vagina to measure her sexual responses. The wires connect to the polygraph and the tube allows me to inflate the penis to varying lengths and hardness of erection."

She showed me how to install the cuff on the model, then she handed me the model and the cuff so I could practice. The replica penis was so lifelike I was embarrassed to even handle it. When she was satisfied that I could properly install it, she explained how the test would be conducted.

"You'll be seated in a comfortable reclining chair in a room. You'll be wearing headphones with a small microphone. I'll connect the various sensors, then leave the room. I will not be able to see you during the test, however we will be able to communicate via intercom through the headset and microphone. You'll also hear some sounds that accompany various images on the screen. Some of the images will have no sexual content at all. Others will be explicitly sexual. And Tom, I must tell you that you may be highly offended by some of the images and sounds.

Some of the scenes are of relatively poor quality. They came from various sources. None of the people appearing are professional models or actors. They agreed to allow me to use videos they made themselves or videos they allowed me to make. Their responses in the videos are genuine. Nothing in the scenes you will see has been staged for me. Again, Tom, some of what you see may offend or repulse you, because the scenes are real.

Here's the important thing: Please do not do anything to suppress what you're feeling about the images and sounds. Focus on them, not on how your responses are being recorded and analyzed. In short, it's important that your involuntary responses be truly involuntary.

Also, Tom, it's very important that you not touch your penis during the session. You will probably become aroused and have a strong urge to masturbate, but don't. If you touch yourself, it will affect the validity of the measurements.

Do you have any questions about the test procedure?"

"No, I guess not."

"All right, Tom. After the test has concluded, I'm going to let you sit and relax alone for a few minutes. Please keep the headset on during that time. I'll tell you before I reenter the room. If you want some more time to recover, just tell me. Okay?"

"Sure."

"After I've disconnected the sensors, you can go back into the dressing room, remove the penile sensor, and get dressed. Just leave the sensor in the dressing room. Come back in here, and we'll go to my office to talk briefly. Then we'll be through for the day."

She took me into another room. The room was maybe twelve feet square and had no windows. It was carpeted, comfortably warm, and had a recliner chair at one end facing a projection screen at the other end. There was a rolling metal tray stand next to the chair with the polygraph sensors connected to wires. It also had the headset and microphone.

"Tom, this is where you'll be during the testing. I'll be in another room monitoring the polygraph and talking with you on an intercom. You'll be wearing a comfortable stereo headset so the only sounds you hear will be coming through them. Any outside noises that might leak into the room would distract you and affect the test results. I'm going to take you into a dressing room now and have you remove your shirt, trousers, and underwear if you're wearing any. You can leave your socks on. Put on the medical gown in the dressing room, and make sure the gown's opening is in front. Come back into this room when you're ready."

She took me to the dressing room. I stripped, put on the gown, and then walked back into the testing room. Dr. Theriault was there waiting for me.

"Tom, I'm going to step out of the room while you install the plethysmograph tube around your penis. Just let the wire come out the front of the gown. Then close your gown's opening. Once you've installed it, put on the headset and talk to me through the intercom. I'll come back in to attach the wiring from the sensors to the wiring harness."

I sat down and fumbled with the tube. It had gone on the replica penis fairly easily, but I had a little trouble with the real thing. Nerves, I guess. Finally I got it on and adjusted as she had instructed. I put the headset on.

"Okay, I'm ready."

Dr. Theriault came back in and hooked me up to the other sensors. She adjusted the recliner until I was at a comfortable angle for viewing the screen. Then she left the room.

A moment later I heard her voice in the headset.

"Are you comfortable, Tom?"

"As comfortable as I can be."

"All right. I'm going to play some calming sounds through your headset for a while to let the instrument stabilize and let your nerves calm down. Please keep watching the screen."

Apparently her machine could tell I was nervous, and I didn't think the sounds helped. The lights dimmed, and after about a minute, the pictures began. As she had said, some of the pictures and sounds were nonsexual, mostly nice natural scenes like one might see in a public television travelogue. Some of the pictures were nude males and females of varying ages in nonsexual situations, and some of the pictures and sounds showed those same males and females engaged in a variety of sexual activities, some heterosexual, some homosexual, some masturbatory. She was right. Some of the pictures, particularly those involving children, were nauseatingly repulsive. I fervently hoped she had obtained them from the police after the perverts had been sent to prison.

After about 45 minutes the screen faded to black and the room lights slowly came back up to normal. I was ready to be de-wired, but she had instructed me to relax for a few minutes so I did. It occurred to me that her machine should tell her when my erection had subsided.

"Tom, are you ready to get dressed?" she finally asked through the intercom.

"Yes, come on in."

"All right, Tom," she spoke as she removed all but the penile sensor. "Go on into the dressing room and get dressed. Just leave the sensor on the bench there. Then come back out here."

All in all, it had not been a bad experience, just a little weird, watching movies all wired up. I dressed and returned to the viewing room.

"Let's go in my office, Tom," she said as she led the way.

"So, did I pass or fail?" I asked trying to inject some humor to ease my discomfort. I guess I half-way expected her to start telling me what a pervert I was.

"It wasn't that kind of test, Tom," she answered patiently. "My instrument got excellent responses from all of the sensors. And I really want to commend you for not trying to suppress your responses. I can tell when someone is trying to conceal their true responses, but you were almost a perfect subject for testing.

The only odd thing was that the sensor on your finger that detects galvanic skin response presented a very odd line. It's probably a minor adjustment or something.

I know you're probably wondering what I learned from the results, but I'll need a couple days to study the charts. I don't like giving off-the-cuff opinions."

"Bad pun, Lorraine," I said lightly.

She looked at me curiously for just a second before she started to laugh.

"Actually, Tom, that's very good. Cuff. I get it. And I'm very happy that you're finally calling me by my name. So ... I would like you to come back next Thursday, and I'll run almost this same test again if that's all right with you."

"Almost the same test?"

"Yes. The images will use different scenes, but the procedure will be the same. Well, almost the same. Given what you've told me, I doubt you're going to be happy to hear about the preparation for next week."

She paused, then smiled very warmly.

"You can't masturbate at all between now and your test next week."

"Not at all?"

"No, not at all. Cold showers, Tom. It's not as bad as it sounds. And there's a very good reason. I wanted you to be sexually depleted for the test this week. I want you sexually primed for the one next week. I want to see if your degree of sexual readiness, your state of arousal, has any effect on what it takes to stimulate you. I won't tell you what I expect, but please trust me. This is very important."

As quickly as she finished speaking, she arose, took my hand, and led me to the door.

"Same time next week, Tom. And remember, no jerking off before then."

-Part 7-

It was hard. Not jerking off, I mean. Well, so was my cock. I had to wear loose pants to classes the entire week. It seemed like anything I looked at gave me a hard on.

Finally Friday rolled around, and I proceeded to Lorraine's office.

She was wearing the long white lab coat again. I could smell a hint of perfume. She might have worn the perfume during earlier visits and I just hadn't noticed. In my enhanced state of horniness, someone could have jammed a clove of garlic up my nose and I'd have gotten hard. The perfume was better than garlic. Subtle but highly arousing.

We spoke briefly as she led me to the test room as she had the week before. She reminded me of the test procedure. I went into the dressing room, disrobed, installed the tube on my cock, and put on that ugly hospital gown. Then I went back into the test room. As before, she installed all the hookups and left the room. I put on the headset, but instead of her voice, I heard the soft sounds. She let the sounds play until I was almost asleep, then she spoke.

"Tom, I'm ready to start the test."

With her subtle French accent her voice seemed sexier, softer, less clinical. I felt my cock twitch. I hoped I hadn't blown the test before it even started. The test proceeded as it had the previous week with innocuous images and sounds interspersed with sexual ones. This time some of the images and sounds were so arousing I almost orgasmed from the pressure of the tube. There was a brief familiarity about one of the women in the videos, but I never saw a clear picture of her face, and the only sounds she made were sexual noises. In one set of images she was with a male partner, and in another set she was with a female.

Finally the screen went dark.

"Just relax for a few minutes, Tom," she said through the headset.

It took longer this time for my erection to subside. When it finally receded, I told Dr. Theriault she could come in.

As before, she disconnected the wires and told me to get dressed, then we would meet to discuss the results.

We went back into her office. She took off her white laboratory coat and hung it on a nearby coat rack. I was surprised, pleasantly, to see her wearing a stylish white short-sleeve blouse, a gray wool pinstripe skirt that stopped both modestly and enticingly just above her knee, and dark stockings. While her clothing would hardly be called provocative, my abstinence from sexual relief during the preceding week had reduced my time-required-to-reach-full-erection to milliseconds. She glanced and could hardly have avoided noticing the expanding bulge in my trousers.

She walked to her large desk. The top had been cleared of all the desk accessories, and there were three of her polygraph charts aligned across it.

"Tom, I'm generally pleased with your results. I went back over all your records of earlier visits with doctors, and of course, I reviewed the notes you made on your masturbatory habits."

Before she could continue, I interrupted.

"Lorraine, I really have to apologize for some of the stuff in those notes."

"Why, Tom? I didn't see anything in there you should apologize for? Are you referring to the notes you made the last three times you masturbated? The ones where I was the subject of your sexual fantasy? Because if that's what's concerning you, please put it out of your mind.

First of all, I appreciate your honesty in the notes. You could easily have lied and said you were using someone else. You didn't, and that tells me that you're committed to resolving your temporary impotence.

Second, as a forty-nine-year-old woman I was extremely flattered that you found me sexually attractive. I haven't worn any particularly provocative clothing during our visits, so your attraction to me must have been based on something other than visual cues.

Third, your notes were excellent. Very revealing, obviously very honest, and very helpful.

Now, let's move on to your test results today, shall we?

As expected, your erections were more intense and of longer duration today than last week. And your responses to various stimuli were consistent with last week's results."

She saw my distracted look. My gaze was fixed on the somewhat scooped neckline of her blouse, my imagination wandering to what might lie beneath it. She continued.

"That means you reacted to the same things this week as you did last week. Your responses this week were just stronger because of your abstinence from masturbation. I think some of what I'm going to tell you will be clearer if we look at the polygraph charts here."

I walked around her desk and stood beside her. She had positioned the second chart directly below the first, carefully aligning them using some tic marks on both sheets. She had aligned a third chart below the first two.

Standing beside her, I again caught the faint scent of the alluring perfume she wore. That didn't help my concentration, but it added to the hardness of my erection. I was becoming more distracted by my sexual attraction to her.

"All right, Tom, let me explain. As I said before, the top chart is from last week. The amplitude of the curves is an indicator of your arousal. The middle chart is the one we ran today. You probably didn't notice, but the theme of each scene you watched last week was exactly the same as the theme of each scene this week. The participants were different, but the scenes were in the same sequence. That was done intentionally to allow me to more easily align the charts for comparison. I've aligned the charts so the scenes coincide. The lines I've drawn in red mark the beginning and end of each scene. Now, let's compare your two charts...î

"What's the third chart, the bottom one?" I interrupted.

"I'll get to that soon. First, let me explain what your two charts show. Your charts were remarkably consistent in terms of what changed the intensity of your arousal. That's good. The only difference between last week's chart and this week's was that the amplitude, the intensity, of the arousal was stronger this week. That was completely expected, because after all, you haven't had any sexual relief for a week now."

She turned her head to the right and looked deeply into my eyes. Briefly, but just long enough. Then she went on.

"You showed some arousal to both women and men..."

That got my attention, and I shot an alarmed glance at her. She anticipated my question.

"No, Tom, you're not gay. At least, there's no sign of that in any of your tests. Men and women can both experience some level of arousal by members of their own gender. In fact, if you had been completely nonresponsive to some of the images of men, I would have been surprised. That you produced some physiological responses to some of the men is a sign of healthy sexuality. Your responses were more likely out of curiosity than genuine sexual desire to participate in homosexual behavior.