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Click hereSo what I give to you here is the Jean Martel I loved. Scratch that. The Jean Martel I still love. Maybe not the one that really existed, but a better one, one that never had problems and that never fought with me. This Jean and I, the story-Jean and the story-me, are still together. And in my mind Jean is still young and short-haired and bounding up to me with that big manic grin and some new oddity to share.
- COMMENTS
pseud277over 3 years agoJust enough pathos to make me believe she existed. Still exists? Any way that may just be me remembering somebody else. Good story
Anonymousalmost 13 years agoNo, not like an awesome steak. I meant that it's a rare pleasure to be engaged by such a well-crafted and evocative story. I loved everything, but especially the voice of the narrator. Romantic, sexy, thoughtful, philosophical, kinda casual…you got it nailed. My kinda story. Adored it.
YANKEE DANover 13 years agoI saw on the forums you wanted feedback on this one. Well I read it. And God this reminds me of how I feel about a girl I dated once. I suppose that means it's effective, but why did you have to depress me when I was looking for porn? 4 SERIOUS MAN WTF!
nerkalmost 14 years agoAbove all, I love the love that you depict so effectively. The attention to detail and the nuance of these characters in the scenes you've described is absolutely top shelf.
You weave a marvelous spell with your writing. The bookstore, especially stood out, but also the cramped apartment and the pukey bathroom and the girl you love, etc. You break the spell again and again with asides and commentary, which I'm certain you are aware of and have made a choice to do. I just want to go on record as saying I would rather you did not do so in mid-scene. To me, the framing and especially the asides make this less a love letter to Jean, and more a love letter to self-aware narrators.
When you tell me that you are kissing "unironically" I don't believe you. Just for a moment, I think "if it isn't ironic, why is it still about irony?" Then the irony that your narrator is so ironic that you need to mention when he's not being ironic sinks in, and the wonder of the moment is lost. Ironically, we already knew they were being ironic when they started with teh romance novels, and I think the turn away from irony is better expressed by not mentioning it.
Aside from that one word, though, I think you've got something really good here.
lannceralmost 14 years agoI like the way it is written and how the story moves. A good drama.
