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When they parted, she did something way out of character. She gave him a hug. He hugged her back and they promised to call each other. Alexandra Volcy walked away feeling great. So great that she rushed back to the dorm to gossip with her friends about the hot guy she met.
Michael Renard felt smitten with Alexandra. He didn't know why. He felt drawn to her. For once, the Demon inside him hadn't been there and he still had met a girl. That was awesome. He told himself he'd call and set up a date with her. He just had to see her again, even if he didn't know why.
To be continued.
Refreshing and quite intriguing. if you do not continue this story please continue writing. EarthStallion.
I saw no other comments so I'm going to put my two cents out there. Why in the name of all that's holy do we need to know what kind of toothpaste she uses, that she emptied her bowels (ewwwwwwwwww) and any other minute beat to death detail you choose to add. Sometimes less is more and in this case, a hell of a lot less is needed. You describe and explain things that don't need to be described and/or explained. All you had to say is that she awakened, stretch and headed to the bathroom to get ready for the day. Describe some things fleetingly and stop giving us info on people taking a dump! To me, that will NEVER be sexy!
I really liked the "jerky style". The way you introduced your characters was something completely new, it made me curious about the story. Though I have to say, the end was a bit sudden (compared to the beginning), it might have been a good strategy, if you're planning to write another story.
The ideas you have are fine, but I couldn't read past the description of your first character because you're writing in such inane detail (who cares if she uses Colgate total or wears Hanes underwear?). What could have been beautiful becomes tedious. You definitely show signs of promise but really need to pare down to necessary details and let the writing flow- I think you're trying too hard just now. Good luck!
I loved this story. You combined a great build up with a dualism that just worked great. And for a cliffhanger you couldn't have done better!! I can't wait for more!!
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