by sithdino
You really should find an editor before posting another story.
The errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation were so numerous and distracting in this story that I stopped reading after the first two or three paragraphs.
If a line of dialog is a question, end it with a question mark INSIDE the closing quotation mark. For example:
WRONG:
"Where are we going" I asked as she drove?
RIGHT:
"Where are we going?", I asked as she drove.
WRONG:
"What are you wearing under"?
RIGHT:
"What are you wearing under?"
WRONG:
"The tight shorts I usually wear...you know"?
RIGHT:
"The tight shorts I usually wear, you know?"
WRONG:
"And you" I asked?
RIGHT:
"And you?", I asked.
WRONG:
"Are you feeling adventurous" she asked?
RIGHT:
"Are you feeling adventurous?", she asked.
And that's about how far into your story as I could stand to read, the problems were so distracting.
Thank you and welcome, sithdibo. This was a well-written and sexy piece of work, even more so as it seems to be your first effort here. Very well done - I look forward to reading much more. Five stars.