tagHumor & SatireA New World Record

A New World Record

byTx Tall Tales©

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Just what was the record they were setting?

A little tongue in cheek, humor entry in the NUDE DAY STORY CONTEST 2013. It is in no way sanctioned by Guinness World Records.

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Ross King, Shock Jock Extraordinaire, nodded to Kimberly and Dean, as they continued distributing the outfits. The steady stream of participants passed under the banner, proclaiming the Guinness attempt for the largest "Human Chair".

The old record of 1311 was going to be eclipsed. This was the third practice, and virtually every adult in the entire town had turned out for the event.

Not content to simply set a single record, they were going for multiples. Each person who wanted to participate was given an official uniform, and directed to the massive changing tents, where the men and women exchanged their travel wear for the official shirt and briefs. From there, they marched single file into the gated corral, to ensure the number of participants were accounted for, and there would be no interference.

Groups were standing around practicing, lining up front to back, only inches apart, and sitting on the lap of the person behind them on a count of three. It was very rare that any group would collapse. The practice rounds had been successful.

Ross checked the weather again. Timing was everything. The front was advancing rapidly and they were rushing the last participants through the changing area. The Guinness judges were counting out the members onto the field. The simple white tops and shorts, with black lettering proclaiming the town's name, was meant to generate badly needed publicity.

The chalk lines had already been painted on the ground. Ten tightly packed concentric spirals ended in a single chair. At the sound of the horn, the entire line would sit backward, going from standing to the 'human chair' in one second flat.

The coaches worked rapidly, lining up each group, ordering them male / female. The Guinness judge walked the circle, rapidly counting out the number of participants in each loop. There was excitement in the air, laughter, anticipation. There was little doubt they'd own at least two new Guinness records within the hour.

As each loop was completed, the next one lined up less than a foot outside the internal one, a densely packed grouping, looking like human dominoes.

Kimberly stood next to Ross, watching the proceedings nervously. "There gonna run you out of town," she said. "It's not too late to stop it."

Ross laughed. He was going to be a legend. He'd parlay this day into a major multimedia career.

"They're going to run all of us out of town. I hope the car's gassed up," Dean whined.

"Stop sniveling. You knew how this was going to pan out. It's done. Look they're on the last loop. We'll get an official count any moment now, and not a minute too soon. Go man your cameras."

His assistants gazed nervously at the approaching squall line. They were running out of time. They hurried over to their stations and trained their video cameras on the massive group below.

Ross and the Guinness Records judge, standing on the raised platform, confirmed the raised flags. Everyone was ready.

"How many?" Ross asked. Just from the number of outfits distributed he knew it had to be close to 5000.

"Four thousand, nine hundred and twenty two," the judge confirmed.

Ross stood up to the microphone. "Citizens of Sanford! ARE YOU READY!"

"READY!" 5000 voices screamed out.

"On the first siren everyone will SIT and remained seated on the lap behind you for one minute. That will give us a new GUINNESS WORLD RECORD, more than tripling the previous record!"

The crowd cheered excitedly.

"The second siren will announce the completion of the record. NOBODY MOVE!"

Another cheer.

"We will hold the position for FIVE FULL MINUTES. A BRAND NEW GUINNESS WORLD RECORD!"

The screams and cheers were if anything even louder.

Ross grinned. "We've got a storm approaching but we're not going to let a little thing like water bother us are we!"

"NOOOO!" screamed the masses.

"On the third Siren, everyone will stand and turn 180 degrees. The fourth Siren will sound, and you will SIT AGAIN. THE LONGEST HUMAN CHAIR REVERSAL, AND A THIRD GUINNESS RECORD!"

Screams and cheers continued emanating from the crowd.

"ONE MORE MINUTE, THAT'S ALL IT WILL TAKE. THE FIFTH AND FINAL SIREN WILL GO OFF AFTER ONE MORE MINUTE, AND ALL THREE WORLD RECORDS WILL BE OURS!" Ross screamed out into the microphone.

The response was almost deafening.

"Once more. Sanford, ARE YOU READY!" He'd dragged it out as long as he could. He could see the sheet of rain, only a few hundred yards away, the first stray drops already landing. Perfect.

"READY!"

"On the count of three, ONE... TWO... THREE!" The Siren blasted out a single shriek, and nearly 5,000 people sat. It was beautiful.

There was no wavering, an eerie silence feel over the field. The Guinness judge kept glancing back and forth from his watch to the crowd, as the first serious rain started falling.

"HOLD ON!" Ross announced into the microphone. "It's just a little rain, hold steady, almost there." The big clock showed 50 seconds, but only the judges chronometer was official. The judge turned to Ross and nodded smiling.

Ross hit the siren, and 5000 voices screamed in joy. "A NEW WORLD RECORD! HOLD ON NOW, HERE'S THE HARD PART, FIVE MINUTES."

The rain had officially become a downpour, and Ross was giggling. Once the water hit, it would only be a few seconds before the real record would be set.

He laughed as he saw the people at the leading edge of the spiral start grasping at their shirts. The water soluble fabric was dissolving, and would be gone in moments. Nothing would be left. Nothing.

"STEADY!" He shouted into the microphone. "HOLD YOUR POSITIONS! DON'T MESS IT UP. DO IT FOR SANFORD!" He chuckled, wondering how long it would be before they broke. He had to keep them together, just a little longer. "THREE MINUTES, MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE. STEADY NOW. IGNORE THE RAIN!"

Ross looked over at his assistants, perched on the corners of the corral, capturing everything. He was amazed, no way they could stick it out. Someone, one of them had to break. Impossible that 5000 people could handle having their clothing washed off of them.

He glanced up at the clock. Only 30 seconds left, unofficially. "THIRTY SECONDS!"

It couldn't be... laughter? Cheering? He looked over at the judge who was smiling. He lifted his hand.

Ross almost forgot to hit the siren. He slapped the button, and 5000 people stood simultaneously, holding each other's shoulders. This was the hard part. Never done before. In only a couple of seconds, like reverse dominoes, the entire spiral of humanity was standing. Standing and screaming.

"A SECOND WORLD RECORD. Everyone, turn around TO YOUR LEFT."

Like a choreographed dance, the 5000 naked men and women turned in place, any last remnants of their temporary clothing dissolved and gone. They were laughing and cheering! This wasn't supposed to be happening.

"On the count of three, SIT!" Ross called out. "ONE... TWO... THREE" He hit the siren and the group sat in reverse.

"ONE MINUTE TO GO FOR YOUR THIRD RECORD!"

He looked up at the judge who was studying the formation, and nodded.

Ross was distraught. This was going to ruin everything! There was no humor in this! He grabbed the intern standing in the corner. "Go into the corral. When I hit the siren, you need to pull the chair out from under the guy in the middle."

"But..."

"JUST DO IT!" Ross screamed at the college junior. The frightened guy ran down the steps, through the torrential rain and into the corral. The judge was already lifting his hand. One minute was up, but it was too soon. The kid was almost there. Almost...

The judge was waving his hand, glaring at Ross. Ross hit the siren, and smiled as the naive kid yanked out the chair starting a chain reaction of everyone falling backward onto the person behind them. 5000 naked people rolling on top of each other. Hilarious.

Ross turned to the judge. "Would you like to inspect their clothing?"

The judge laughed. "No need. The sample is gone. From here it is quite obvious, there's not a stitch of clothing among them. It's official. You have the record."

Ross watched the rolling tumbling squirming mass of naked flesh, and felt oddly proud of this community.

"PEOPLE OF SANFORD. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE SET A FOURTH GUINNESS RECORD. LARGEST NUDE DAY GATHERING. FOUR THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE NAKED PEOPLE. A NEW WORLD RECORD!"

"Actually, Four thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two," the judge corrected him.

Ross laughed, stripping off his shirt and shorts. "Twenty-three, unless you'd like to join us and make it twenty-four."

The staid judge, standing in his requisite suit and tie uniform grinned. He pulled his tie loose, kicking off his shoes at the same time. He was down to his boxers when he saw Ross King, record organizer and AM personality dive into the squirming mass of laughing bodies.

The judge leaned over the microphone. "Four thousand, nine hundred and twenty four. Congratulations Sanford, on a New Guinness World Record." Jogging into the ring, he sought out those improbably large breasts he'd been observing only moments before.

He'd always wanted to participate, even if unofficially. If ever there was a record worth joining in on, this would seem to be the one.

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Just a short break from the serious writing. Nothing serious. Hope you enjoyed it.

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byTx Tall Tales© 3 comments/ 21194 views/ 2 favorites

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