All Comments on 'A Tale of Two Sisters'

Good start I cannot wait for more.

Using stangstar as a muse in this well done

Gary finally "getting it" was a little drawn out, but otherwise a pretty solid tale. Looking forward to the remaining parts. Don't make us wait!

This new effort seems well organized and focused more towards audience enjoyment instead of focusing more on the themes of hate and depression that some of your recent work has previously been categorized as "going a little overboard" in being saddled with. I like the start of this, I praise your steady and clear tone of voice, and for this chapter one, the reveal is presented well, as a unique character study between these two bitchy/witchy sisters. I feel positive about this effort because I think you have well laid the foundations in place to get us there. Good work, and looking forward to more of this caliber. Thanks!

If you are going to do a chapter story, then let people know it is going to be a chapter story. I will never know how this ends, because I do not read incomplete stories. I hate reading a good story to have it end in mid scene. I do not like serials and do not read them unless they are finished and I can read them all in one go. So, that must mean I will not read the rest of this story because you forgot to use some common courtesy in letting me know this was going to be a chapter story at the beginning. If that was so, I could wait until it was finished to read it. So, since you forgot to warm me, you get a 1 to what could be a good story. I don't like giving 1's, but it is the only way I know to make the point. You're a good writer, so please keep writing, but also please make some adjustments to your writing.

Myhands316

Hey Myhands316, in the very first sentence of the intro he said it's going to be four parts. Btw great story so far!

Very well written.

engaging characters.

mentioning an absent brother and her daughter like that brings to mind unpleasant things.

Can not wait for chapter 2

whats this got to do with the story the dentist . Please someone tell me there not Evan the same people.

You must not think much of nurses or know much about the profession. No one as dumb as this mook could have passed any state nursing licensing exam. And certainly he could not have been accepted into any legit PA program.

Pretty good story. Enough meat here and character development to get a sense about the people. I can't decide if Gary is either wishy-washy, a wimp or is just so disappointed that he can't act more strongly.

You have set up the readers up for a nice B-T-B scenario with plenty of collaterial damage. Also getting together with Virna.

The plot was almost decent, but the writing was for shit.

I finally bailed when you referred to Aspartame as Aspertaine.

I don't think even an editor could rescue this drivel.

I don't agree at all with the comments about the quality. It is well done and I am waiting for the other chapters.

Stylistically, there is a lot of narration. But, I'm not sure it could be done differently as effectively, so Carvohi gets a pass from me on that! The 'stream of consciousness' style of Hubby's thinking is a bit off-putting, but that is actually what SoC IS, anyway! Another pass (and it didn't take that long to get used to it!)

Part of what I like is that EACH of the major characters have likeability aspects to them (and a lot of 'dark side,' as well!). The path to the end appears simple and (fairly) easy ... which means there are probably three or four MEAN switchbacks right over some small hills (and the warning signs went out in the last flood!)

rating pending, but looks promising.

5 for recognizing the we all lie to ourselves, and that we are often in love with the idea of a loving relationship to the point of projecting that on to a less than loving relationship!

things about people who write but this was terrible, the main character came off as a person who was slow and as far as the sisters go their I.Qs. were around ten. Read where one person thought it was a good start i wonder if he ever read a book.

This was a bit sad in that you've almost made the main character into a Forest Gump. I hope the succeeding chapters give him some balls. The story line is okay. Cheers!

The story moves along well. The only thing that bothers me about this story-line is that he now has the proof of his wife's infidelity and disrespect and has done nothing with it. He's going to "Hold on to it". With his reactive attitude,I kind of feel he's less than manly as a character myself. As things stand now,I actually find myself rooting for no one in this story.

This nice guy married the wrong sister. His wife only wants a grease monkey ,not a bad trade , but she hates the clean cute guy Gary . So does he wind up with the other sister , probably. A happy ending?

This tale dont make any sense, Gary is utterly idiot.

Five star effort so far. I am a little confused about the foster parents. He talks to them about his troubles, but then later they are both dead. Perhaps I'm confused.

He does state his Fathers' Father, was the one he visited

Way too much detail re the professor's comments, the football discussion at the party, how Gary and Marty met, etc. Assuming MD is a no-fault divorce state, the night he saw the paramour leave his apartment, he should have simply gone in and said, "Marty, this marriage is not working out how I had hoped it would. I am not happy and I want a divorce." (Of course, then he wouldn't have heard the sisters' taped conversation.) I hope the author gets Marty out of the story in the next few pages.

this is bad its scary. he has absolute proof his wife is fucking allan BEFORE the video... Why does he need it?

And why is he going to family parties and pretending they are happily married?

the whole "lets install video cameras" was a bew low in stupid.

Gary already KNOWS.... KNOWS that she is cheating on him.

I like the fact that there is so much going on in this story, and as sad and f-d up as many of the characters are - well it just makes them more real. I've known a few folks who were fostered/adopted and the idea of the parents didn't adopt (or didn't right away) because of the money - that does a lot of long term damage.

Also, I have to say that a good nurse wouldn't be going for a PA, he'd be going for an NP degree; but the differences between nursing and medicine are a whole other discussion which doesn't really belong here.

I go back and forth about the main character - I wish it had been more obvious early on that this is mostly his not only POV but internal running monologue. That explained a lot when I finally got it.

Yep, after reading Ch2, this series is on the EZ5 track

Thanks for posting.

if I had the visual and suspected evidence that the husband has of his wife cheating in the beginning of this chapter, I would have directly intervened in the adulterous relationship. No languishing for me, I would have used every legal social, psychological and physical means available to prevent Marty and Allen's clandestine meetings and to alert every relative (certainly Yvonne), friend, workmate and acquaintence of the cheating pair. I would have kept up the pressure until either the marriage or the affair dissolved. If the affair went first, only then would any thought be given to maintaining the marriage. Who would sit on a mess like that while the offenders continued the humiliation? Get it over with and be done with it!

Is in the Atlantic Ocean. Can you edit that to west?

I'll have to agree with newtinmpls on one thing. It's only minutiae, and has no real barring on the story. But, as I am an RTP, with a MS, I would much rather see him going after a NP than a PA. This certainly doesn't detract from the story. My wife, who is an RN, also with a MS, agrees with me. Awesome story, don't take this as criticism. Just personal view point.

Fascinating, but dumb characters.... The inverse snobbery of complaining that he does not even change the oil on his car was really amusing. If his observations on her hot lovemaking are correct she does not have any sexual sensitivity.

This is very good so far, excellent writing,

Nuff said.

I'm luvin' this one!

Also he is got to be a Brit ! They are all gutless yela belly wimps.

Though I skipped most of this drivel, it still left bad taste .

A perfect story to give "1*" it deserves.

So what do we have here? A wife who cheats on her husband and doesn't love him and a sister-in-law who seems to dislike him yet secretly loves him.

Now what???

Five Stars

While I am enjoying your tale. I am a bit confused. On page 1 Gary gets advice from his foster parent. Then on page 2 he says there dead, but then a few paragraphs later he refers to the advice. Whats it gonna be?

Optimus, in the story the biological parents are dead but the foster parents are still alive.

you know I read thus and had to reread a couple spots

that it was the foster parent, parent that had pasted away

I believe. not his foster parents

My protagonist had foster parents. They weren't very affluent, but they wanted children. My protagonist got two loving, caring, nurturing foster parents who made him a loving caring person. This is true of nearly all foster parents, but we only hear about the exceptions. The whole idea of foster parents came about because of the horrors of orphanages. The foster parents idea is a worthy thing that has produced many worthwhile adults. Let's hope idiots like Newt Gingrich don't destroy it.

I'm enjoying this story. The hints about Virna weren't exactly subtle but it doesn't hurt to feel a little smug while reading. Sort of a "I'm smart enough to keep up." feeling. You've kept my interest..

You say that but stay anonymous? Look me up if your ever in the UK and we can have a chat about how you feel... Good story so far.

As an old friend used to say, (English Major, go figure). I'm surprised that I haven't stumbled upon your stories before. Not only is your writing entertaining but it aids in the procrastination of my own writing. Documents, documents and more documents of observations and assessments of behavior nothing creative. What you see is what you get, literally. That's probably why I enjoy the fictional worlds you authors create. Especially the good ones Thank you

But he would be far better off without the both of them! Neither sister loves him, That's apparent from how they both treat him, and speak about him. He's just the rope in a sibling tug of war! Neither one wants him, they just don't want the other sister to have him. Virna knows all about her sister, that she is a slut, that she is cheating and purposefully humiliating him, and what does she do? She drops snide comments at him, mocking him, laughing at him. She keeps her slut sister's secret for her, helping keep him in the dark. That doesn't sound like love. That makes her an accomplice to Marty's cheating. As I said, she, like her sister, doesn't want him, It's just a case of sibling rivalry.

On a side note, how can someone that is supposed to be college educated, that's supposed to be a medical professional, be THAT stupid and indecisive at the same time? Patient mortality must skyrocket during his shift!

Why didn’t he go in when he got home and saw her car and Allen’s truck there?

Gary IS stupid! Virna’s been telling him he’s stupid, then he realizes that she knows about Marty and Allen and doesn’t put two-and-two together that that’s why she thinks he’s stupid because he apparently doesn’t realize she’s cheating on him. And then he doesn’t pick up on the “cream pie” reference!

“I told him I worked Sunday, but I didn't have to go in until 9:00 a.m. We could meet around 11:00 just before lunch.”

“I left for work my usual time and got there by 8:00 a.m” “ Around 4:00 I called our apartment. …….. Then I called Owen and we arranged to meet at the Starbucks across from the hospital.”

I thought he was going in at 9:00 and they were going to meet at11:00, just before lunch?

How did Owen get a hold of Marty’s cell phone?

“Damn it Virna I need him with me!"

It sure doesn’t SOUND like she needs him, it sounds like she can’t stand him!

Where did you get the idea this had anything to do with "The Dentist"?

carvohi simply referenced some comments he got on it.

your story is very gripping- i say, dump both of them and move on

but it seemed to be all over the place, and over done in places that neither helped or hurt characters or situation, almost like filler, but with details. really liked the story line, and the way it's going. there is a lot of real world, in that, he couldn't afford a PI, or buy all the equipment, and the lack of time when working and going to school.

You badly need a ruthless editor to cut all the dead wood out of this. Two thirds of this was just verbiage. I love the story though. If only I didn't have to wade through the pile of words to get to the story.

I tried to give you a 5 star rating on this one and I did. Usually when I put the curser on the stars it gives me what it wants too. Must be smarter than me.

I liked the story. I would bet that there are quite a few marriages out there where one or the other spouse "settled" for less than what they wanted just to get something. I would also suspect that most of the wives aren't cheating bitches like here. But then there wouldn't be a LovingWivesLand in real life, would there?

I miss some plot items since I skim the sex but that is just me I suppose.

Was enjoying story...really reading not skimming...the right at end you ruined my enjoyment.

The justplainboob reference...while he may be most prolific, having read many of his stories he is not a good writer...he just post a whole bunch of words..

Sort of like that lewdslummydoggydooo

Oh well brothers in the inkwell I guess

Just like I am one of the untouchable anons

Looking forward to being deleted after all those NO ANSWER NAMED COMMENTERS HAVE EXCORIATED ME

Do so enjoy your stories though

Granny bodin

I agree with OBD Just so many ways tab A goes in slot B before it gets real boring

You write fairly well... But you tend to ramble...

-jaye-

I skipped over a lot of this, it was that boring. I don't get stories where a guy finds his wife hates him and is blatantly cheating, and he does NOTHING. Not even an accusation. Just five pages of moping about and crying. What's the point? At some point SOMETHING has to happen, or readers just become frustrated and lose interest.

especially the women - Virna, Serena, Zoey, Jessie, Helen, and others.

I really enjoy your stories Jed. Can't wait to finish the other chapters. I am fond of BTB stories though... Total Nuclear for me!!!

A long and boring tale about a wimp looking for his balls. It would have been much better if you had cut the wimpy part of the story into a shorter one about a real man. But it's your story. If you want to write a cuckold who knows his wife is cheating on him and walk in circles doing nothing, well it's your story.

I liked this yarn. Good character and background building. I liked that the MC is not some successful rich dude, just and ordinary guy trying to get by. I look forward to reading future episodes. 5 stars.

Dry.

I've been a member here since 2005, and this story is the first time I've gone and 1*'d every chapter in a story. The only stories I tend to not like in the LW category involve swapping/sharing or weak/beta/cuck males. This story falls in the latter. I hope people read the comments before reading all the other chapters. I wish I had. This story is nothing but toxic relationships and an evil family.

This story has a very big TWIST at the end. The destruction of Gary's marriage was perpetrated by Virna (the sister). She sets Marty on the path with Allen. She dates a rich and handsome doctor (who happens to be black, so the story introduces that entire trope). Then, at the end, after putting Gary through the ringer to fight and win her affections from the man she's just pretending to like, she admits that she's been manipulating Gary the entire time because she loves him and Marty stole him from her.

Gary is a passive and submissive White Knight. He takes all the insults and abuse and doesn't really do anything about it.

Marty is portrayed as someone that hasn't properly grown up. After the affair, we're told some of her backstory to make her slightly more likable, but it's just wasted words. She's the product of her father raping her mother after she cheated and gave birth to her lover's son.

Marty's mom is a cheater, and we learn Marty's brother was the result. She had her tubes tied after Marty was born to prevent her husband from getting the biological son he always wanted.

Virna is... evil.

⭐⭐👎🏿 Such a pointless, stupid collection of words. The first paragraph Gary knows that Marty is cheating on him. Several paragraphs later, there shouldn't be any doubt. Marriage of less than 2 years, no kids; divorce the bitch! Instead, here is 5 long winded, rambling pages of wimpy whining and cuck drivel. This isn't character development; and it doesn't build towards a climax. It's just bad.

This really dragged along. Why write 1 word when you can write 10 seems to be the philosophy. Too much repetition and tangential storyline.

This whole part could easily have been written in 1 page. The MC knows she's cheating in the first couple of paragraphs, yet 5 pages later he still hasn't confronted her.

What a spineless character you have written... he not only is a wimpering whiner, he can't even make a decision to divorce his cheating wife after he has all the evidence he needs... this story needed to end 2 pages ago.

Contrary to the comments below, I like this. You are a great story-teller and even if I don’t particularly like the characters, the stories are enjoyable to read.

The main character has no qualities required from a human being. He is weak, cannot make up his mind, gets bossed around by everybody. He is retarded. Could not go beyond part 2. What a waste.

This is quite good. MC's no wimp.

The comments I've read largely pan this story. I found it to be a good beginning.

( not even reading other comments)……..story seems to be moving along fine. No carping on anything

Hurry up and divorce her. Marry the other sister and help raise Tammy, the innocent incest daughter. PS. Morgan is probably gay.