All Comments on 'A Valentine Surprise'

Pros: You have a knack for writing down and dirty sex scenes. You're a romantic at heart.

Cons: Dialogue contrived (hint, not everyone speaks like a pornstar), your character descriptions were straight outta a Harliquen romance (that's a negative for me, not all readers).

Keep writing. You're off to a strong start.

Obviously both were very horny and couldn't wait to fuck, even not using the condoms they both had? It could have stood a little more story toward the end, like how they started their family, continuing on in their love matching.

"Please, call me John. All my friends do,"

Just when I would start losing myself in the story, there would be something else that would throw it off track. I feel like this was more of a seventh grader's version of a dirty story than an actual erotic tale. It should have either been a story about sex, or a story about falling in love and spending their lives together, but the way it is written tries to accomplish both and does not really fit right.

Better luck next time!

to the 2 anonymous commenters, i would like to know what you thought could use improvement on my story. i would appreciate any tipsor advice u could offer. also, thanks to don87654 and cheesy80s for your advice! i will keep that info in mind for future stories.

I disagree with Cheesy80's, the dialogue was one of the hottest part of the story. Most authors on Lit do a piss poor job with the dialogue, but not Bunny. As for Carlee "sounding like a pornstar" what the hell is wrong with that? I am willing to bet the vast majority of the males on this site would love for their wives or gf's to sound like a pornstar when they are in bed. GREAT job Bunny...Keep up the hot writing. You got a 5 from me.

I loved the way that Carlee, so shy and unsure of herself, became a woman who damn sure knew what she wanted when it came to sex.

Good read.