Across That Line

"No!" she said forcefully. "She wanted Floyd to play with them, not me...and she didn't take off her top, she just opened it up. Some guy with the convention came over and made her do it back up. She went away and we never saw her again, okay? That's all that was."

"Mmmmmmm...uh huh...okay. Ol' Floyd was too busy with you to help Fatty out, I guess, huh? Maybe Fatty should have frenched you like...Ann...did. Maybe she would have gotten a little more from you, huh?" Ashley shook her head violently. She was beginning to get mad.

Brad noticed and was glad. If she got angry enough, she might leave him and this whole marriage thing could be laid to rest. Where he'd been afraid she'd leave him because of earlier arguments, this afternoon he hoped she would.

"I told you," Ashley said determinedly. "I made them both stop with the touching right there inside...and they did...I think them kissing on me was one of the things that made me feel so weird and out of control, honey. I didn't expect to be...attacked like that, you know?"

"Darn...too bad I wasn't there to see you make them stoptouching you," Brad said stoically. "It doesn't explainwhy the hell you let them do it as long as they did...but what the fuck, huh? You were on autopilot and didn't notice...is that about right?" Ashley moaned. She didn't have an answer.

"So...anyway," Brad said quickly. "What next? Y'all were sitting in there yelling at each other and you were having a fine little visit with your old...buddies in the conference room where they were setting up a bar and a band was tuning up...right? I think that's where you left off. So...then what happened?"

Ashley was hurting. Yeah, she'd been wrong to let herself be so distracted she lost control, but she was doing her best to show her husband she was sorry. She began to resent the way he was grilling her.

"You justhave to know every little detail, don't you, Bradley? You really need to treat me this way and make me tell you over and over how sorry I am about everything?" Ashley asked curtly . Her Irish temper was beginning to peek through her regret at how yesterday had gone.

"Well...I think I have a right to know, Ash...don't you?" Brad said in a tone Ashley couldn't decide was actually conciliatory or not. She stared at the man she'd married a year ago.

"Okay...I'll tell you...every little detail...just like you want," she said spitefully. "What do you want to know?"

"Oh, I was just waiting for you to go on," Brad said mildly. He looked at her over the brim of his mug. He waited.

"All right," Ashley said more calmly, "we sat and talked...yelled at each other, as you so kindly pointed out..."

"Was what you said, not me..." Bradley murmured.

"Why, yes...thank you so much for reminding me. We were there yelling at each other and then..."

Ashley's eyes lost their focus for a moment and the stiffness left her face.

"I don't know how to explain it, but I, all of a sudden, I could think again. It was like someone threw a bucket of ice water in my face or something. Suddenly, I could feel...that cheap damn folding chair I was sitting on was missing one of the rubber things on the end of the leg and it was uncomfortable to sit on the seat...and the noise was blaring in my ears and...oh, I don't know. I just kind of woke up...and you weren't there...and I didn't know what to do..."

"Could we back up for just a sec, hun?" Brad asked considerately, cutting into Ashley's recitation. She nodded.

"Something I don't understand is why you locked that big door behind you."

Ashley frowned, apparently not quite understanding. "You keep saying that but I don't know what you're talking about, Brad. We didn't lock anything..." she said without conviction.

"Well...the damned thing was sure as hell locked when I got there, baby," Brad announced. "I guess you never knew...you see...I ran after you trying to catch you or I wouldn't have seen all this. When I got to that fucking door, I pounded on it so hard people thought I was crazy or something."

Brad put his coffee down and held up his fists so his wife could see. The flesh on the underside of his hands where he'd slammed them against the heavy door was puffy and already beginning to turn black and blue. The bruises would be with him for a long time.

Ashley hung her head and her shoulders jerked with the force of her crying.

"I'm so..." she began.

"Sorry...yeah, I know," Brad finished for her. "Still...it happened and my hands hurt...and all the "sorrys" in the world won't make them one damn bit better, will they?

"God, Bradley...I can't explain it," Ashley sobbed. "I wasn't really functioning, then I was awake...like someone threw a switch." She wasn't able to talk for a few minutes.

"It was horrible," she continued when she could. "We went to look for you but we couldn't find you anywhere. I didn't have my cell phone..."

Her voice broke, remembering she hadn't had the phone because she'd walked off and left her purse on the hotel's front desk.

"I...I finally remembered...I figured out I should go up to our room...but then I didn't have akey. I had to talk the desk clerk into giving me another card, but you weren't there and I didn't know where you were."

She stopped for a space. Just looking at her husband was so hard now. Without her anger to support her, she was reduced again to a miserable shame at what had happened.

"When I called you, you sounded so strange," Ashley continued. "It was like you were someone else and I didn't know you...then there was that awful explosion and you weren't there anymore. I couldn't get through to you for a long time and then you wouldn't come back...you didn't even want to talk to me," she said.

Her voice failed her at the last. She could only whisper.

"Is that all, Ash?" Brad asked in a more gentle tone than she expected. She nodded, not trusting herself enough to speak.

Brad looked at her, brooding over what she had said...and what she hadn't said. He saw she was distraught and worried. He didn't think she could fake the concern and shame she showed...but he hadn't thought she could do such humiliating things to him either.

He refilled his mug to delay a few seconds longer and then sat at the table across from Ashley.

"There are a couple of things that aren't right about this, Ash," he said. "Istill don't have a good handle on why a woman who married me...said she loved me and promised she would have nothing to do ever again with this swapping shit...I don't understand how she can throw all those promises away in the blink of an eye and waltz off with strangers."

"No...don't even try, Ash...you already did it. I just can't get my mind around the whole concept of how someone who loves me can dump me so damn fast she runs off an forgets her purse. Do you have any idea how low that makes me feel? Do you have any notion how humiliating it was for me to run after you like a puppy following his master down the hall?" Ashley stared at him. Tears began to roll down her cheeks.

"Ashley," Brad said earnestly, "do you have any clue what it's like to call out to the one you love...and who should loveyou...and she doesn't hear...she just keeps on walking? Do you?"

Ashley couldn't see his hands. It was taking all of his willpower to keep them in his lap to avoid balling up his fist and shaking it in her face.

"I think you know how much it hurt for me to watch them with their hands all over you," Brad continued after a moment. "You told me what you were feeling...or not feeling or something like that...I don't understand it. You see...I can't imagine how you couldnot be in control of yourself...but there it is. I'm not sure I'llever feel any better about that, but...who knows?" He watched his wife cry for a long moment. There was a lump in his throat that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he swallowed.

"The thing that is really killing me," he said when he had control again, "is...I don't know how to say it...it's like you deserted me at the snap of a finger...you said you didn't even think about what you were doing. I thought we had a...what do you want to call it...a deep commitment to each other?

"But you left it behind and walked away without any consideration for me at all. Thathurts, Ashley. Right now, I've got a big ache right in the pit of my stomach and an empty place in me where I used to have all this trust in you...you killed that and I don't know if I'll ever get it back."

Ashley continued to cry. She wished she could curl up somewhere and die.

"I'm soooo sorry, honey," Ashley finally choked out. All I wanted was a weekend alone with you where we didn't have to worry about the kids and everything. I thought it would be so romantic and I could just love you the whole time...and it blew up right in my face, darling...it just blew up."

After a moment's silence, Brad cleared his throat.

"So...I don't know, Ash," Brad said. "I don't know where we go to from here...and I don't know how we get there." He let the words lay there for a time.

"But...Ido know we can't do anything if you're going to keep on lying to me," he said harshly.

"Huh uh...don't do it...youare still lying," he said quickly when she would have protested.

"Oh, I don't know if you're telling me the truth about what was going on in your head or whether anything was going on like you told me...I don't know if I can trust you after you cut the ground out from under my feet like that...but I can'tprove anything I didn't see."

"But I can see this. I know three lies you've told me...one on the drive up to Dallas and two more outright lies sitting right here in our kitchen."

"First," he said, plowing on. He held up the forefinger on his right hand to keep count. "First...you said you hadn't had any time to tell me about the convention being held in that hotel...and that's a lie, isn't it, Ashley?" She bit her lip and nodded.

"Well, I'm glad you can admit it," Brad remarked unsympathetically. "Maybe it's a good thing...I don't know. Ido know the hotel called you on Monday because I rewound the messages on the machine. It didn't happen just before we left like you led me to believe. If you'd intended to tell me, you had plenty of time over those three days, Ashley!

"Dammit, don't you think I should be entitled to a vote in something like that?" he asked. His finger trembled in the air from his anger.

"You need to know this," he said when his pulse dropped a little. "I'm tired of being a second class partner in this marriage. I'm tired of taking the short end of the stick all the time and I'm not going to put up with it anymore."

He took a deep breath.

"Second, you told me you didn't have a clue there would be anyone up there you knew from you and your ex-damn-husband's wife swapping, fuck...parties. And third, you told me you wanted to spend a romantic weekend with me. That's what we started talking about a couple months ago, Ashley...but you changed it."

"Don'tsay it, Ashley...don't say aword..." he warned her. He was holding three fingers up in the air.

"Ash," he said leaning over the table to emphasize his words, "there isn't a damned thing romantic about an orgy...and that's what those people were going to do...what theyare doing right this minute. You've been lying to me for three days about what you wanted out of this trip and that hurts.

"And when you said you didn't think you'd run into anyone you knew, you lied again, Ash. You and your hubby fucked with...hell, I don't even know how many slime balls here in San Antonio. I don't want to know. But Dallas is still in Texas and so are we.

"You knew damned good and well when you heard about the convention it would...I'm sure itdid...draw a crowd from our own fair city. There werebound to be a lot of people from here up at that group fuck...and you were looking for them.

"I watched you in the parking lot, Ash. You were practically standing on your tiptoes to look over all the cars and staring at people tofind someone you knew...someone who could take you out of your boring life with that fool of a husband you got married to," he said bitterly.

"You found what you were looking for, Ash. Now...I'm pretty sure old Floyd and Ann weren't who youwanted to be there. You wanted to find someone else you knew and you would have found more folks there if you'd stayed longer. You know...the only thing I only wonder about now is who it was you figured on being at that convention.

"What's his name, Ashley?" Brad asked her, his voice low and angry.

He watched her sob for a little while. She was shaking her head no, but he didn't believe her. He couldn't reach out to console her, though it hurt him to watch her cry so inconsolably. His own pain was still too fresh...too powerful.

"I...I'm going to go work on the girls' dollhouse," he said when he could stand it no more. He stood. He wanted, but couldn't reach down to touch her shoulder. Turning, he marched out the door and into the garage.

Chapter 3

Saturday was no better than Friday for the couple who'd been married only a year and a few days. They didn't try to avoid each other, but neither did they seek each other out. They spoke politely to each other, discussing inconsequential topics, but the passion between them was dead.

Sunday flowed into Monday and the weekly work schedule reasserted itself. Brad slept on the living room sofa more often than not. Ashley slept in a cold bed upstairs with the door closed so no one would hear her cry.

Brad worked a lot of hours overtime, even when he could have chosen not to. He came home after the supper table had been cleared only to be with Cathy and Cindy for a while before they had to go to bed. He was not eating well and was loosing weight but he told himself this was a good thing. He got too little exercise and could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Ashley went to work, picked up her babies from the daycare, cooked dinners and cleaned house. Beyond that, she spent much time staring blankly into space. Playing old favorite CDs no longer consoled her and no book she picked up held her interest.

The first week passed, then a second...and a third. The children were quieter and better behaved. They couldn't comprehend what exactly had happened to their world, but they could sense its impact. Brad and Ashley lavished affection and care on the two little girls, but shared none between themselves.

*

# #

Cathy and Cindy were watching the latest cartoon adventure out on DVD. They and their new daddy had picked it up just today and they paid the TV screen their whole attention as they watched the images dance and cavort on the screen.

Brad was less interested in watching the cartoon than he was in watching the two happy children. Three-year-old Cindy could barely follow what was going on but she loved the color and the action. Her sister Cathy was all of four-years-old and Cindy's idol. Cathy understood more of the storyline, but not that much more. Still, she pointed out many things to her younger sister she thought were important or interesting. The half-sisters were close. They held hands more often than not. They were tonight.

Their stepfather loved them. He couldn't imagine any father loving his children more. In the two years he'd known them, they'd slipped inside his guard and claimed his heart. He couldn't imagine living without them, but he was afraid there wouldn't be very many more evenings like this. The hurt wasn't going away. It wasn't even fading as most things did with a little time.

When Ashley came into the room and sat beside him, Brad looked up and her and nodded civilly. He didn't smile and he didn't reach out for her, as he would have a month ago. Ashley sat a few inches from him, careful not to touch him lest he move further away from her. It had happened more than once over the past few weeks.

"I have to tell you some things," Ashley said after a while. She didn't look at her husband but she could sense a sudden tension in him. He didn't reply but he inclined his head to listen.

"I...I called Ann and Floyd today," she said quietly. Brad said nothing, but the foot he'd propped up on the ottoman slipped to the floor. He leaned forward...hardly more than a tiny shift of his weight...but he was ready to stand.

"I told them I never wanted to see or hear from them ever again," Ashley said. She left the simple statement hang in the air for a moment. Brad's body relaxed slightly and he settled back into the overstuffed cushions.

"They apologized for what they did," she continued. "They said they stepped over the line and hated what they'd done. Floyd said they hated what their...irresponsibility...had done to us. He said it was unforgivable and he understood why I wouldn't ever talk to them again."

"He's right," Brad whispered, not wanting to disturb the two young girls enjoying the cartoon. "Itis unforgivable."

"He apologized, Brad," Ashley murmured. "They're about as miserable as we are."

"Good," Brad said a little louder than he intended.

The girls turned to see what was going on but Brad only gestured at the TV and smiled. Cindy and Cathy smiled back. Children don't expect to comprehend everything their parents say or do...his remark disappeared into the bottomless pit of such incidents they couldn't understand. In scant seconds, the DVD was again their sole focus.

"They're responsible...partly...for what went on that day," Brad said at a more moderate volume. Ashley winced. She knew who her husband held responsible for the rest of what had happened at the hotel.

"I know," Ashley said softly. She took a deep breath.

"I've done a lot of thinking," she began slowly. "I thought about what you said about lying to you. I talked to Mom too."

"Okay," Brad said noncommittally.

"I told Mom a little about what had happened," Ashley said with a sigh. "Not the...you know...swinging stuff, but about walking off with two friends and stuff." She took a deep breath.

"Mom wanted to take a baseball bat to me," Ashley said softly. "She said she'd think better of me if I went around kicking little puppies across the house and smashing kid's toys in front of them than to have...deserted...you like that." She waited for her husband to say something.

"Ash, I don't know why you're telling me this," he said finally. "If you think I need some kind of validation for the way I feel about what happened...I don't."

"No, no," Ashley said hastily. "I was just saying she was one more person who wanted me to start thinking about what the heck I've been doing, okay?" After a moment, Brad nodded.

"Okay," Brad repeated. His tone said he neither agreed nor disagreed.

"Anyway...I did lie to you about the reservation and stuff by not telling you when I found out...and I guess I lied about the reasons I still wanted to go up there too," Ashley said in a defeated voice. "I knew I had to tell you about the convention, but I kept putting it off. I told myself there was plenty of time and I never once thought about why I was delaying." She sighed.

"I've spent a lot of time by myself lately," she said carefully, "and that makes you look pretty close at yourself. You don't get to make excuses when it's just you talking inside your head," she added.

Brad turned away from the children and the TV for the first time.

"Introspection..." He stopped to clear his voice and start over. "Taking a good look at yourself is a good thing to do sometimes," he said quietly. "Anyway, what did you decide about the "excuses" you made to yourself?"

Ashley dropped her eyes to her hands clamped tightly together in her lap. "I was putting off telling you because I was pretty sure you wouldn't want to go...that you'd want to get the hotel to move us to another place.