Adam

She stormed out of the room and we heard the door slam as she left the house. Grant was pale and I was shaking, fighting tears. I sat down on the bed, my head in my hands.

"I'm SO sorry, Grant. I should never have come over here, this is all my fault. I'm the one that's responsible for this, I knew you were married and somehow I knew we were going to end up in bed together. I'm SO sorry," I managed to croak out.

He didn't say anything and looked like he was in shock. There was total silence for several minutes and then I had a terrifying thought. Grant's marriage was over, his way of life ruined, and he was a proud man. I had a horrifying vision of him committing suicide with one of his shotguns. I knew I couldn't leave without some sort of resolution because I felt totally responsible.

"Grant," I said hoarsely, "please talk to me. I'll do anything you want but just talk to me."

I hadn't cried since I was eleven when I broke my arm but it was all I could do not to burst into sobs, tears of chilling fear for what might happen to Grant, to him, not me. I held it together because I knew if one tear escaped my wet eyes a floodgate would follow. In his present state Grant didn't need a weak weeping queer adding to his problems.

I steeled myself but Grant was perceptive enough to see that my distress was at least equal to his own, maybe more because of my fear for him. I knew that my life as I knew it was over but somehow I would be able to deal with it as long as I knew he would be okay. Grant came over to me and stood with his hand on my shoulder. I pressed my face to his warm thigh and although there were no tears I could not control my shaking.

"Shhh, it's going to be okay, Chris. You'll survive this."

"Oh, Grant, you wouldn't do something stupid would you? Not something awful like shoot yourself would you? I couldn't live with myself if you did. If you're going to commit suicide you need to kill me first."

My voice was cracking and he sat down beside me, hugging me to him, and I buried my face in his neck. I felt him kissing my hair as he rubbed my back.

"It's going to be okay, Chris, I promise you I'm not planning anything stupid, I swear it."

"You swear you won't kill yourself?"

He took my face in his hands and kissed me softly.

"Listen to me, this had to happen sometime. It's been over between me and Cherie for a long time now. We were just going through the motions and she's accused me of being gay several times. I got to the point where I just stopped denying it to her."

"She KNOWS?"

"I stopped denying it to her but I never acknowledged it either. Anyway, she's been fucking Don Jackson for at least two years that I know of."

"The Baptist minister??? But he's married and he's got five kids."

"Their being married was the perfect cover for them even though I'm surprised his wife hasn't caught on yet. Of course, Marie might know and they could just be going through the motions too."

"Where will you go, Grant, where will we both go?"

"Well, I'M not going anywhere for the time being. A few months ago I had a private detective get pictures of Cherie and Don fucking at a motel in Atlanta. I plan to leave, it's been my plan for a few months now. I bought this house and I'll leave when I'm goddamn good and ready. That or I'll make those pictures public. Cherie can go to hell if she doesn't like it."

Grant was more in control of the situation than I'd thought. He ruffled my hair and grinned.

"It's touching that you blame yourself for all of this but you've got it ass backwards, Chris. I'm thirty-five and I knew exactly what I was doing. Why do you think I wore those blue jean shorts with no underwear and the tightest tee shirt I own?" he laughed softly.

I slapped his ass hard and we both laughed, two men laughing as Rome burned.

"You see, I didn't give you a chance, babe. I've wanted you for two years and I decided that I was going to have you as soon as you were no longer officially my student. I didn't expect Cherie to ruin the moment but I'd planned to ask you if you want to move to Boston with me and work with Ronnie MacPherson. We could live together openly."

"I see," I teased. "You've got our lives planned out, huh? You took an awful lot for granted, didn't you?"

"I knew when I saw you salivating over my peter in the restroom that you were mine. You want me as much as I want you," he smiled.

Grant had been planning this all along and it was as if the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I knew unquestionably that my answer was yes and damn the consequences. I still was in love with Adam, he would always be my first love but he'd rejected me, made a fool of me, and that door was permanently closed. Grant wanted me and I wanted him. Our start was rocky but it seemed that we had no alternatives at that point. We needed to make the best of the situation.

"Buck up, Chris. Keep focused on the future and deal with the present as best you can. Think where we'll be in three months."

"You make it seem so simple, Grant. My father's going to kill me."

"No he won't and anyway, it's time you break the apron strings. Fuck him, fuck 'em all. You're with me now and I'M going to take care of my man."

Some of the events that followed were as I expected, others were surprising, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

My father kicked me out of the house and barely gave me time to pack my stuff in my car. I called Adam's father to resign and went to get my last check. Bad news travels fast because he didn't seem surprised. As I walked into his office I passed Adam with two other workers standing at the secretary's desk. Adam's face was scornful.

"I think I always knew you were a queer, Chris. You were always staring at my body," he sneered.

The others laughed.

"If you always knew it Adam why were you such a good friend to me? Why did you spend the night with me so many times?"

My voice was hostile and Adam blushed.

"Jenny, give the faggot his fucking check so he can get the fucking hell out of here."

That was the last memory I had of my hometown. I went to Boston with a letter of recommendation from Grant and started working with Ronnie MacPherson in one of the most prestigious woodworking businesses in the country. A disappointment or not to my family, I was damn good making fine cabinets.

Grant exposed his wife's affair with the Baptist minister causing a scandal that deflected our own. The minister lost his church and his wife. Three months after the incident Grant received his divorce, half of everything from his marriage, and moved in with me in Boston. I'd like to say we had a happy ending but we didn't. It turned out that Grant and Ronnie had a history together and they moved in together a few months after he got to Boston.

The breakup hurt me but I guess I'd suspected something from the beginning so I survived. After Grant left me I quit Ronnie's store and took a job at a local hospital. I'd made several elaborate pieces of furniture that won awards and netted me a total of sixteen thousand dollars on top of my regular salary. I took that nest egg and entered nursing school ultimately completing a Master's degree and becoming an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner.

While working at the hospital I fell in love with a neurosurgeon and we lived together for eight years until he was killed in a car accident in June. I was his only heir and he'd left me everything, over four million dollars, the house, the cars, our Chihuahua, and a broken heart. Bruce had been rich but he loved being a doctor and would never have given it up. Suddenly I was rich and I felt the same way about my nursing career.

I was completely devastated and threw myself into my work to survive because I couldn't bear to be at home without him. I was lost in my work and totally oblivious of the world outside the little city that is a hospital. Then my sister Joan called me at Thanksgiving to extend an olive branch and invite me home for Christmas.

It was eight o'clock at night when the phone rang.

"Chris, is that you?"

"Who's this?"

"Joan."

"I haven't heard from you in over ten years. Why now?"

"Dad died..."

"If that's the only reason you called, goodbye."

"WAIT, Chris! He died in August and it's taken Mom this long to get herself together without his controls. She asked me to see if I could locate you and ask you to come home for Christmas."

I was quiet so long she thought I'd hung on her.

"Joan, what's the point? I'm still a queer and I'm not going to change for her or anyone else."

I was angry, bitter, and defensive and it was all in my voice. Joan ignored it.

"She knows that, Chris, and I don't think she cares about that anymore. All she talks about is how she didn't stand up for her baby and how ashamed she is. She really needs to see you, Chris."

"Is she dying?"

"Oh, god, I hope not. No, Mom's actually turning into a real person now that she's not under Dad's thumb. She'd never say it herself but I think Dad dying was the best thing that ever happened to her."

"It's the best thing that ever happened to any of us. Period."

"Oh, Chris, you never forgave him, did you?" Joan laughed.

I enjoyed hearing her laugh. I'd missed her voice and her irreverence, I'd missed the older sister I'd been so close to throughout my childhood.

"I worked very hard to wipe him out of my life entirely, Sis. I spent three years in therapy doing it and I think it worked. I haven't thought of any of you in the last four years."

"Well, let's just be a real bitch about it, shall we? I've missed you, too."

I laughed.

"Okay, so I've thought about you since you've forced me to admit it."

"Look, let me just get this out of the way. You were treated like shit, none of us had the balls to stand up to the monster, and now that he's dead we want to mend fences."

"He's been dead four damn months. It took you that long to grow some balls?"

"Yeah, I guess so since you put it that way. So fucking shoot us all, why don't you? Mom's heart's set on you coming for Christmas, Chris, so are you coming?"

"SHE wants me to come for Christmas. What about Josh and Troy? And you?"

"We all want you to come."

"Bullshit. I'd bet you money that Josh will shit a brick when he finds out you called me."

"Chris, I don't..."

"Give it a rest, Joan. Dad was worth a couple of million, right? And the bastard left me out of the will which is why you didn't call me when he died. Mom and you three got it all and you're all scared I'll contest the will. Like I said, Josh will shit a brick and go berserk when he finds out you called me. He doesn't know, does he?"

"He and Troy are so busy since they took over the law firm..."

"Let me correct my earlier statement. You and MOM are the only ones who know you're calling me, right?"

"Chris, it'll all be okay," she whined. "You really wouldn't challenge Dad's will, would you?"

"If I say yes I'll bet the Christmas invitation is withdrawn."

"Mom doesn't care. She was pissed as hell when Dad left you out."

"Not so pissed that she gave me my share."

"CHRIS! Quit being so fucking difficult. Are you coming or not?"

"Just so you know, Sis, I don't give a fuck about Dad's money, I don't want a goddamn cent of it, and I just might come."

"You will?"

I could tell she was pleased.

"I was planning to go to Disney World during December, go to all those theme parks in Orlando, and then take a Caribbean cruise. I guess I can stop by and say hello. If all goes well, I'll stay awhile; if not, while you're freezing your ass off I'll be getting a tan in Aruba."

She burst out laughing.

"Chris, you don't know how much I've missed that catty ass of yours. So can I tell Mom that you're coming? Or, better yet, why don't you call her and tell her yourself?"

"Tell Mom that I'll come and see how it goes. And no, you tell her, I'm not calling her. She can wait like I've waited for ten fucking years."

"Well, if that's how you want to be about it...," she snickered.

"And you can tell Josh that I'm consulting with my attorneys and depending on how that goes I might be home for Christmas and bring some paperwork with me."

"He'll die before you get here if I tell him that."

"That's what I'm hoping."

We both broke up laughing.

"So tell me, Joan? How exactly DID you find me? I'm not listed in the phone book and I don't keep in contact with anyone down there."

"Tommy Singleton. He took a job in Boston and he ended up in the emergency room with food poisoning. That's where he met you and that's how we found out you're a nurse now. What happened to making furniture?"

Of course. Tommy and I had gone all through school together and he'd moved to Boston to work at the corporate home office of his employer. He'd ended up in the ER and while taking care of him he told me he was gay and deep in the closet. He said when he was offered a job in the home office he took it, figuring if Boston was okay for me that it would be okay for him.

"Right. Tommy came into the ER and then he spent a few days in the hospital. I invited him over to the house to watch a football game and have supper. That was almost a year ago and you've just gotten around to calling me?"

"Yeah, well what can I say? Anyway, he told him Mom you live in a nice big house with a rich doctor, a neurosurgeon. Dad nearly had a stroke over it."

"Oh, yeah? Screw him, it's too bad he didn't. That would've been wonderful to know, that he keeled over when he found out I was happy with another man."

"So what happened to Grant, if you don't mind my asking?"

"A long story."

"I guess you and your doctor friend were planning to take that cruise together...?"

"If that's your way of asking if I'll be bringing him home with me the answer's no. Bruce got killed in a car accident in June."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Chris."

"No, you're not. You're fucking relieved that your faggot brother won't be trying to bring his faggot lover home with him."

"You're never going to believe me, Chris, but I really always hoped that you and Grant were happy together and that you were loved."

I could almost believe her.

"Well, Grant was never meant to be but Bruce was the most wonderful man I've ever known in my life. He loved me and he made me happy every day. So if you really hoped I was loved then rest easy. I was loved by Bruce more than I ever was by anyone else."

"I'm glad for you," she said softly. "You've fared better than most."

"Except I lost him to a drunk driver. So I won't be bringing a gay lover but do you think Mom could handle me bringing my Chihuahua Angel? He's fully house broken and I don't go want to leave him with my neighbor at Christmas."

"You were going to take him to Disney World?" Joan teased.

"No, I was going to leave him with my neighbor. He's got a female Chihuahua and he wants to breed them but Bitsey can just wait. Can I bring Angel or not?"

"So I guess you're planning to stay all through Christmas after all."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Joan, I'm sure they have vets that board pets in Orlando. NOW who's being bitchy? Can I bring my goddamn dog or not? If I can't, you can all go to hell."

"Keep your shirt on, Chris, I can see you've still got a short fuse. I think Mom can handle Angel. She always wanted a little dog but Dad wouldn't hear of it."

"Do you realize how much that bastard ruined in our lives? Please tell me the goddamn town hasn't erected a fucking statue to him."

Joan giggled. "No, but they put a stained glass window in the Episcopal church."

"I'll be sure to throw a rock through it before I leave."

"So, IF you're coming, when might we expect you?"

"Well, IF I come it would be around the first week of December. I've been granted six week's leave by the hospital."

"Damn, that's a nice long vacation time. You must have good benefits."

"They owe me the leave, in fact they're begging me to leave. I've worked sixty to eighty hours in the ER every week since Bruce died because I just couldn't stand being at the house by myself. The hospital administrator practically threatened my supervisor if I didn't take some time off so I asked for six weeks."

"Oh, Chris, I really hate that you've suffered so much. If it makes you feel any better I've gotten gray hair worrying about you."

"Bullshit," I laughed. "Dad was getting gray hair when he was twenty. It runs in the family."

"So have you got gray hair? Josh is almost bald and what little has left is gray as a goose," she giggled.

"I like that, Josh bald and gray headed. He always was an old fogie with his head up Dad's ass. And no, I take after Mom's side of the family. I've got so much hair I can't see my scalp, just like always. And no gray."

"That'll frost Josh's buns, Troy's, too. He's got thick hair like yours but he's totally gray headed."

"And neither one of them's forty yet. There IS a god."

"Okay, Chris, the first week of December is only a few days away so I guess I'll be seeing you then. I need to go because my little boy Davy is starting to get antsy."

"I won't give you any specifics, Joan. Plan for me to be there and let's just let this be a surprise for Mom. You'd better be right about her wanting me to come."

"I am but what the hell? Like you said, there's always Disney World and Aruba."

The time passed quickly but then it usually does for someone who works in the ER.

It was a strange feeling driving into my hometown after having been away for over ten years. The Christmas lights and tinsel were everywhere, on the light poles, storefronts, signs, and almost every front lawn had some sort of display. I felt like I was driving into a magical Christmas world, a place where everyone knows your name and your family. Even though leaving had been bitter I'd never lost my love of my hometown.

I was totally stressed out by the time I got into town and was relieved when I saw The Bookshop Café, a business that had not been there when I left. It was a nice place, bright and inviting with cheerful Christmas decorations. Virtually on autopilot, I pulled into the parking lot and steeled myself to run into people from my past as I entered. I needed some fortification before I drove the last mile or so to my home, scratch that, my former home.

"Welcome to The Bookshop Café, sir! What can I get you today? We've just made fresh eggnog and it's delicious."

The girl behind the counter was a pretty blonde who looked like she might be around sixteen. Her smile was infectious, the perfect person for this job. I walked up to the counter and looked at the menu on the wall behind her.

"I think I'll take you up on that eggnog," I smiled.

She looked like she would have been devastated if I'd chosen something else. As I glanced around the store I thought that there was at least one place that I could escape to if things got too tense at home.

"Take a seat at any free table, sir, and I'll bring it out to you. Would you like some pie or cookies to go with it?"

"No thanks."

As I looked at the tables I thought I recognized a familiar face so I made sure that I sat at a table with my back to him.

"I'm Darla, sir, and just call me if there's anything else you'd like."

Darla had brought me the eggnog and two Christmas cookies that I didn't order.

"I didn't order a cookie."

She winked at me.

"I know but I've got to make a fresh batch in a few minutes and no one will eat the older batch after I do," she whispered. "You look like you could use a snack."

"Just how old is the older batch?" I grinned.

"Oh, I made them about three hours ago," she laughed. "If you like it I can bring you more. I'm betting you'll love them because they're white chocolate macadamia nut."

"Thanks, Darla, they sound great."

Already I felt better. The hardest thing I had to get used to in Boston was the big city lack of personal interest in people. It was far worse than Atlanta and I told myself it was because of the cultural differences of Northerners and Southerners. I grew up used to having every store clerk or waitress ask me how my family was doing and it just didn't seem as friendly in Boston. Bruce always told me that I was nuts.