Adam

"And more?"

"Yes, damn it. Chris, don't play dense here with me. I wanted to suck your dick and have you suck mine. I wanted to fuck you but I just couldn't deal with it, I wanted everything two men can do together but couldn't deal with gay feelings for you."

"Why don't we just get graphic here?" I laughed. "This must have been rough on your marriages."

"Don't' make fun of my feelings, Chris. And yes, it was hard on my marriages, believe me it was. Sometimes the only way I could get it up with my wives was to pretend it was your ass I was fucking instead of their pussies."

"Oh god, Adam, how can you have had such intense feelings about me, about the two of us, and yet you never tried to contact me? You didn't even know if I was in a relationship. And even though I was I still would have liked to know that your feelings had changed. I spent ten years angry and depressed about how you treated me. I don't think I've ever really gotten over it; maybe I've gotten over how everyone else acted but not you."

"YOU never got over it, Chris? I've lived in a hell of my own making for the last ten years knowing what I did to you. At first I could handle it but the more time that went by the worse it got, particularly after the divorces."

"If that how you felt, why did you marry twice? You were even going to marry a third time. It seems like once would have been enough to know you're gay and even if you didn't want to tell anyone about it at least you knew better than to marry and ruin your wife's life too."

"You're not telling me anything I haven't beaten myself up about for years. All I can say is that it's the oldest gay dilemma of all. You tell yourself that if you marry and fuck a woman that you'll be normal. I screwed up. Big time."

"You do understand why I might be a little skeptical here, don't you? God only knows how many so called straight guys decide they're gay and then when everyone rejects them they suddenly decide they made a mistake, they were wrong. It's always the gay guy's fault for seducing them, the devil made them do it, alcohol, drugs, whatever the fuck, anything to get back to the safety of being straight."

"I promise you I'll never do that."

"And just how many people here know you're gay? Just exactly what ARE you willing to do? Sneak around, let everyone think we're good friends? Joke about it to David and everyone else if they suspect we're queers? I'm not clear on what it is you want here."

"Okay, then I'll make it clear. You want everything clear? Well, here it is. I love you and I've loved you my whole life. The last ten years have been fucking miserable for me. I married two women trying to squash my true sexuality and I've been through hell. You're a widow now and before you find another man I want you to know I want you and I want you to give me a chance."

"Widower, not widow. Women are widows. And I wasn't married to Bruce."

"Don't fucking play with me, Chris."

Adam suddenly moved over to my end of the couch and grabbed me in his arms. Before I could say no his lips were on mine and he forced his tongue in my mouth. I was powerless to resist him, Adam was my first love. I don't know how long we kissed but I gently pushed him away when his kisses moved down my neck and he began to grope my crotch.

"What brought that on?"

He pointed to the ceiling.

"We're under mistletoe and I just couldn't resist taking advantage of it," he grinned.

"You took advantage all right."

"Are you rejecting me, Chris? I know you want me, I could tell it in your kiss."

"I'm not rejecting you, Adam, it's just that I'm not going to bed with you on the first date as trite as that sounds. I'm not going to fuck you just because you want me right now. You're going to have to take it slow and court me, woo me, or whatever they call it these days. Then if things work out we'll talk about taking to the next level."

"Damn, Chris, I feel like I'm going to cum in my pants."

"Don't give me that blue balls shit and don't talk to me like that. I'll bet you didn't talk like that to the women you married when you dated them."

"No, but they were women, Chris. Don't bust my balls here."

"It's no different as far as I'm concerned. Bruce brought me flowers and treated me like a gentleman. We went out on dates, he introduced me as his boyfriend, and we didn't have sex for over two months after we met. And by that time I was totally in love with him and the first time was better than I could have ever dreamed."

Adam looked crushed.

"Two months? Are you playing with me here? I don't think I can wait that long, I've waited ten years and having you so near to me, here in this room, just in the same town, is driving me crazy. Or is what you're really saying is that I don't have a chance?"

"Now who's being dense here? Adam Cochise, you were my first love and you goddamn well know it. I worshipped the ground you walked on and you stepped all over me. I've never really stopped loving you but I'm not going to just fall into your bed because you suddenly snap your fingers now you've decided you want me."

"I was your first love? You worshipped the ground I walk on?" he grinned. "Oh my god, Chris, why didn't you just knock me in the head and tell me all of this when we were teenagers?"

He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek.

"Duh, because you would have killed me and my father would have thrown me out, probably sent me to juvie."

"No, I wouldn't have killed you, I would have fucked you senseless. Chris, you just don't seem to know how goddamn macho you are. You're like Clint Eastwood on steroids, dude, and you've got the shoe on the wrong foot. It was ME that was afraid to let YOU know how I felt."

"Oh, really?" I asked sarcastically. "I suppose that's why you made a goddamn fool out of me when you told David I was queer for your body."

"Hey, I was stupid and I made a fucking mistake. So kill me for it. My brother never thought anything of it and you know it. David just thought we were joking around like guys always do and he didn't give a shit. In fact, after you left we sat down and watched the same porno that you and I jacked off to. He lectured me about you and me needing to use condoms when we fucked girls."

"And you didn't think to tell me about this because...? You fucking humiliated me, Adam, and you never apologized. And then you went ten goddamn years knowing how much you hurt me, KNOWING you could have given me peace of mine and you didn't do a goddamn motherfucking thing about it."

He took my hand and kissed it, then turned it over and kissed the palm.

"I'm so sorry, Chris. I keep saying that and don't forget that I'm going to have to tell David and Mom about us and while they won't be assholes like your father, I'm going to walk over coals with them."

"Excuse me if I'm not fucking sympathetic. I seem to recall my father throwing fucking stuff of mine on the front lawn and he did everything but escort me out of the house with a shotgun. And all of this while the entire goddamn neighborhood was watching. Don't give me a sob story about choosing to tell your family in your own good time."

"You listen to me, Chris!" he yelled. "I fucking LOVE you and I'll scream it down Main Street on Christmas day if it'll make you happy!"

"It would."

We both burst out laughing.

"You're not going to make me do that, are you? I will if I have to but I'd prefer not to upset those little blue haired ladies who are my best customers."

I took his hand in mine and kissed it gently.

"I'd never make you do that, Adam, you should know that. I've never been the gay parade, rainbow flag, feather boa type of man. The fact is that I don't define my life by what I do in my bedroom. But if someone asks me if I'm gay I don't deny it, I don't give a damn if it's the pope. Can you live like that?"

"I will, I swear I will," he swallowed hard. "I'm not letting you get away from me this time and I'll do whatever I have to do to keep you."

I believed him, I could hear the desperation and love in his voice, see it in his eyes, and I took his face in my hands and gave him a long, deep kiss. When we stopped he looked at me and smiled.

"You said I was your first love, Chris, and I'll tell you now that you were mine. Hell, you've been my only love because I never really loved any of those women. I should be ashamed to say it but they were never anything more an attempt to let the world know I was straight and to get over losing you. But what I want to know now is do you still love me? If not, can you learn to love me again?"

"I never stopped loving you, Adam, it's just that for a long time I just hated your guts at the same time I loved you. Part of me still wants to take a stick and beat the fuck out of you."

"How about a belt?" he grinned. "I'd be willing to let you whip my naked ass a little bit, at least until I blow my load in your lap."

"Don't make that offer, dude, unless you mean it. Right about now I'd like nothing better than to whip your ass for all the years I hurt over you."

"Really? I guess I can let you get in a few licks."

Adam leaned over and licked my face. He nibbled my ear lobe and slipped his hand under my shirt. I kissed him and stood up.

"I think I need to go. You made a fantastic supper, Adam. I'll have to do a thousand sit-ups before I go to bed tonight."

"I can think of better ways to work off calories."

"I'll just bet you can and so can I which is why I need to go."

He stood up and wrapped his arms around me.

"So why go? I want you and you want me. What else is there?"

"Oh, this rule I have about never again having sex on the first date."

"So how many more dates?"

"We'll see." I kissed his lips and grinned. "Don't forget what I said about courting me."

He laughed and I left before my resolve was gone. I wanted him so bad my loins were churning and I was praying I didn't have a wet spot from my precum.

I didn't hear from Adam for a week and it took everything in me not to go to the Bookshop Café or to call him. I was determined not to fall into a trap again. I hadn't told Adam about the relationship I'd had with a married man after Grant and before Bruce. It was that relationship that hardened me toward men who are straight in the eyes of the world.

His name was Clint and I fell head over heels in love with him. He was a physical therapist at the hospital and a total Adonis. He wanted to keep our relationship a secret because he was afraid it would affect his work if male patients found out he was gay. I went along with it, slipping around, meeting in out of the way places, and he'd spend the night at my apartment a few nights a week. Then two things happened in rapid succession.

A good looking man around forty came in to the ER complaining of chest pains. Clint came in about then to take me to lunch. The patient smiled and called to Clint, telling him that if he had to die at least it would be looking at him. The look on Clint's face as he looked at me, red-faced and embarrassed, told me everything.

The doctor came in and we wheeled the patient into an exam room, saving Clint from my breaking his nose. Clint came over to the apartment that night pleading with me to believe that he'd had an affair with the man before he met me. According to Clint, the man never could accept their relationship was over. Naturally, we fell into bed and Clint fucked any misgivings I might have had right out my head.

A week or so later I walked to a Wendy's near the hospital to take a late lunch break. Several patients had been brought in from a multiple car crash and when the ER finally calmed down I was exhausted and starving. My supervisor sent me to a long lunch and as I was sitting over in a corner Clint came in with a woman and two kids under six. One of the kids called him daddy and in that instant I saw the wedding ring on his hand.

I stood up and walked out, looking him in the eye. When he came to the apartment that night I broke his nose. There ends the tale of Clint. I was crushed and it was why it took two months for Bruce to get me in bed. Adam had his work cut out for him.

The Sunday afternoon of the week following my supper at Adam's the doorbell rang. I was in the den watching football and I heard Mom open the door.

"Adam, how nice to see you! The roses are beautiful."

"They're for Chris. I've come to court him because I love him."

"You love him???!!!"

I could tell Mom was stunned.

"Yes, ma'am, I'm here to court your son Chris because I love him and I guess I always have. I made a mistake before and I can't let him go back to Boston. I don't want him to find another man because I know I'm the one for him. He knows it too."

"How nice, Adam, he's in the den."

Mom sounded like she was in shell shock.

I sat on the couch in shock myself. As she came in the door Mom was smiling.

"You have a gentleman caller, Chris."

Adam was standing behind Mom with roses and a gift wrapped box.

"How did you know red roses are my favorite?"

"I just took a chance," he grinned. "I didn't know if a macho guy like you would want to whip me with them or just put them in water."

"I think water. You can like flowers no matter whether you're male or female, you know. How many roses are here? This bouquet is huge."

"Thirty six. I took all the roses that Lucille had in the shop."

Mom left us alone but in a couple of minutes she was back with a vase filled with water. She took the roses, arranged them in the vase, and put it on the end table. After I calmed Angel down Adam sat on the couch beside me and waited until Mom left before speaking.

"This is for you, too."

He handed me the box with a card.

I opened the card first. It was a romantic card that told me in verse how much he loved me and how desolate his life would be without me.

"It's beautiful, Adam, I love it."

"And I love you," he said softly.

I opened the wrapped box.

"Chocolates! Adam, you really know the way to a guy's heart, don't you?" I laughed.

"I hope I do," he grinned.

"Hey, it worked for the women you dated so it should work for me, too. Right?"

"Is it that obvious?" he blushed.

"I'm just kidding you, Adam. It's all wonderful and it's so nice to know that you're such a gentleman."

We both laughed.

"For the card and all those flowers and chocolates don't you think I deserve at least a little kiss?" he beamed.

I leaned over to him and kissed his lips gently.

"I think we need to leave it at that," I whispered. "I don't think my family is quite ready for me to make out with a man in the den yet."

"We'll have to work on that," he laughed. "I see you've got mistletoe over the door."

"Yeah? Well, we'll have to see if you can catch me as we walk out of the den."

"Are you ready to see if I can?"

"You've just got here. Sit down and eat a few of these chocolates."

"Only if you feed them to me."

"You gave them to me as a love offering. Don't you think you should be feeding them to me?"

"Okay, if that's what would make you happy."

I'd forgotten what a sexy tease Adam could be. He toyed with me often before the scandal, cock teasing me, knowing he wasn't going to give it up to me and knowing that I wanted it. He took a chocolate from the box and licked it before putting it in my mouth, pushing his fingers in my mouth with it.

He did this a couple of times and then he upped the ante. Instead of just licking the chocolate he put it in his mouth and with his eyes dancing mischievously he put his lips over mine. He pushed the chocolate into my mouth with his tongue and I could feel my body tingling. Before I could recover he did it twice again, both times with chocolate covered cherries.

"You know, my cherry was taken a long time ago."

"Yeah, I know. But mine's still intact," he whispered huskily. "I've never had sex with a man before so you'll have to be gentle."

His lips moved to my neck and I knew I was about to let him do whatever he wanted to with me, right there on the couch in the den with my mother in the house. I kissed his forehead and pushed him away.

"I think I'd like a Coke with my chocolate. How about you?"

"Sounds good to me," he grinned.

He knew he had me. I stood up and walked away, thinking he was still sitting on the couch. As I reached the door he grabbed me and suddenly his lips covered mine, his tongue in my mouth with a passionate kiss. He held me tight, refusing to let me move, kissing me until I was dizzy. He moved to my neck and then I felt his teeth as he gave me a gentle bite.

"I'll take that Coke now, darlin'," he laughed softly.

"That'll leave a mark on my neck, you ass."

"I meant for it to because I want everyone to know you're mine."

His grin was that of someone in total control. So much for trying to keep us out of a sexual situation. This was my sexy Apache boy that I'd always loved, with his long blue black hair and dark brown eyes, the one with the perfect muscled body that I'd jacked off fantasizing about for years. Adam knew it, too; the amusement in his eyes told the whole story. He knew how much I wanted him and he was going to keep throwing himself at me until I relented.

My mother was nowhere to be seen when I went to the kitchen for our Cokes. I peeked around the door to the den to make sure he wasn't waiting to pounce on me again but he was sitting on the couch waiting for me, playing with Angel. I handed him his Coke and sat down beside him.

"I know you'd like to drink something else," he whispered.

"What?"

He grabbed my hand and placed it over his crotch. I could feel his erection throbbing through his pants.

"This is what you want," he smiled. "You can't lie to me, it's what you've always wanted."

I blushed and he pushed his crotch into my hand. He put his hand over mine and pushed my hand down, squeezing his hard cock. He forced my hand to grasp it through his pants and masturbate him. I could have fought him but I didn't and he stunned me when his cock suddenly began to throb as he ejaculated in his pants.

He leaned into me, breathing hard, and pressed his lips against my ear.

"You see what you do to me, Chris," he whispered. "If you'd just sucked my cock you could've gotten my juice straight from the source. Now I need to go home and change my clothes."

He stood up and pressed his crotch into my face. I could smell his fresh semen. I sucked the wet spot on his pants and tasted his hot cum.

"You're the sexiest Apache boy alive, Adam," I whispered, my voice like gravel.

"I know," he grinned. "Why don't you come by the café tomorrow?"

He leaned down and kissed me gently.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

He turned to leave and I stood up.

"No, stay and eat your chocolate and think about sucking on my candy cane."

I stood there dazed as I heard the door closed behind him. That sexy bastard, I thought, he knows he's got me wrapped around his goddamn little finger again.

It started sleeting in the middle of the night and the next morning everything was iced over. I called the Bookshop Café and got a phone message that it was closed. I called Adam's cell phone and his mother answered.

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Cochise, I was expecting Adam to answer."

"He's outside bringing in some wood from the back porch. He's staying here with me and I answered his phone just to take a message."

"Is everything okay at your house? We're basically shut in here. Thank God there's wood because the electricity has gone out twice."

"It's the same here. First we get a snowstorm and then a week later we get sleet and ice. This is one of coldest Christmases in a while. I'm just thankful the boys are here with me."

"Oh, David's there, too?"

"He came over when it first started to sleet. My boys both wanted to make sure I'm okay and now they're both stuck here."