Ain't Talkin' Bout Love

"Valerie, he doesn't even remember who you are," she said, "He didn't recognize you and you're not his type."

"Then why did he invite me back stage?" I asked. "Why did he pick me over all of those younger women? Why did we ... make love?"

She started laughing then. When she saw that I wasn't laughing, she stopped.

"Val, Honey," she said softly. "Sometimes Steve can be an asshole. This was all some kind of joke. He picked you ... he didn't actually pick you over all of those younger women. He picked you because of the way you look. What I mean is ... Well, ... he picked you because you don't look like the kind of woman Steve would be with. You have that ... suburban house wife look. He figured the police and the drug guys would never suspect you of carrying his drugs. And if they did catch you, he'd just claim he didn't know you and leave you hanging out to dry. And as for the rest; Honey, you didn't make love. He just fucked you. The same way he fucked everyone else one way or another. Go home Val."

Within an hour I was out of jail and on my way to the bus station. Several things bothered me. One of them was that I had tried to get enough money out of our bank account to fly home. I couldn't get any money. That meant that Josh had probably changed our PIN number. I tried calling the house. I got no answer, but since the kids were probably at school and Josh was at work, it made sense.

I opted not to leave a message. I tried calling Josh at work. I got his secretary who had always hated me. I didn't leave a message with her either.

I called Josh's cell phone. He didn't answer. Finally I tried my parents and got their answering machine. I left a message for them. With no choices left I got on the bus. The prospect of spending three days on a crowded, hot, smelly bus wasn't a great one but I had no choice.

I sat in the middle of the bus. We hadn't been on the road long before a guy moved over to sit near me.

"Hey, Baby. How're you doing?" he asked. He was one of those white guys who tried to sound cool by talking like a black guy. I was in no mood for his shit.

"Look, Eminem, go sit back where you were. I'm not in the mood for company," I spat.

"Okay, Ellen, no problem," he said. "You're not that good looking anyway. I was doing you a favor."

"Hey guys this one's a lezzie," he said, just loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear."

I didn't care. I had bigger problems. I leaned back in my seat. And as the bus churned through the miles, I churned through my thoughts. The primary thing I needed to do was to find out where I had gone wrong.

I guess that I never had gone wrong. The problem was that I had simply been stupid. I started the relationship with Josh as a way to get back at Steve. I allowed the relationship with Josh to become stronger and started having sex with him to make Steve jealous. Steve, not only never cared, he never noticed.

When I broke up with Steve after he cheated on me, he had simply moved on and had never looked back. As Brianna told me, Steve had no idea that he was my first love. He didn't even remember me. He barely even knew my name. Steve lived in a world where he was the center of the universe. He paid no attention to anyone else.

The thing that I was beginning to see was that I had been better off all along. When I had traded Steve in for Josh, I had literally fallen up the stairs. I had gone against gravity. I had dumped a man who was no good for me in exchange for one who was perfect for me, without ever realizing it.

To Steve, I was someone to use and of abuse and then throw away once I had out lived my usefulness. Had it not been for Brianna, Steve would have left me to rot in jail.

The worst part of it all was the way I had treated Josh. My husband was a proud man. I had foolishly broken his heart. My only hope was that his love for me would win out over my stupidity.

I needed to think up some reason to explain what I had done. I had a handful of likely reasons. There was the early mid life crisis angle. I could also claim that it was a form of post partum depression. Whatever I tried, I needed to be contrite. I needed to let Josh know that I loved him and that I had made a terrible mistake that I would never make again.

The biggest problem was that I hadn't run away for a weekend or a few days. I had been gone for nearly six weeks. Another thing was the sex angle. It was a huge problem.

Over the past few weeks I'd had sex with Steve as often as he wanted it. He had done things to me that Josh had never even thought of. I hadn't liked it, but I had allowed it out of fear of being forced to leave. Somehow I had clung to the notion that Steve wanted me back when in reality he had never wanted me period. Thinking back on it, if Steve had ever wanted me, he'd have tried to get back with me as soon as I dumped him over his cheating with my roommate.

I also had to question my own sanity. I had been with Josh for more than ten years and during that time he had worked his ass off both to provide for our family and to prove to me that he loved me. But deep down inside I had clung to a dream about a man who had never loved me and had only taken advantage of me.

There had to be something wrong with me. I was out of touch with reality. I needed some time to think and get my mind straight before I tried to get my husband and my family back.

The funny thing was that I knew that Josh would take me back. Josh loved me in that stupid, totally committed, heart over mind way that I had loved Steve. He would be angry at me, but in the end he wanted me so badly that he would take me back. He'd take me back as long as he never found out that I'd had sex with Steve. Josh did have some pride, even when it came to me. He's always described me as being his one and only. I'm pretty sure that if he found out that wasn't the case anymore that he wouldn't want me either. I would take that secret to the grave. The chances of Josh and Steve running into each other were remote.

As we got close to Michigan, I called my parents at home. My dad answered the phone and as soon as I said, "hello," he hung up on me. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that my father had turned his back on me. But that was what I had done to him wasn't it?

About an hour later, my phone rang. My mother started crying and screaming at me. I waited for her tirade to end.

"Valerie, why did you call us?" she asked after she had gotten it all out.

"Mom, I need some help," I said, in that little voice that all kids know will pluck their mother's heart strings.

She sighed and asked me what I needed. "You do know that Josh doesn't want to see or hear from you, right," she asked?

"Mom, right now, I have to get my head on straight. I need somewhere that I can just go and stay to think for a while," I said.

"But Val, Josh has a new..." she began.

"Mom," I cut her off. "I don't even want to think about Josh right now. I just need a place to stay and time to think, okay?"

"Alright!" she said. "Where are you?"

"I'm on a bus about fifty miles outside of Kalamazoo," I told her. "I think we're going to stop there and then make the final push for home. We're supposed to be at the downtown Greyhound terminal at around 6 this evening. Can you pick me up?"

"I'll be there," she said. "Hopefully, by that time I should have a place for you too."

"Why can't I just stay with you and Dad?" I asked.

"Well there are lots of reasons," she said.

"Name one," I said.

"Your father doesn't want to have anything to with you," she said. "He'd never allow you to step foot back in this house. Josh comes over all the time to help out. And you said you weren't ready to see him. We often watch Josh's kids for him and if they saw you, it probably wouldn't be a good thing. Yvette is a very happy little girl, now. Robbie on the other hand took your leaving very hard. And I hate to tell you this, Honey but if we had to make a choice between you and our Grandkids, I'm pretty sure that your Dad would pick them. He's pretty pissed off at you."

"Jeezus Mom, I only asked you for one reason, not a book. I didn't want the whole list," I said.

"Valerie, that isn't half of the list," she said quietly. "Every time your dad talks to the kids and hears that whole, "our mommy isn't here anymore," thing. He gets pissed all over again."

"Mom the kids will be fine," I said. "They love me."

"Why?" she asked.

"Why what?" I asked.

"Why are they supposed to love you?" she asked. "Valerie, I know time is short, but while you're avoiding your husband and 'thinking,' I have a few things you should think about. Do you remember what you called Robbie and Yvette the day you left?"

"I called them the kids," I said.

"No, you called them Josh's kids. You told him he could have them. You told him he could have your father and I too. You also told him that you had never loved him and that you had never wanted any kids," she said.

"Mom, I'll see you at the bus station," I said. Then I hung up the phone. I realized that I really did have some figuring out to do.

Our bus pulled into the main bus terminal in downtown Detroit, at about five minutes after six. My Mom was there waiting for me.

"You look like hell," she said. "Josh is..."

"Mom, I don't want to talk about Josh. I'm not ready to deal with him until I get my head straight. But I do need a little bit of help from you," I said.

She just looked at me. And then as if she was biting her tongue to hold something back, she spoke. "Valerie, I've already helped you far more than I should have. I've helped you much more than you deserve. Your father isn't an idiot. We got into a big argument about me helping you in the first place. Just because you walked out on your marriage and family, doesn't mean I want the same thing."

"Then you shouldn't have told him," I said. "Look, all I need you to do is to give me a week to get ready to face Josh. During that week, I want you to start mentioning me when you talk to him. That way he'll start thinking about me again. Then when I'm ready to see him, I'll already be on his mind. So it'll be easier for me to get back with him."

"And then what?" she asked. "You'll stay with him and pretend to love him for a few months or a year and then when the circus comes to town you'll abandon him again to run off with one of the clowns. Forget it Valerie. I can't do that. I'm going to do what my husband told me to do. You remember him don't you? He's your father. He told me to take you to your Cousin Amy's place and to just drive away. After that we're done with you.

"I helped you this far because you're my daughter and I gave birth to you. I love you Valerie, but there's something wrong with you. I'm not going to help you hurt Josh and my grandchildren again. From this point, you're on your own."

And that was exactly what she did. She dropped me off at my Cousin Amy's house. My cousin Amy is a nurse. She lives across the river in Windsor, Ontario. She's a Canadian citizen, but because of Canada's medical program she can make more than twice what she'd make in Windsor, just by driving across the bridge into Detroit.

Amy is five years younger than I am and is the nerd type. She's chunky with all of her weight in her butt. She has long, thick black hair and thick glasses. I almost felt sorry for her. At only thirty years old she was already built like my mother. I knocked on the door, but no one answered.

Before I knocked again, an old man came out of the house next door.

"She didn't show up A ... Oh, sorry miss, you're Amy's cousin, right?" he asked. I nodded. "She told me to watch out for you and give you the key." He handed me a key and then went back in his house, shaking his head.

For the first few days, I barely saw Amy. She was working night shifts in the ER. She slept while I was awake and she worked while I slept.

But on the third day that I was there, the smell of coffee drew me from my sleep. I staggered towards the kitchen to find her in front of the stove frying bacon while a coffee pot simmered.

"Hey Cuz," she smiled. We talked for over an hour while we ate breakfast. She told me about her career in nursing and what she wanted to do with her life. It sounded so exciting working with a bunch of handsome and rich doctors and helping to save lives on a daily basis. She looked at me strangely.

"Ya still don't see it do you?" she asked. "You think my life is some glamorous things out of a movie. All of the doctors I work with are mostly average looking guys who are up to their necks in debt. They work long hours and are hardly ever home to see their wives or girlfriends. Most of them end up divorced. And yeah a lot of them end up divorced because they fall into relationships with someone in the hospital. You're the one who's got it made."

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah you, Val," she said. "Josh is gorgeous and he clearly loves you. What the hell is wrong with you? He makes a great living, your house is beautiful. You have two great kids. I would die to have your life."

"Of course you would," I told her. "You don't understand what I gave up for that love."

"Okay, what is he?" she asked. "Is he a closet wife beater?"

"Of course not," I spat.

"Then what is it?" she asked. "Is it drugs?"

"He kept getting me pregnant," I said. "He destroyed my body. When we met I was slim and beautiful. He must have some sort of super sperm. Every time I look at him I end up pregnant. He turned me into a short, chunky woman with a big ass."

"A short, chunky woman with a big ass and a fucked up attitude," she laughed.

"I don't expect you to understand it," I said.

"Oh I understand it better than you do," she said. She went into the other room and came back with a big photo album. "I understand you alright."

She opened the album and turned the pages until she got to a photo of two young girls. "That's us," she said.

"Exactly," I said. "We were slim and beautiful."

"We were 12," she told me. She showed me a photo of myself at Christmas. I was older and there was a smiling Josh beaming down at me.

"When was this taken?" I asked.

"It was the Christmas just after your miscarriage," she said. "Can you see the love that man had for you?"

"Yep, just like a fucking puppy," I said "Can you see how much my ass had spread?"

She turned back to the first picture of us as children. You missed it didn't you?" she asked.

"Missed what?" I asked. She just shook her head.

"Okay, Cuz, I guess I have to give you the slow kids' version," she said. She showed me a picture of her mother. And a picture of my mother. Then an older faded picture of two slim young girls together.

"Is that us?" I asked. "This picture looks really old. I don't remember taking this one."

"It's not us," she smirked. "It's our mothers. Do you get it now?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "What do ... Oh ... I get it," I said. "You're trying to get me to realize that I'm lucky because I have Josh, like my mom has my dad. And your mom has Uncle Roy. I should be glad because I have Josh while you have no one. And even though Josh made me chunky and made my ass fat, I should be glad to have someone instead of being a lonely chunky woman with glasses like you."

She looked at me as if I was a moron. "I'm not that God damned lonely," she said. "I date often. I just haven't found the man I want to marry yet. I may be chunky, but there are a lot of guys out there who love chunky women. And as chunky as I am at least I'm not stupid."

"How am I stupid?" I asked angrily.

"Look at the God damned pictures," she snarled. "This picture is you and me. We were both slim and pretty." She turned the page. "This is your mom and my mom then they were young. They were slim and pretty," she said. "This is you from last year. You're a short, chunky woman, with a big fat ass. This is a picture of me from last week. I'm a short chunky woman with a big juicy caboose too. The biggest difference between us is that I have a functioning brain."

"What?" I said.

"Val, Josh didn't make your ass fat. Getting pregnant didn't make your ass fat. I was just as slim as you were when we were young. Right now, my ass is almost as big as yours is and I've never been pregnant. Josh didn't ruin your body, stupid. All he did was loved you. There's this thing they call genetics, Val. Your mother is a short, chunky woman with a big ass, my mother is short, chunky woman with a big ass, and I'm a short chunky woman with a big ass and guess what you are?" she said.

I just stood there in shock looking at her. I couldn't deny her logic. I realized then that for the last fourteen years I had been blaming Josh for something he wasn't guilty of. The only thing I could do was laugh.

I realized then that I needed to get home. I needed to spend some time with my husband and not HIS but OUR children. I needed to get to know them and love them the way I should have from the start.

I borrowed Amy's car and drove across the bridge into Detroit. I took the freeway out of the city and into the suburbs. I pulled into our subdivision and parked in front of our house. The garage was closed but there was a car in the drive way. It was a very snazzy looking BMW.

I had only been away for seven months but it looked as if Josh had been busy. There were new flowers in the front yard and he had apparently traded his Mustang in for the Beemer. I walked up the walkway. I saw my next door neighbor looking out of her front window and waved at her. She closed the drapes without waving back.

I knocked on the door and waited. I was really shocked when a tall blond woman came to the door. Her hair was like spun gold and her eyes had an amazing twinkle in them. She was wearing an apron and had an oven mitt on one hand. I caught her cooking something.

"Sorry, I must have the wrong house," I said. I turned to leave and she looked at me strangely.

"Valerie?" she asked.

"Do I know you?" I asked her.

"Josh is at work," she said. "I was trying to make cookies for Robbie and Yvette. I make them a different type of cookies every day. I'm running out of recipes."

I was speechless.

* * * * * *

Josh

The sound of my Mustang's exhaust was music to my ears. I had never heard it like this, but then I'd never driven the car this fast. I was ripping my way down I-75 at more than 140 miles and hour. I had to get home. Valerie was back. I took the corner into our subdivision in a drift. The car whinnied a bit as it straightened out. I clamped down the brakes and slowed to a crawl. I had to stay calm. There were always kids playing on our street.

I noticed a strange car parked in front of the house. I got out of my car and headed for the door. I opened the door and walked into my living room.

"I have to go pick Robbie and Yvette up from school," I heard Sylina saying from the kitchen. "I'm not sure I can leave you here in the house, alone."

"Why not? It's my house," said Val.

"Valerie," I said as I stepped into the kitchen. She turned and smiled at me when she saw me.

"Josh, I'm so sor..." she began. I put a finger on her lips to silence her.

"I forgive you," I said. "You don't have to say anything. In fact let me do the talking."

"Josh, Honey, who is this woman? She never did tell me," said Valerie.

"Don't worry about her," I said. "We'll talk about her later. There's something else I need to tell you."

"What is it my love?" she asked.

I smiled at her and she smiled back. We were smiling at each other like two people meeting in an airport after being separated for a long time.

"Valerie," I smiled.

"Yes," she smiled right back.

"Get the fuck out of my God damned house," I screamed. "Get out and don't ever bring your fat sleazy ass back!"