All Comments on 'Alex's Angel'

keep on writing! It's a pretty good hook, wanna know what happens next. :D

It was pretty good but waaay too short! I wanna read more! :)

Ok you got my attention. It was short though, but looking forward to next chapter

waiting for more chapters

Was shorter than expected but I really did like it and can't wait for more. Keep at it.

I like where you are going with this story Two suggestions, if everybody else can guess without saying that Alex is gay, why not sort of make a point of that, as too how long he has known that sort of thing...

His stepfather... is this the reason why his step father beats him too?? Also he may be a police man but no one will stand by and let a known abuser get away for that long. It would be nice if he could get justice and go to jail for this crime of abuse.

If Chris and Alex's family go way back I hope you start the next chapter with an explanation into why, how and where?? Obviously he is our angel in waiting.. What made him decide to make an appearance now??

I will leave the rest to you hehe.. can't wait

A nice start. Short but nice.

I do hope though that you have your story ready and do not have to wait for suggestions from readers, because that way your story will never be finished and if there is anything I don´t like it is a good story that never gets finished!

So far a good job but your chapters should be much longer to be really enjoyed by your readers. Keep up the good work.

I liked it! Hopefully you'll keep going and make the chapters longer. But what I'm looking forward to the most is Dinkyboots' comment! He makes my day!

Very good start, would love to see more

Really like it so far. Please keep the chapters coming.

The story is off to an excellent start. You've set up the situation and introduced us the main players. It is a bit short, though. If you haven't already started the next chapter, please do so. I look forward to more. Just to repeat, you might want to work on making the next entries a bit longer. Thank you.

The beginning was good and your writing style is fresh. Just make your chapters a but longer

I agree with all the other comments, this is really good so far. We know the main players and have a bit of background. I like your writing style and look forward to more. I am hoping that in the future the chapters are longer. Good work!

I really like how you've started this off. You're writing style is good and you've set this up to be a great beginning. I would make the chapters a little longer but other than that I like what you've done so far.

good start, looking forward to more...

Deamon Child...

my seal, the eclipse...

More please!

More!! Longer chapter!!!

you can't tell this is your first story. I am looking forward to the rest of it. I would like a longer chapter though

Curious where this will go.

Since you've written that this is your first story, I'll give a bit more detailed feedback than I usually do - I guess you want honest opinions and not just the typical "well done, good boy/girl"-tenor :) (If not, please just ignore the rest of my feedback, I don't want to ruin your motivation!)

I'm missing a bit of depth in some of the descriptions. A few more words here and there, a bit of detail and one or two additional sentences would have made it feel more natural. Like in the intro, where it was hard to decipher what had happened, and the few bits of information were sort of slapped into my face with an as abrupt end and change of scene and time.

It feels a bit rushed here and there, some of the reactions of your characters make me frown because it is hard to understand why they are acting the way they do - not because they're shallow, but because they are introduced very quickly and with just a bit too little subjective information. Since you're writing from first person perspective you are definitely allowed to put in more prejudiced descriptions. Your character can hate things he experiences, can form instant opinions, and you don't need to feel bad about that.

I respectfully disagree with a few points brought up by Metajinx. The intro wasn't hard to understand at all. Not every detail is given because I believe it will come later but enough is there so we know a family has been cursed and a boy will be able to end it years later. The author clearly indicates the time and scene change. It is not at all abrupt; it is in keeping with the nature of a prologue.

Yes, maybe a bit more descriptive detail would be nice, and the story is a bit rushed, but that will improve. We're given enough details to know about his bad home life, their lousy luck and how his friends help him. We are then introduced to his love interest, the angel. What more do you need to know? Sometimes, you just need to use your imagination. Oh, and this story is not being told from first person perspective at all. That would be using "I, me, my, etc." This is a third person point of view narrative.

Baraqiel, you have talent and your instincts seem okay. I would recommend you work on longer entries. A longer entry doesn't seem as rushed or as short on details.

Good Start!

This story has got me very curious to where it can go.

More background is needed but I'm hoping you will slowly fill us in as the chapters progress.

Great job, keep it up!

:)

I like how the characters are already developing. And Im a huge sucker for some angst and protective friends :) Kudos!

Interesting introduction to the story. I look forward to seeing how it develops. Personally I think the fact you haven't revealed all the information about the characters straight away is a good thing as it makes the developments more difficult to predict.

I hope you flesh out your characters and give a bit more background in the next chapter or two. I also wholeheartedly agree with avidreadr's comments. Keep up the good work and expand your horizons.

It's great! Though I agree with some of the other commenters, i still love the story and cant wait for you to update ASAP!

I love alex, he's so cute and shy. One thing tho, you kinda switched btwn first person perspective and third person at the beginning; make sure you choose one and stick with it.

One thing to be aware of is consistency. When Alex's mother gives him the present, "He realized then that he had been 18 for more than a month." However during the conversation in the car with Tommy and Tina he responds, "Yup he keeps telling me about it. As soon as I'm eighteen I'm out." Otherwise, keep up the good work and I hope you post the next chapter soon.

very nice start. Hope you add more soon

Hi all,

I have already written almost double this for my next chapter and I am still working. I will aim for a Wednesday release of each chapter. I kept this short for a reason I wanted to write a teaser to start with. I am also working on another series at the same time so please forgive any delays. Finally personal responses:

Lonesomedove: The stepfather is important for later in the story and his immunity will be explained. And Chris and Alex may not be explained immediately but all will become clear with time.

Jerin: in my experience readers come up with fantastic plot devices that are extremely fascinating and the author never thinks of.

Metajinx: Thank you so much for being honest I truly do appreciate it! This chapter was written specifically as a hook. The "meat" of the story is to come. I write as if this were a movie because that is how it comes to me. the first chapter is a teaser trailer and the narrator is not a third person omniscient.

Avid: Thank you for your defense! I am extremely grateful and your insight is impressive if not entirely with keeping with my plans. I am not just a little intrigued with you. I am a gay male tho.

lvrbttn1: You are completely correct to chide me for that mistake and i thank you for that! I will say that this change in consistency is a change that I made to allow for this story to be published. In my original story Alex's 18 birthday was going to be an event for the 2nd chapter but due to publishing rules I had to change my plans. In short you are right and I should have caught that during my editing and revision phase.

I am deeply greateful and humbled by all of you!

All my love. <3

B

Ok. I haven't read all the"comments". But as far as the story goes... I'm definitely hooked.

I would only ask for two things - longer chapters... & please don't make us wait a whole week (insert whiny sound here) in between chapters :o)

Great start! Really cannot wait for more!

Depressing as hell that ordinary stories like this, done to death so many times, get so many comments.

I have read a story like this but I'm looking forward to the rest! I can see that you're going to put a spin on the storyline that makes it unique for you and I can't wait! Well done :)

but in my book you cannot commit a bigger error than submitting badly edited work. Almost every computer has a spell checker, so failure to use it must be deliberate. After that, you should read over and check everyone has the right name, everytime you use it. Then you should try to act out the story to see if it is plausible, ie when someone collapses and during the time it takes to take them to sick bay, be assessed by the nurse, and regain consciousness, the question 'who is that guy' hasn't already been asked and answered. Others mentioned the basic checking of the facts of your own stories. On this site it is easy because if they are going to have sex they are going to need to be 18. Finally, name choice can be extremely important in either a positive way (as in JK Rowling's stories) or unfortunately for you, negative. Your "angel" has only the second worst name I have ever read for a character, taking that place right after Julian Jay Savarin's Lemmus series whose main character was named Jesul Christel

More you have to do more.. that was Amazing like no lie

If you have so much to say, you should say it under your name. NOT hide behind being anonimous. There is a difference between offering constructive criticism and advice and just being an asshole. You are an asshole in case you aren't sure which category you fit in.

Don't let idiots like that get you down!

Constructive criticism...I think overall it is a good start. The things I would have pointed out to you if I'd beta read (read it before you submit it to point out things that could be clarified or don't make sense, etc) would be things like: I think you should have said what the original Alex had stolen to get the curse put on his family. Also, who was the person cursing him? Were they lovers or was it a parent? He says he loves Alex, but not in what way. Later, I'd have liked you to describe more of what Alex felt when he saw Chris. Why did he faint? I mean, hot or not, you don't faint looking at someone. Did he hold his breath till he blacked out? What made him collapse?

I'd have liked to have seen you describe how it was for Alex to be best friends with the two people who are dating each other. Wouldn't he always feel like a third wheel when hanging out with them? One other thing I have a big problem with is that the nurse would be legally obligated to tell someone about the abuse at home. Not only ethically, but there is a law that doctors, teachers or school nurses and even priests, must report abuse. How could she know he's being hurt and know how bad her nephew is and not help the kid? Just send him back for more?

These are just things to help you out. No matter how experienced a writer is, it is good to have someone read it and point stuff out like this. You can get an editor through the site or just ask people who liked it if they'd help you out by reading it or editing it.

keep writing and ignore idiots like that Anon person.

As far as the anonymous goes,

Please point out where my spelling/grammar is incorrect I would be fascinated to see. As far as the Finding out who the person was. Look at the contextual clues he had just ridden up on a motorbike and the friends were at the top of the stairs leading into the school, therefore he could not have been closer than say 10-15 meters. Next, have you ever fainted or spoken to someone who has fainted? Unconsciousness does not last long in most cases. Also most schools are set up to have administrative offices (including the infirmary) close to the front entrance. The age issue was completely my mistake. I had originally planned to use his 18th birthday for one of my plot point ideas, but due to the submission guidelines I had to change that late in the process. The reason for that original plot plan was that this story was not originally intended to be on this site. The original story idea was an assignment for a creative writing class I was taking. Finally, Chris' name. If you had taken a moment to look at the names of the angels as written in Enoch, you would see that very few of the names are simple or common. Christianus is not at all a bad name choice, and is in fact a name I came up with to resemble those names. In conclusion please link me to your submitted works I would love to read something from some one who has such an intensive knowledge of what constitutes as a "well written" story.

Cannd: I am deeply grateful for your defense and your constructive criticism. Many of the things you described were intentionally left vague or written the way they were to bring up the sorts of questions you stated. The item stolen, the fact that Alex fainted upon seeing Chris' eyes, and even the Aunt disobeying the law and not reporting the abuse, among other things. In graphic design it would be called creative use of negative space. What is not said can be just as important as what is. If you would like to message me through my profile I would be honored to have you beta read for me.

If anyone has questions or comments please feel free to message me through my profile page or email me at aguy8498@gmail.com

All my love,

B

I am very excited to see where this story goes. That being said, I simply can't see where there were any grammer or editing mistakes, given the many other stories on this site that are much much worse. I have a feeling it is Anon's own lack of imagination and insecurities coming into play not anything to do with the writing. I firmly believe that if you don't like, you don't have to read it. Keep up the great work B!

Well looks like you'll be uploading weekly because we fucking loved it!!!!

This story sure is a mystery. It makes one wonder what that boy did to cause the Angel to curse his family.

It's heart wrenching to read that Alex has been abused. He doesn't deserve any of the torment he's going through!! He seems like a really good kid...but that makes me want to read more, so that's good!

Till next time!

Hey all,

This is my first time back on a functioning computer since late sunday night, so this chapter will be a bit late. Basically what happened was I was working on a graphic design project for a client and I blew my CPU. My main computer was almost four years old and thus substandard for current graphic design products. When the CPU blew it took my motherboard with it and that messed up my hard drive. The only copy I had of chapter two was on that hard drive and I was not able to recover it(I have my backups set to update at 3AM Monday mornings.)

So to sum it all up my schedule is off now and I will have chapter two up as soon as I finish rewriting it.

All my love,

B

Keep on writing, I'm waiting with bated breath for Chapter 2. :D and quite honestly, I see no grammar errors or anything of the sort, ignore the asshole anon.

This story is fantastic! I can't wait for the next chapter. And as for the spelling and grammatical errors; I couldn't find them. I thought the spelling, grammar, and flow of the story were all perfect. These stories are free for us to read and I want to thank you for taking the time to share yours with us. Ignore the haters :) keep up the great work.

I love it!! It's a great start! I am excited about the rest of the story. Can't wait!!!

"I will try to post on a weekly basis if this first chapter is liked."

Well Ok.. It's VERY well liked... EXTREMELY well liked...

posted on 8/30 - weekly, means you owe us 9 more chapters.. :o) lol

Seriously, I can't wait for more. Please don't make us wait too long. Great start! Absolutely wonderful!

This is a great story I want to read more! Great start I love the ways is evolving!

OMG I soo need more of this story I cried when there wasnt more please definately keep writing.

I don't read alot but I love your story can't wait to read more I will be looking every month.

Awesome start! Don't stop because not only I but everyone else is dying for more.

Please!

the story is great albeit a bit dramatic for Alex to actually faint but the jokes by Tommy there after makes it sound sweet and funny and kind of believable. why did you stop writing? you were off to a definitely great start. hoping you will finish this.

Excellent start...and nice flow...you're doing great!! Nice of you to let us get to know the characters and who they are, before all the hot sensual sex to come..:)

You can't just stop there! There has to be more, I can't believe that you would just stop with a great start like that. Please post again.

Why did you stop

Oh, you are a cruel, cruel soul for teasing such an incredible intro.... :(

Would have like to see how this ended, but was this supposed to be a reference to mind freak? I've got the theme song in my head now. I feel like half finished stories should be purged from this site though. It sucks reading a story with no resolution.

Please this was so good, I need more

OMFG PLEASE DO MORE, I BEG YOU

I loved this piece, I can feel the ship being built please give us another chapter. Its six or so years in the making, its gonna be great.