All the Stops: Road to Sunnyhell Ch. 5

“Hey, be careful!” Angel shouted, twisting around to glare at him.

“Serves you right, peaches.” Spike pouted.

Helpfully, Dawn reached over and threw the smoke onto the pavement. “It’s just a tiny burn mark, Angel.”

“THERE’S A MARK!?”

Meanwhile, Ethan looked from vehicle to vehicle and had to admit that nothing looked appealing to him. Giles was standing on the corner, looking longingly at the convertible, though whether it was the chance to keep an eye on his slayer or ride with the top down was uncertain. “Well, Ripper, what are we going to do now?”

“Willow and I are going to ride with Xander and you are going in the trunk, if I have my way.”

“Maybe I should ride with Wesley. I should keep an eye on Tara.” Willow chewed on her bottom lip.

“She’s sedated, Willow. Don’t worry, Fred will take care of her. You need to keep focused right now.” Giles gripped her shoulder reassuringly. Ethan’s eyes narrowed as he took in the contact. An idea hit him.

“What happened to that little piece of mid-life crisis you bought? The red shiny one?” Ethan asked. He had kept tabs on ol’ Ripper magically.

Giles didn’t bother looking at him, and didn’t take his hand off Willow. “It’s back home.”

Without another word, Ethan took a step closer, grabbed Willow’s free hand and gestured to the empty street in front of them. Giles felt the buzz, like a light shock of electricity race through Willow and into him, then reverse back through where they touched. A stream of dark purple and silver threaded around the trio then shot like an arrow from Ethan’s extended hand. Giles’ car appeared parked on the sidewalk, complete with a new C.B.

Willow stared in shock a moment. “You used us to . . . how did you . . .can you show me . . .what . . .” Then, she clutched his hand tighter and just beamed up at him as if he were her hero. It made Giles want to vomit.

Ethan opened the door for her and she climbed in, still marveling at the car. “Well, Rupert? You might as well start your lecture now. We’re in a bit of a hurry.”

Giles looked at him dismissively. “You’re still riding in the back. Show-off.” And he climbed behind the driver’s seat and revved the engine. He smiled over at Willow, then leaned close to her, reaching across her waist. She flinched a moment, but he just pulled the seatbelt across her and fastened it. “Wouldn’t want you to fall out.”

“Like that’s going to happen with you driving.” Ethan hopped over the door and into the back. “I hope this Glory chit isn’t punctual.”

“I don’t have seatbelts in the back. Do try and hang on.” Giles flashed him a Ripperish smile as he tossed his glasses into the glove compartment.

“Just try and keep it out of Neutral.” Ethan put his hands behind his head and stretched.

“Everyone’s settled in then.” Buffy said, leaning back in her seat. “Let’s go home.” Angel pulled out of the driveway, followed by a cavalcade of cars. ******

Gunn had turned on a local urban music station and he and Faith rapped along with the songs. During a commercial break, she noted a crossbow sticking out of his weapons bag. “What’s this?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” He said, clearly embarrassed.

“I’ve never seen one like this.” It was easy to see that this one was homemade. Someone had put great thought into its design. “Did you do this?” Her hands skimmed over the sleek lines of it.

“Uh, yeah. That was from my early days of vamp hunting. I don’t know why I brought it. I have newer ones, much better made, but–“

”They don’t have this kind of personal touch?” He nodded.

She looked through the scope he had attached. “Nice. You design this?”

“No, my mom did. I found a few of her sketches when I went through some of her papers.” He looked at the road. “It’s stupid, but it made me feel safe or something. Like she was there with me every time I fought.” Faith patted his arm, understanding the need to feel safe.

She ran her hand over it again. Faith was slowly getting more and more of the Gunn puzzle. He was every bit as complicated as she was. “Could you make me one?”

He grinned at her. “You bet. If the world doesn’t end.” ***********

“Will you turn off this Mozart crap?” Spike asked, crossing his arms over his chest, he deliberately dug his knee into the back of Angel’s seat.

“No, I won’t.” Angel looked into his rear view mirror and scowled at the place where Spike would have appeared if he reflected in the mirror.

“Fine.” Spike said, taking his smoke from his lips. He held it to very deliberately on the back of Angel’s seat, neatly burning a small hole right through it. Dawn gave him a scolding glance but couldn’t stop herself from smiling.

“What’s that smell?” Angel said, sniffing the air.

“Probably roadkill. Is it making you hungry for some more sodding pig’s blood?” Spike asked, rolling his eyes.

“Will you just be quiet?! You haven’t stopped complaining for twenty miles.” Buffy turned around and her eyes shot sparks at Spike. “Don’t make me come back there!”

“And do what, Slayer?” Spike said, raising an eyebrow, he was clearly thinking of things that could be done in the backseat. And they didn’t involve beatings.

“Over my dead body, Spike.”

Angel was too involved with driving. “No one is dying today. No one.” He vowed. They all ignored him.

Dawn decided it was time to have a talk. She reached over the seat and turned the radio off, ignoring Spike’s exaggerated sigh of relief. “I want to help.”

“No.”

“Buffy–“

”No! I mean it.”

“But Lorne said I would be fine. He said I would–“

”No, I’m not letting you anywhere near danger.”

“I can fight, Buffy. I’m strong. I mean, certainly not Glory. But I could take out a minion or two.”

“I think she has a point.” Spike said, coming to her defense. “Nibblet’s immortal. It’s not like they’re going to do any permanent damage to her.”

Angel was wisely refraining from comment.

“You could still get hurt though.” Buffy said, turning around.

“Only temporarily. I’ll heal.”

“But–“

”I’m going, Buffy.”

She sighed. “Alright. But your staying towards the back. Behind Spike. He’ll protect you.”

“Okay.” Dawn nodded.

Angel looked hurt. Why hadn’t she asked for his assistance? He could protect Dawn. “I could protect Dawn.” He offered.

“That’s my job, poof. You just stick to helping out Mr. Green Jeans, okay?”

The Slayer ignored them.“And you’ll only be taking on small minions, okay? Baby ones who don’t have weapons.” Buffy pursed her lips. “Or the really crazy ones, the ones that are drooling and in pajamas.”

“Alright.” Dawn agreed, venturing a grin. ************

“Why can’t I drive?” Anya complained.

“Because you would gesture emphatically, not steer.”

“What?!”

“Nothing, An. Just a dream I had.” “You know, normally I would be heading off to parts unknown. Not returning to the scene of a would-be apocalypse.”

“I know. But you’re human now, you feel the need to help.”

“I guess I do.” Anya mused. “I think I’m growing. As a person, I mean.”

“Yeah.” Xander agreed, watching the road. He peered into the car ahead of them. “I don’t like the way Ethan’s looking at Willow.”

“He IS very creepy.” Anya said, watching the sorcerer too. “He reminds me of a politician I once cursed. He had been cheating on his wife with his secretary and she wished that he–“ ”Anya, as fun as these little cursing stories are, I don’t have the time right now. And I really don’t think it’s the right time to discuss penis boils or manly parts that will never work again.”

“But it is the right time to discuss a creepy sorcerer?”

“I think he’s after Willow!” He made a barfy face. “And maybe Giles too.”

“Willow’s gay.”

“I think Giles might be too.” They both made faces as they imagined some twisted Ethan/Giles/Willow interaction. “Okay, Anya, let’s have that penis story. It’s much better than my current mental images.”

“I can’t now. I’m too disturbed.”

“And Angel had to take our Cheesy Poofs. Those always help me feel better. He’d better not put blood on them.”

“Why would he? He’s a vampire. They only eat blood.”

“Spike doesn’t. He puts blood on everything, just like it was ketchup or ranch dressing.”

“Everything?”

“Even ice cream.”

“Ewww. Let’s talk about the disturbing threesome. That’s much better than a blood sundae.”

“Ewww.” They both shuddered. Xander reached for the radio. If they didn’t do something he was going to be sick. **********

“Looks like the demon girl and the idiot are queasy.” Ethan said, tossing a careless look over his shoulder.

“They have names, you know.” Willow huffed. “Anya and Xander are very valuable members of the Scooby Gang.” She looked to Giles for support. “Isn’t that right?”

“If you say so.” He said. Giles had never really liked those two.

“Giles!”

“What? I’m telling the truth. They cause as much trouble as they help us alleviate. To be honest, I’d be content with just you and Buffy in the Scoobies.”

“I’ve caused trouble too!” Willow said, defending them in her own way. “Remember my ‘I will it so’ spell where I made you blind. Oh! And I made Buffy want to marry Spike.”

“Let’s do bring that up as often as possible, Willow.” Giles said, his tone snotty.

“That’s not really causing trouble, my dear.” Ethan said, inserting himself into the conversation. “Once, Ripper got this spell that stole the will of a vampire. And the git did it too. Had this poor lady vampire following him around, acting as his slave in. . .ahem. . .more ways than one.”

Color stole into Giles face.

“Giles that’s just. . .ewwww.” She moved away from him, shoving herself against the door. “At least my magick problems were inadvertent.” She frowned. “And why would you wanna. . .er, do that with a vampire? I mean, yuck. There all cold and stuff.”

“Yes, Rupert, why would want do that with a vampire?” Ethan asked, eyes wide with completely feigned innocent.

In answer, Giles gunned the engine, leaving Ethan to grab blindly at the back of the front seat. “I’m sorry about that.” He said smoothly. “Be careful, mate. Wouldn’t want you to get road rash.”

“Well, I can see doing that with Spike.” Willow said, lost in her own thoughts.

“Spike?!?” They both shouted.

“Did I say that out loud?” She giggled in childlike delight. “Gotcha!” ***********

Wesley looked ahead of him. “What’s wrong with him? He almost caused that sorcerer chap to hit the road.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, like that’d be a big loss.” Cordelia said, concentrating on her fashion magazine.

“Every human life is precious, Cordelia. No matter what he’s done in the past.”

“He tried to get me killed. His life isn’t that precious to me.”

He dropped the subject. “What is the speed limit on this road?”

“65, why?”

“Mr. Giles is going 75. Do you think he might be experiencing a mid life crisis?”

“That would explain the shiny red car and the way he’s looking at Willow.”

Wesley was shocked. “You don’t really think he feels that way about her do you?”

“No, he doesn’t.” She turned a page. “Just like you don’t feel anything for the crazy taco lady.”

“Shhhhh!” He hissed, glancing over his shoulder.

“What? It’s not like she’s with it, Wesley.” She turned around seeing Fred and Tara seated opposite one another, Indian style. They weren’t making much sense, but they seemed happy. “She’s having a conversation with the girl who got her mind sucked out.”

“Her name is Tara.”

“She’s Willow’s girlfriend apparently.

“Willow’s gay?!”

“Uh, yeah. Where have you been? I’ve known that for a while now.”

“Then why is Mr. Giles interested in her?”

“You got me.” She turned back to her magazine.

“Aren’t you worried about the fight?”

“No. I saw the vision. I know what’s going to happen and I told everyone so you can make it. . .unhappen. My job is done.” She cleared her throat. “It helps to not focus on it. When I do, the pain comes back.”

In the backseat, Fred grinned at Tara. “I like your pajamas. When I was in that hell place, I didn’t have any. Not that I could have. I mean, with all the dirt and the grime. Besides, you can’t make pajamas of out of Flixin beast pelt.”

“On Tuesdays, I sell matches to the old man.”

“Yeah, I didn’t have any matches there either. I mostly had to rub two sticks together. Oooh! Or I could find flint sometimes, in the rocky shoals above my cave. Not that I like caves. I always wanted to live in a Tudor house, maybe buy a lake. Not that I’m snooty or anything, it was just a dream of mine.”

“This was all set down. It’s written on the wall.”

“I write on walls too!”

Cordelia smiled at Wesley. “See? They’re bonding.” ***********

“I’ll tell Wes we’re pulling over.” Angel reached under his console for the C.B. He wanted to let Wesley know that they were pulling into the rest stop and he wanted to make sure that they kept the group together. Glory’s minions could be anywhere, it was best if they stayed in a group.

“You didn’t tell me you had a C.B.”

“There’s a reason for that.”

“Lemme do it.” Spike whined.

“No.” Angel said.

“Come on, toss it back here.”

“No!”

“Peaches, Dawn and I are bored. Least you could do is let us play with it.”

“Don’t drag me into to this.” Dawn said.

“NO, you–“

”Oh, just give it to him, Angel. I’m sick of his bitching.” Buffy tossed the microphone to Spike.

“Fine. Just make sure you tell Wesley we’re stopping at the next rest stop.” Angel ordered.

Spike did his best Southern accent. “Breaker one nine, breaker one nine, this is Dracula in the broodmobile. Anyone out there got your ears on?”

Dawn smacked him. “Didn’t you see ‘Joyride?’ This can only end badly.”

“You’ll be fine, bit. I won’t let any nasty truckers mack on you.”

“Mack?” Angel asked, from the front. “As in the type of truck?”

“Since when do you go by Dracula, Batman?” Wesley’s crisp English voice came over the C.B. “And are you using the accent as a cover? In case we’re being monitored?”

“Batman?” Spike crowed. His lips twitched as he pressed the button to talk. “Well, Alfred, this is Dracula. Batman’s driving. He wanted me to tell you that we’re stopping at the rest stop. Apparently, the humans have to pee.” He said this all very seriously and in a secretive, Rod Serling tone.

Wesley’s voice dripped with disdain. “That would make you The Joker, ‘Dracula’, don’t you think?”

“No, I think that makes you Renfield” He cackled. “Just don’t lose creepy old Van Helsing in front of you when you go to pull over. Put your blinker lights on like a good bug eater.”

Dawn rolled her eyes.

“I heard that, Spike!” Giles said into the microphone.

Dawn grabbed the mic. “That’s Dracula. What’s your handle, Giles?”

“It’s Giles.” Was the prompt reply.

“No, you can’t be Giles, Giles. It’s your real name.”

“Fine, I’m Ripper, then.” Giles said.

“Why are you called Ripper?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” His accent became more pronounced.

Willow took the C.B. “This is Glinda here in the uh. . .magicmobile. Giles, er, Ripper is sorry for being so rude.”

In the car, Giles regarded her with one eyebrow raised. “No, he really isn’t.”

Willow smacked his leg. “What’s your handle, Dawnie?” They were all desperate for some fun. The Glory situation was just too dismal to contemplate.

Spike answered for her. “She’s Dusk, now that she’s got a smidge of vampire blood, aren’t you, bit?”

“Her name is Dawn!” Angel snarled. “Why do you keep calling her by these nicknames?”

“I like Spike’s nicknames for me.” Dawn said, moving closer to him. Angel cursed under his breath.

“What’s your deal?” Buffy asked, staring at her former boyfriend. He just scowled and she shrugged. She grabbed the mic from Spike. “Hey, Glinda, this is She- Ra!” The two friends laughed, remembering the television show they had both watched as children.

A female voice sounded on the C.B. “Well, this is Queen C, here in the crazymobile.” In the background, Wesley could be heard yelling at Cordelia for saying that. “Batman? I still think this is a really lame idea. I still say a cellphones are just as effective.”

Spike took the mic back. “Hello, luv. Miss me?”

“No.” Wesley could be heard still harping on her in the back ground. “Be quiet, crumpet.” They could all hear the smile in her voice. “Are you out there, Nighthawk?”

“I’m here.” Xander said, blushing. Anya stared at him. “I’ll explain later. And with me in the benmobile is Vengeance.”

Anya swiped the mic. “Make that Justice. I believe that’s the politically correct term for it.”

Gunn was next. “This is Blade in the dustmobile.” He tossed it to Faith.

“And this is Jailbird!” She let herself laugh, really laugh for the first time in recent memory.

“Hey, Queen C, how’s Bell doing?” Gunn asked.

“Bell’s just fine. She just made a new friend. Uh, we’ll call her, uh, Dorothy. Because, Toto, she’s not in Kansas anymore.”

Willow glared at the C.B. “Hey! Just remember, Glinda will guide her home.”

“Why do they call her Bell?” Faith asked Gunn.

“Because she likes to run for the border.”

“Huh?”

“Fred loves tacos.”

“This is Dusk. Have we heard from everyone?”

Ethan leaned over and took the mic from Willow. One of his hands rested on her shoulders, the fingertips dipping to trace her collar bone.“No, you missed one. This is Puck in the magicmobile.”

‘She-Ra, this is Nighthawk. We have unauthorized touching in the magicmobile.” Ethan looked up. “Yes, you heard me, geezer! I see you. Hands off Glinda. Don’t make me ram you buddy. There’ll be sorcerer bits all over the road.”

Giles swerved and Ethan’s hand was once more gripping the seat to keep his balance. “Xander, move back away from my car. If you ram it I won’t be responsible for my own actions.”

“That’s Nighthawk, Ripper!”

Buffy looked sick to her stomach. She snatched the mic. “I know we’re all bored. So, let’s all play the name game. Let me see. . .what rhymes with Puck?”

Spike tried his hand at it. “I know one. Muck. As in, he’s trying to drag Red down into the muck with him.”

“Cluck.” Dawn added. “Like a chicken.”

Gunn picked up the mic. “What about Luck? As in sh** out of luck.”

Faith grinned. “Or suck? As in, you suck!”

“How about Chuck?” Xander offered. “No, wait. Up-Chuck. Every time I see you that’s what I want to do.”

“Ooh! Or Buck. As in, can’t make a buck. Because, I bet you don’t have much money, despite your advancing years.” Anya said.

Giles picked up the mic and his look was malevolent as he regarded the other sorcerer in the rearview mirror. “How about Tuck?” Ethan frowned. There was nothing bad about that. “I see a bald spot on top. You’re going to look like Friar Tuck.” Ethan patted his hair gingerly.

“That was lame, Ripper. How about Schmuck? I think that one’s self explanatory.” Willow said cheerfully.

“We here in the crazymobile have decided on stuck. Like a pig, Ethan. I mean Puck. Whatever.” ‘Queen C” said.

Just then, they all turned into the rest stop. As they all pulled up to the curb, the ‘magicmobile’ was parked next to the ‘broodmobile.’

Buffy’s smile was shiny and toothpaste bright. It was reminiscent of the Buffybot. She looked over at Ethan. “I know one that starts with an ‘F’ that suits you perfectly. I don’t give a flying Fu**.”

“I have one too.” Just then, Angel tossed the bag of Cheesey Poofs. They went sailing through the air and caught Ethan in the chest, leaving a trail of bright orange bits on his tailored shirt. “Duck!”

Xander got out of his car and snatched the bag from Ethan. “I believe those are mine!”