All Comments on 'An Abnormal Day At The Office'

Okay, you wanted feedback, I have it.

First, work on your mechanics. The writing is clumsy and forced.

Second, give us a reason to give a damn about these characters. They were just paper cutouts.

Finally, and most important, come up with a realistic scenario. I mean, I know it's fantasy, and fiction, but no one behaves like that on a first day at work.

You may have some writing ability, but you need lots of practice and some some editorial guidance. As a first effort, I give this one a thumbs down. Keep trying, but seriously get some assistance.

Not, bad, your mechanics are good. But it did seem a bit hurried. I would recommend slowing things down a little, add some details that aren't important but help the reader feel like they are there, and stretch out the sex scenes to be more leisurely. The final paragraph goes way too fast.

Also, you might want to add some justification for their immediate attraction to each other. Readers want to suspend their disbelief, so you don't have to try TOO hard, but you have to give them something.

Keep working on your skills, you'll get there.