All Comments on 'Any Chance We Could Ch. 03'

Hot story, definitely. Horribly silly and unrealistic dialogue though. Because of the horrible dialogue this story comes off like a teen boy's awkward atttempt at writing down his favorite fantasy. It reads very much like some of TheSparkZone's lesser efforts, where the overly precocious girls seem hell bent on verbalizing every last unrealistic thing they say and do.<p>

"Oh my gosh! My towel just fell off and my hands are full with this pizza box! I couldn't possibly do something like just put the box down and put my towel back on! Instead, I'm forced to just stand here helplessly naked! Oh, and look! You can all see my puffy nipples and my triangle of girl fur! You there, standing behind me! You can see my naked teenage butt! If I bend over at the waist, just like this, oh my god, I'm giving you a beaver shot! This is so embarrassing!"<p>

Different crap dialogue, but the same kind of crap dialogue.<p>

In this story all the continual "I liked that, daddy! Do you think you'll ever suck my nipples again?" dialogue is equally ridiculous. It's nearly insulting.<p>

I don't know, maybe the intent here is to make a silly fantasy story involving characters who don't actually exist on planet earth. If so then this story definitely works on that level. I just know this story could be extremely hot if you wanted it to be. All you'd have to do is inject some realism into each character's actions and behaviors.<p>

You might start with taking much of the dialogue and shitcanning it completely and replacing it with dialogue that's half way realistic. Or, if you insist on keeping all this cloying banter, you could have the girls merely think these things to themselves rather than have them actually say every last stupid thing out loud. That's the problem. Most of what they keep saying are things they'd never say out loud, they'd only think them...and even that's a stretch. As it stands this story is reading like the kind of cheap porn one might get in a five minute "teen sex" clip where the girls just come in and say really stupid and vapid "come ons" in the director's half assed attempt to get the ball rolling.<p>

Reading most of the dialogue in this story I half expect for there to be an accompanying "wacka wacka" wah wah guitar 70's era porn soundtrack.<p>

It's crazy too, because for all the problems I have with how silly this story is I'm STILL enjoying it! That's why I still gave it a 75. The girls are awesome and the mom is hot as hell with the way she's so comfortable with the girls' behavior both with each other and with herself and the dad. If you'd just write this thing with any concern whatsoever for realism you'd have yourself a killer story and you wouldn't hardly need to change a thing. You could retain all the main story points: all the same clothes, all the same clothes swapping, all the same modeling of the clothes, all the same seduction scenes, all the same lap sitting, ass squeezing and breast sucking...all of it. It all could stay.<p>

Just stop making it read like a Britney Spears video directed by Russ Meyer! You could really have something incredible here if you'd just stop forcing everything so badly with all the horrible dialogue.<p>

You're going to have to begin using actual story narration.<p>

That's what writing a good story is all about. YOU paint the picture. You don't have one character turn to the other and say, "Oh, look, Biff, it's a sunset! Can you see it?"<p>

"Yes, Mary, I see it! Tell me about it!"<p>

"Oh, Biff! It's the sky! Doesn't it look different than normal right now? See the way it's suddenly all colorful and stuff, with lots of reds and oranges and blues and..."<p>

"Yes, Mary, I see it! There are beautiful yellows too, and the clouds are all lit up really cool!"<p>

"Biff, tell me, do you think you will every want to see the sky look like this again?"<p>

"Oh yes, Mary, I think I will! I want to see the sky look like this again! What about you?"<p>

"I just don't know, Biff! Do you think we should? I mean, do you really like it?"<p>

"Yes, Mary, I'm pretty sure I do! I think I'll want to see another one!"<p>

"Oh Biff, maybe there will even be different colors next time! Maybe we'll see some purples and golds and..."<p>

Seriously. You're sitting on something here that's potentially very good. Put some effort into exposition and narration. This story deserves it.

Its rare to see someone take the time to write such a lengthy and constructive comment. I hope its appreciated. -- UK CYNIC

I tried for six months to get an editor interested in this story and this in my opinion is a good effort for a second try. I appreciate your lengthy fault finding but I would really appreciate an example of a rewrite of a few of the paragraphs that you are most critical of.

I love how he calls her Lover. Hot and tender at the same time.

but exciting. The comment suggesting you tighten up the story is well taken but - I'm hooked.

I like the ideal of showing a little hair from the panties also. I also think its a great look. Flashing the panties and or couch, with pantyhose, panties or bare I also like. Great show keep it up. sqhead german

Well, chapter 3, what can we say? Both girls removed their bikini tops and have no modesty from Scott. They even showed panties with pussy hair showing. Veronica, also shows her pussy hair in her panties, when she is wearing them. She drops all modesty and has sex with Scott 3 times, before chapter 4. i also love seeing pussy hair showing around the panties, but, the butt should be fully covered../ 70 yr old reader. sqhead

Plus, I'm hanging in too, so far because I like so many of the little details like the descriptions of the daughters and the woman. The sex scene was a bit sparsely described but you at least avoided many of the porny pitfalls so common on this site like having the fairly ladylike businesswoman suddenly start talking like a gutter whore for no good reason.

I realize this was submitted ages ago but it's a shame you never hooked up with an editor to proofread your work. It's not nearly as awful as most efforts on the site but when a story is managing to keep my interest, the random errors are all the more annoying to stumble over time and again.

As long as I can keep looking past the rubbish teen dialog portions, I shall continue to check this out.

fine chapter. makes me want to read more.

I have no idea why this set of stories is rated so high. It’s some of the most boring, anticlimactic stuff I’ve read. I won’t be continuing.