Ashley's Deal

Everything was out in the open now. It needed fixing, and she was deeply sorry, but it was in the open and would get resolved, in time, and that was what mattered.

She thought she understood why David had suggested his odd arrangement. It meant he wouldn't be surprised. Cheating hurt, but the surprise was worse. The surprise made you powerless. Ashley hated to feel powerless, and she thought David did too. She understood why David would go this far to make sure it didn't happen again.

Two nights later, David came home and said, "Have you ever been with another woman?"

"Not really," Ashley said. "Why?"

"Have you?"

"Maybe."

"That's not an answer."

"Sort of. Why?"

"To fix this. To solve this problem."

"What, a free run at chicks, if I leave guys alone?"

"Essentially."

Ashley sat there. She was on the sofa, had been reading papers for tomorrow. She leaned forward, pushed the files onto the coffee table.

"Any woman?" she said. "And that would be okay?"

He nodded.

"I think I'm okay with that," Ashley said.

"Oh," David said, and seemed surprised.

"What," she said. "It's a pretty good way around it all, isn't it? It's practical."

"And you are actually attracted to women?"

"We'll see. But if that's what I get, it's what I get."

He kept looking at her.

"I've thought I might be before," she said. "I've never checked. But that isn't the point, really, is it."

"Isn't it?"

"It's not like I want anyone else particular," she said. Not definitely. I just want a possibility. As far as we've worked this out. So this way, the possibility's there. It doesn't matter if I actually do it."

"And you'll stick to it? You won't change your mind and decide you don't like women after all, so you'll do the same thing but with a man?"

"I don't think so."

"Because it seems like this is starting something. That agreeing to a little makes everything else all right. So you could tell yourself that if a woman is fine, then a man would be too. And then we're back where we started."

"No," Ashley said. "It isn't like that."

"You're sure? You completely understand that?"

"Yeah," she said. "Actually I do."

He looked at her, and seemed to be thinking.

"Are you sure you're okay with it," Ashley said.

"I think I am."

"You shouldn't be."

"I know, but I am."

Ashley wanted to ask why, but she didn't want to push him. She didn't want talk him out of this by questioning his judgment. It wasn't like she was going to go out and do this tomorrow, anyway. She might lose interest. She might never do this. They were planning for years from now, and she could ask David why when the time came.

All she wanted to do right now was fix them.

"Not sure?" David said.

"Nah," she said. "Just thinking. It all comes down to whether I want to sleep with women, doesn't it."

"Do you?"

"Maybe. I'll find out." She looked at him for a moment. "So if we agree on this, we'll be better? We agree I fucked up, really badly, and you forgive me, and I'll never do it again. I'll never not tell you again."

"Of course."

"So you'll stop looking at me sadly and be happy like you used to?"

Silence.

"Will you?" she said.

"Yeah."

"You'll forgive me?"

"I already have."

"And be happy?"

"I will."

"I don't think I can't agree to the same thing back," Ashley said. "I don't think I'm okay with you and another guy."

"That's fine."

"Or any other deal. No other women for you."

"I know. But it's you we need to fit this around. You're enough for me."

"That doesn't seem fair. All this, because I won't make promises to you. When you have to me."

He shrugged.

"Because I might want a fling," she said.

"You're my fling. I already had it. You're it, and I'm done, and I'm grateful I can try and keep you forever. Now we just need to manage your fling, and get past it too."

Ashley understood, but it still didn't seem right. "It isn't fair," she said. "I'm asking much more of you than you are of me."

"I'm done. I really am. There won't be anyone for me after you."

"What do you mean?"

"We haven't talked about this," David said, "But we should."

"So don't," she said, suddenly realizing what he was about to say.

"I'm probably going to die before you."

"I said don't..."

"It's true."

"But don't talk about it. Even now."

"I need to talk about it now. I'm twenty-seven years older than you, so I'll probably die before you."

"David, for fuck's sake..."

"So if you think of it as an investment of time and effort and love, you're getting the bad deal. You put the same effort in, but you get fewer years back."

"Stop it," she said. "I don't think about it like that."

"Because you aren't that calculating. So I will. Here's another thing. If we stay together, from here on in, we're ahead of everyone else who got to this point and separated."

"I thought we were staying together."

"We are. This is just talking. Every day we have from now on is extra. Other people would have stopped here, and we aren't going to, so we're both ahead. Both of us, not one of us giving the other more."

"Stop," she said. "I hate this."

"I'm not unhappy," David said. "I don't think this is a bad arrangement. Don't feel like I do."

"Okay."

"Now I've stopped."

Ashley sat there. "Don't talk about dying again," she said. "Okay?"

"All right."

"I really fucking love you," she said. "You know that, right? Like no-one I ever met before, and probably like I never will again. You're it. You're the one. And I'm an idiot and a selfish bitch, and you deserve better than me."

"You're not and I don't."

She shrugged.

"I love you too Ashley, I do."

"And this thing," she said. "I'll do my best. I'll do my utmost. I promise I'll try. And I promise that if I realize I'm about to fuck up again, I'll tell you. So you know the rules are changing. So you can decide if I'm still worth it, and what we do. Is that enough?"

He nodded.

"You can trust me," Ashley said. "If I make this promise, if I make any promise, I'll keep it."

"I know."

"I never said I wouldn't sleep with other people," she said. "You assumed, and it was reasonable to assume, but I never said it."

"I understand."

"All I did was not tell you when I should have, and that's not as bad."

"It's not."

"Okay," she said. "So we're going to do this? Make it like a rule?"

"If you want to. If you can stick to it."

"I can. Absolutely I can. Can you?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Then I'm promising you now. I won't sleep with any other men, ever again. No matter what."

He kissed her gently, said, "Thank you."

That was enough.

She sat there for a while, and hugged him, and pressed her face into his shoulder. It was right. They fit. They might make odd deals, but the were a good couple.

After a while she said, "Want to come to a strip club with me?"

He looked at her.

"Come on," she said. "If I'm going to sleep with chicks, I'd better make sure I actually like them."

He didn't answer.

"I'm serious," Ashley said. "It's weird and a bit creepy, but I think I'd like you to."

After a while, he grinned. "All right."

Chapter Two

Two years passed, and Ashley didn't sleep with anyone else.

She was busy with work. She had a full life. She had her deal, and that meant she didn't need to prove anything to herself, and she suspected sometimes that was what David intended all along. That the deal was an outlet, like a safety valve that would never actually be used.

She did look at women sometimes, and wonder, but she never did anything. She never met the right person, the one she wanted enough to make confronting the consequences worthwhile. Because there might be consequences, even now. She wasn't sure David would react as calmly as he thought he would, if she ever put him to the test.

When she did think about their deal, she didn't know what to think. Sometimes it made her seem selfish, and quite a horrible person. Someone who wanted her own way even if it hurt other people. Sometimes she thought it was a good thing. That she and David were both pragmatic, and this was a sensible solution to a problem that could have wrecked them, but instead had made their relationship stronger. She didn't know what to think, so usually she didn't think about it at all. They were still together, and she didn't think many other couples like them still would be, and that made it worthwhile.

Two years passed, and then Ashley was in a car accident, and suddenly everything was different.

*

Ashley was in her car, driving to work, and there was a truck in the lane next to her. She had been watching the truck because it was wobbling a bit, not staying on its side of the white line. It was rusty and dented, and had chipped paint, like it had hit a lot of things before. She could see the driver, up in the cab. He was on the phone, and seemed to be looking down at something inside the truck. He wasn't watching the road.

Ashley stopped for a red light, and the truck didn't.

Ashley had no time to think what to do.

She stopped, and the truck kept going. It hit a car coming the other way, spun that car into Ashley's, and braked then, far too late. Ashley noticed the brake lights come on just as she felt the thud of the other car hitting hers. She didn't hear anything, which was odd, just silence. She spun around, spun sideways, and wondered what was going to happen now.

She was calm. She was faintly surprised. She looked straight ahead, out her windscreen, and into the other car. There was a woman there looking back at her. A woman with short messy hair, short polished nails, and lots and lots of dark eye makeup. Stunning eyes. Eyes you noticed, even from the next car over, during an accident.

It was an odd thing to notice, Ashley thought, someone else's makeup and eyes, since they might both be about to die.

The woman in the other car was looking at Ashley too. She saw Ashley looking, and smiled. She seemed as surprised as Ashley was, as unhurt as Ashley was. She raised one hand in a slight wave.

They must both be in shock, Ashley decided. They were grinning at each other and waving as their cars spun around and around.

They spun several times, and Ashley stopped with a sudden crunch. That hurt, although the rest hadn't. She had hit a traffic light pole. She saw it coming towards her slowly, like it was slow motion, saw the door beside her elbow bulging inwards, saw the plastic lining buckle and crack. The window starred, then shattered into diamond flecks. The windscreen shattered too.

The airbags in her car went off and hid the view of the other car. She was still quite calm. She didn't think she'd made a sound through the whole thing.

Once her car had stopped moving, Ashley looked down and herself and decided she wasn't hurt. Her neck was sore, and one arm was too, where it had hit against the door.

She climbed out her car. The other car was twisted into hers, and the traffic light poles too. There were a little cluster of poles, holding lights facing different ways. Ashley had hit one, and the other car another. It looked pretty bad. The metal of both cars was crumpled like little balls of paper, their airbags out and windows gone.

Ashley was suddenly worried. She might have been lucky, and the other driver not. She took a step towards the other car, and then the door opened and the woman stepped out.

She didn't seem hurt either.

They looked at each other.

"Shit," Ashley said. "That was fun."

The woman grinned. "Are you okay?"

"I think so. But fuck."

The woman smiled. "Hold on." She got out a phone, dialed, said police, then that there'd been an accident, she didn't think anyone was badly hurt, but they'd need tow trucks and there was glass and shit all over the road.

Ashley was staring at her while she talked. At her eyes.

"Hey," the woman said. "What's up. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

"You look a bit odd. You're staring."

"You're beautiful," Ashley said. "You're fucking gorgeous."

"Ah, what?"

"Don't do that, you fucking are," Ashley said.

The other woman seemed to think about that. After a moment she held out her hand. "I'm Rose."

"Ashley."

They shook, and Ashley didn't want to let go. Rose tried to pull her hand free, and Ashley held on.

"I want you," Ashley said.

"You're hitting on me?" Rose said. "Now?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It kind of seems like it."

Ashley just stood there. She didn't know why she was acting like this. It wasn't like her, but she'd just had a shock, so perhaps that was why. She thought a little more. She did actually want Rose. She didn't know why, and she'd never thought it would actually come to this, but right now she wanted Rose.

She was wet. It was odd, and slightly icky, but she'd got wet touching Rose. Maybe it was the accident. Maybe it was the shock, and worrying she might die.

She wanted Rose, and she didn't even really know how she'd do anything about that.

She was still standing there, staring. Just assuming Rose would want her back.

She stopped and thought and realized how unlikely that probably was.

"Sorry," Ashley said. "I didn't mean..."

Rose shrugged.

"Sorry," Ashley said.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rose said. "You might have hit your head."

"I'm fine."

"No, I mean," Rose pointed to Ashley's face. "You have hit your head. You've got blood on you."

Ashley lifted a hand, and touched her forehead. It felt wet. She rubbed two fingers together, looked down, saw blood. She could taste it in her mouth, too, now she thought about it. Her bag was still in her car, so she used the cuff of her shirt to dab at her cheek.

"Sit down," Rose said.

After a moment, Ashley did. Rose held her arm, helped her down. She sat beside her car, and leaned on the door.

The truck driver came running up. "Are you okay..."

"Fuck off mate," Rose said, without looking away from Ashley.

"I just..."

"Fuck off. Go stand over there."

"I..."

"Go."

"You don't need to be a cunt," the driver said.

Rose turned around, and walked over to him. She said something quietly, something soft and vicious that made the driver walk away, looking ill.

She came back and knelt beside Ashley.

"What did you say?" Ashley said.

"Nah, nothing much. Told him he shouldn't be talking to us, that he'll have to deal with the police and insurance people and any contact now makes him look bad."

"He was just checking we were okay."

"Yeah, I know," Rose said, "But he almost killed us both, and I'm so angry I could fucking smack him into the head or something. He was on the phone as he came through the light. I don't think he even saw me."

Ashley realized Rose was a bit pale too, that one of her hands was shaking. "Maybe you should sit down too."

"I'm okay," Rose said, then changed her mind and did.

She sat next to Ashley, and leaned on Ashley's car too.

Ashley took her hand, and held it. Rose let her, squeezed for a moment.

"I meant what I said," Ashley said.

"Good."

"I think I meant what I said."

Rose looked at her and grinned.

Ashley knew she was behaving oddly, and she wasn't sure why. She had a crush, or she'd had a scare, or something.

Perhaps she wanted to make use of the deal before she died, and had suddenly realized that dying could happen any time.

Perhaps she just wanted Rose and her eyes.

Ashley looked around. Cars were stopping It was a main road, two lanes, no houses nearby, just high fences. The truck driver was standing a little way away, watching. He was in the middle of the road, and didn't seem to know what to do. He was still holding his phone in one hand, but he didn't seem to have actually used it to get help. Ashley could smell tar and car exhaust and could hear a bird. She could hear people talking, but it all seemed far away.

She looked around. A few people were watching her, but didn't seem to be doing anything. Sitting in their cars, or standing beside open doors.

Ashley didn't know what to do either. She watched the sky instead. It was blue. It was a warm day. There were a few clouds.

She heard sirens, getting closer. A police car stopped, and started organizing people.

"I'll go talk to them," Rose said, and stood up.

There was another siren in the distance. Ashley felt tired. She felt relieved for some reason, now the police were here. Someone would be in charge and organize things. She closed her eyes. She could remember how calm Rose had seemed through the windscreen. How calm she had felt. She missed that serene moment, just sitting there spinning around. Life seemed more complicated now. Her face hurt, and her arm hurt, and she wasn't sure why she was behaving so strangely.

After a while she heard a radio nearby, and someone was touching her shoulder, asking if she was all right. A man, asking her name. She told him. She looked up, straight ahead, and saw another police officer talking to the truck driver.

"It was his fault," Ashley said. "The truck's. Don't believe him."

"It's okay," the nearer cop said. "We can worry about that later."

An ambulance arrived, and they made Ashley move, and sit in the back. The paramedics shone torches in her eyes and asked if she was okay. They seemed to be worried about concussion. Ashley said she hadn't hit her head, and the ambulance people said that didn't matter, she had an injury to her face, and besides, she might not remember hitting her head. They said it like they had arguments like this with pretty much everyone they talked to.

They wanted to take her to hospital, but Ashley said no, she was fine, just get her a taxi and she'd go to work.

They weren't sure, but she insisted. She said she'd just got glass or something on her face and it had stopped bleeding.

A tow-truck turned up and someone came and asked if she wanted her car taken away. She said yes, take it. She went and got her bag, and some papers she needed for a meeting, and her suit jacket. She couldn't think of anything else she needed urgently. The tow truck driver gave her a piece of paper saying where the car was going.

A taxi turned up, and stopped across the other side of the road, away from the broken glass.

Rose was still with the police, talking. She seemed to have everything under control.

Ashley went over and said, "Hey, I have a meeting. I need to go."

One of the cops said that was okay, they'd just need her name. Ashley gave them her card, gave one to Rose too and said, "Phone me, okay?"

Rose said she would.

"Do," Ashley said. "Seriously," and Rose nodded.

Ashley wanted to say something more. That she meant what she'd said, that she didn't know how they'd fuck but she wanted to try, something to make sure Rose understood what Ashley was offering.

She wanted to tell her that, but she didn't say a word. There were cops nearby, listening, and a paramedic too.

"Please do," Ashley said, and went and got in the taxi.

*

Ashley went to work. She had blood on her sleeve and a cut on her face, and got a bit of attention. She sent Mia, her assistant out for a new shirt, because she'd already worn the spares she had in her office. She sat down at her desk for a moment, then decided she'd better go and see David before someone told him she'd been in a car wreck and he panicked.

She went to her door, and heard David coming. He got loud when he was worried. He was arguing with his PA, arguing with anyone who got in his way, with the whole world. She loved him. She really loved him. He hugged her and kissed her then suddenly looked horrified and moved back and asked if she was okay. She was. Her ribs were bruised from the seatbelt, and she'd thumped her knee on the dashboard so it hurt to walk, but that was all.

David seemed worried. He asked if she wanted the day off, if she needed to sit down. She said no, she had a meeting at eleven, that she'd be fine.