All Comments on 'Awoken'

I believe this to be a fabulous story. Great job.

Think about how your story developed; he hasn't seen his sister in 8 months, but there's no prior history of involvement, no thoughts or fantasies about her, no fooling around before he went away; he comes home, and a couple of hours later they're fucking like a pair of mink. Okay, he's horny after not having any for several months, but surely there could have been some build-up, some reluctance on his part, gradually giving way against the escalating tease from her over a couple of days to make the finale all that more erotic; they have a whole week, after all.

As it stands, he came home from college and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to fuck his suddenly hot sister, so he did. End of story.

This could have been longer and more "slow-burn", it would have been far more effective if the build-up had taken place over a few days, his reluctance gradually eroding away and giving way instead to heated arousal, to make the eventual seduction all the more erotic and climactic.

As a first-time author here I applaud you; it does take nerve to put your work out here and hope like hell that people like me don't rip it to shreds, and for that reason, along with the standard of writing, I give you 4 stars; it should have been 5, but the rush to get to the sex knocked one star off. Still an extremely good story, though, all the right elements are there, and in the right order, it's just a pity it was all over so quickly.

Please do write some more, I thoroughly enjoyed your story, with the caveats I mentioned above, and I think you have the potential to quickly grow into one of the favourite authors here. All you need to do is pace yourself.

That was a good first story . Hope to see another from you .4 out of 5

The previous comment about the sex needing more buildup is absolutely right. You can write stories about hot fucking, or you can write stories about love. You were trying to write a love story but it developed as a story about hot sex. And it was hot!

The previous comment about editing was incorrect. "Her words did nothing but spurn Matt on . . .." Spurn = reject, rebuff, scorn. I know this is not what you meant. "Jen felt her pulse quicken as she saw his wide and long Matt's cock was." You edited a phrase but didn't pay attention to the whole sentence. Initially, sister was on top of brother in her swimsuit, then she was in her panties: lack of continuity.

You're writing is definitely of a quality that merits encouragement. An editor (you can get a free editor through this site) can help you with these errors. If you were an experienced author, I would only give you 4 stars but, because of your inexperience, I gave you 5 stars.

Please get an editor and please keep writing.

I liked your story. Yes, you could have put in more build-up but you seized on their long-held attraction for each other finally getting the chance to manifest itself.

It was a good story; as someone else said, real quick to jump to the sex (although having the parents out of town was nice). A little more attention to detail (when did she lose her bottoms, etc) would move this to the "great" category.

Literotica has volunteer editors available, you might benefit from running your work past them next time.

All in all, a good first work!

It should not be so TABOO! Siblings seem to fight from birth on, so it is nice when they can put aside the battles and fall in true physical love with someone who has really been in love with them for their/your whole life.

Nice original first story.

To me; writing is about pictures and feelings aroused within the reader. I bought the story and let it run free in my mind. I like this story in spite of the minor glitches already pointed out. I gave you a five rating (perfect) because of the story. I know you will improve the minor imperfections and continue to kick ass.

RS

A great first story! Good details for the most part. I picture Matt as a dark-haired young man, perhaps with just the beginnings of silky chest hair across the center of the chest, perhaps swirling around his pecs. That sight makes a young man SO sexy. Gives his sister something to play with when they're in bed too!

You were obviously in a rush to publish this story as it was lacking in editing. I agree with SmallTitFan, you definitely need help from an editor, especially if you are not going to take the time to proofread before hitting submit. Try to read the story outloud, to yourself, after each paragraph. Then walk away for a couple of hours, at least, then reread the story with fresh eyes -- forget what you think you wrote down, just read what is on the screen as it appears. If that does not help, get an editor, or just get an editor regardless.

As for the story line itself, you need to follow it up with two or more chapters. Might be interesting to see how they continue this affair after the parents get home.

Do you know what pronouns are?

Romance as well,

thanks

I do not understand the vitriolic rant by the spineless anon.

You told a really good story here, but it would have been better had you had a proofreader or an editor.There are volunteer editors available through Lit.

Look up the meaning of the word, spurn!!

Well I didnt need a back story, and I SURE as fuck don't want a bunch of 'reluctance on his part', I mean, o.m.f.g.m., that gets sooooo fucking old, the brother being a pussy-assed, whiny, angst ridden, conflicted wuss trying to play off all morally correct when he's burning to dick his sister and she wants it. Gawd that is so old and tired as a plot modifier! ...and nobody *actually* says 'but your my sister' or 'your my cousin', hah! What they say is 'but what if we get caught?' 'What about protection?' And 'are you really sure? i dont want you weirding out on me tomorrow, we'll still be best friends, right?'

Yeah, it was a bit rushed. Still enjoyed it! YES, it needed fucking editing, lol. Not really ragging on the author, but wtf? Virtually every computer on the planet has some sort of program with spell check on it, assuming you're too lazy to look back over your work when you're done ;)

Anyway, keep writing!! ...there, I've gotten my daily bitch out of the way! Heh.

Well I see there are a lot of critics on this site and that is putting me off sending my stories. I got so into your story that i wished I was there in his place, madly pumping his sister.

Well from me, I say very hot and I hope to read more like this.

you ass would know a good story if it hit you in the face....

If this is my daughter you are in for a world of hurt you piece of shit. Your story sucks and so do you. My daugther is Jame. She sure as fuck had better not be the Jane in the story. If she iss..

delete both stories and rewrite them PROPERLY, adding background and character development as well as a better plot. find a good editor and do a total rewrite and never post a story without going through a good editor FIRST.

I don't know if you read these comments anymore.

your story is basically good, in my opinion's you only need a bit more background story about you're characters, there life and familiarity...

I give it 5.

This story reminds me of when I was 20 years younger. When I used to fuck my beautiful sister Cheryl. We fucked like rabbits for about 10 years. We even had friends join us. There was nothing better than eating my cum or the cum from my black friend Sam from Cheryl's hot pussy. Great story I got so turned on while reading this I shot a huge load of cum into my open mouth. Tasty.

Wow Just awsome

The story was enjoyable! ...it could use a rewrite though to fix all the errors; missing words, wrong words, etc.

Thanks for writing!!

This story really clicked for me. Nicely written. Love abounds.

So good to read a story that flows and it's so believable.

This is a first rate beginning to what may well be a successful career as an author. Sure a bit of editing would polish things up a bit but I will bet that the doom sayers could not write anything as well. Their comments are certainly not very literate. Anyway, keep it up.

Ordinary.

I enjoyed it. After all it's just a story and it slid along smoothly getting hotter and hotter. I would encourage you to write more and not pay any attention to the critics. Thanks for sharing.

Authentic hot brother-sister fun.

I can relate to what happened, & of course that is the beginning of continuous loving.

It was a very good story, but a little more time in proof reading would have been apropos. More? Please?

Takes me back to when I was a hormone-raged teen and slept with my brother when dad was gone for the weekend. He fingered me, licked me then fucked me with his huge thick cock, then spurted what seemed like bucketfuls of his cock cum all over me! I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that!

Excellent.... Even though it is a very common story you did it well. BUT, if you don't write another chapter with a good ending, anyone with imagination could put a bad ending to their love.

Her bikini bottom transformed into panties, just like magic. Not bad, but almost no build up. 4*

Fair enough story but they didn't mention the taboo until they fucked...

No problem during foreplay but then suddenly realization when he was going to put his dick inside her... Kind of humorous to me...

4 stars...