Between The Lines Ch. 03

He was long retired, though – I'd guess he was in his eighties by this time (although his 'age' was one of the very few taboo subjects when you were in his company), but still bright as a button. It took me a bit of time to find him. His address was in the phone book, but I wasn't familiar with the area and I managed to get lost a couple of times before I finally parked up in front of a neat little semi-detached house – the only one in the street which had the front garden paved over.

When he opened the front door, he stared at me for a few moments until recognition dawned, then:

"Fuckin' Hell! Jack de Ladd! What are you doin' here? I haven't seen you for... come in, come in!" And then, as I followed him down a short hallway and into his living room, "If I knew you were coming...."

"You'd have baked a cake?" I suggested.

"No... I'd have hidden all my old scripts to stop you nickin' any gags!" Obviously, some things weren't easily forgotten.

"You're still male, then?" I grinned as I settled into a chair, reminding him of a joke we'd shared many years ago, "Still can't afford the operation?"

"What would be the point?" he answered, "I'd still be seeing an old cunt when I looked in the mirror, wouldn't I?"

Jimbo made a pot of tea and opened a pack of assorted biscuits – with an admonition to leave the 'jammie dodgers' for him. To begin with, we chatted about old times; about people we'd known and things we'd seen until, after a while, he sat back and said;

"Okay, Jack... you haven't come to see me just to shoot the shit like this... what are you after?"

I took a deep breath and told him, "I'm interested in porn, Jimbo."

"Don't worry... it'll pass when you get to my age," he couldn't resist a line like that, but he went on, "D'you want to be more specific?"

"From about ten years ago, Jimbo," I told him, "made at the Harold Smith studio."

"Studio? It was a fuckin' farmhouse down the Watford Road. He called it Ellstree Studios – with a double 'L' so he wouldn't get sued. Has this got something to do with your missus?"

As I said, he may have been getting old but there was nothing wrong with his mind or his memory.

"Ex-wife, Jimbo," I said firmly, "and, yes... in a way. But I'm more interested in a lady named Millie von Koch. Do you remember her at all?"

Why was I asking a gay, female impersonator about such things, you might well ask?

I'd better explain. One of the things that identified Smith's porn movies was that there was always some kind of 'comic relief' interspersed with the action. At that time, Jimbo's star was definitely on the wane; at his best, he'd spent a couple of years appearing in a sitcom on national TV but things had gone downhill very rapidly for him after that. From good quality cabaret, he'd gone to strip clubs and second-rate nightclubs; hitting the bottle, and taking drugs to 'enhance' his performance. Things had really hit the fan when one of his 'paramours' had turned out to be a month or so below the legal age of consent. His former fame had taken him into the headlines on a particularly slow news day so that, even though he got off with a fine and probation, his career was effectively over.

He became a regular in Smith's movies – always playing the excessively 'camp' observer making dry comments on the characters involved in the action. At the time, I'd offered him a chance to appear as a guest on a fairly decent gig I'd been booked to do, but he'd politely turned me down, told me he was past it, and thanked me for being a genuine friend for asking.

"Millie von Koch?" he mused, "the name rings a bell, but... wait a minute! Yes... I remember her! She was only in one film, though." Then his eyes closed for a minute or so as he tried to drag something from the filing cabinet of his memory.

"Yes... that's right!" he suddenly declared. "She was young... probably about 19 or 20... quite tall... and absolutely gorgeous!" I raised my eyebrows at that, and he smiled; "I may be as bent as a fuckin' corkscrew, Jack... but it doesn't stop me appreciating genuine beauty. I remember it was her first venture into acting... she was nervous... very nervous. But it only took a few seconds to know that the camera loved her. You know what I mean? God... yes! It's all coming back to me now.

"I was there for the first day... we had a scene where I was the butler and she was the maid. We had to bring your missus... sorry, your 'ex' ...and some stud or other into the room. Then there was a bit of wordplay which ended with me taking the guy off somewhere – obviously 'with intent.' The gag was that, throughout the film, the stud kept trying to get away from me and I kept dragging him off for more! It actually worked quite well!"

"And Millie?" I reminded him.

"Oh, yes... well she stayed on camera with Daly and seduced her. I tell you what, though, Jack... that girl could really act. No disrespect, but she made your ex look like the beginner in that scene. I mean, I'm not talking about the sex – that was pretty much simulated stuff because Daly wasn't keen on that kind of thing. No... it was the way she looked so natural and the way she handled the dialogue. I think all of us were impressed."

"So what happened?"

"I dunno! I came back the next day and she was gone. I don't know what happened, but I heard they'd tried to get her to do things she wasn't prepared to do. In one way, it was a shame because she would have been a star... no doubt about that! At the same time, I have to admit she was too good for the kind of seedy porn we were making. Have you any idea what happened to her, Jack."

"No... I was hoping you might know."

He waited... obviously hoping for an explanation, but I simply said that the name had come up in connection with something else. I wasn't prepared to tell him that I was trying to help Penny by finding out about the person who'd been recommended for the lead in her script. He wasn't satisfied, of course, but he knew better than to push me over it and we soon changed the subject. He told me that, on one of his rare evenings out, he'd been to see me perform a year or so earlier and enjoyed it but....

"But what?"

"By the time you came out for your third set I could tell you'd been having a drink. Don't get me wrong, Jack... I'm sure the audience couldn't tell... but I could."

"It was a phase, Jimbo," I told him, "I'm over it now."

"Make sure you are, Jack. You're a good performer. And I don't know whose material you're nicking nowadays, but it's not half bad!"

"Piss off, you old fart!" I laughed and he grinned at me, then he said;

"I know you were always fond of the old American comedians, weren't you?" and when I nodded, he went on, "I remember you slipping in a few of their lines when you were younger; Groucho, Burns, Milton Berle?" I squirmed a bit, but I couldn't deny it.

"D'you know who was the best of them all, Jack?"

"Go on!"

"Jack Benny! And you know why?" he saw the look on my face so he explained; "he wasn't afraid of silence. He had perfect timing... most of them did... but Jack Benny knew how to 'milk' a joke more than anyone I've ever seen.

"I saw him one time... he told the gag and the audience laughed... then he waited. Then he sort of folded his arms... and they laughed some more. Then he slapped his hand against his face... and they laughed again. Then he turned side on to the audience and shrugged... and they were rolling in the aisles!

"D'you know how long he did that for? More than five minutes, Jack! One gag... not even a particularly brilliant one... and he had them falling about for more than five minutes! That's genius, Jack. That's true comic genius!"

"He was a one-off," I said, "But what you made you...."

"Because that's what you need," he interrupted. "You need to conquer the fear of silence, Jack. You've got the timing, you've got decent-enough gags... but you need to give the punters time... you need to add to the punch lines. I'm not saying you'll ever be as good as he was, don't get me wrong... but you need to get more from your material. In fact, if you... Stark Whores!"

"What?"

"The film we were talking about! It was called 'Stark Whores!' Just wait there a minute, Jack!" And he was off to rummage in his souvenirs.

*

7.

An hour or so later I was pulling up in the gravel of the driveway I'd left earlier. There was no screech of brakes and I barely disturbed the surface but, by the time I'd switched off the engine, Mason was opening the door for me.

"I'm afraid there's nothing prepared, Sir" he said, "I didn't know what time you'd be back and...."

"No problem, Mason," I replied, "Actually, something's come up and I need to get to the railway station...."

"Just let me know when you're ready, sir, and I'll take you there."

I thanked him and hurried up the stairs to pack my things. It didn't take long and he was busy in the kitchen when I came back down. He paused in the task of skinning a couple of rabbits with an evil looking knife. He looked at me, then at the bag, and then at me again. I thought he was going to say something but, whatever it was, he decided against it. He quickly, and very efficiently, finished his job, disposed of whatever wasn't needed and put the rest in the fridge before washing his hands and saying;

"I'm ready, now if you are, Mr de Ladd?"

We went back out to the drive and climbed into the Passat again. It was clear that he wanted to say something as we drove towards the station, so I said:

"We're alone, Mason. Say what you want to say... no one's ever going to know."

At first, he held his peace but then, with a sigh, he finally said:

"You saw what I did to those rabbits, Mr de Ladd? Well... let me tell you something; Miss Pendlebury is a delightful young lady. Both my wife and I have a very much higher opinion of her than we do of any other member of her family. I happen to think that you're a decent gentleman... but I want to tell you that if you ever do anything to hurt that young lady, I'll treat you the same way I treated those rabbits – except that you won't be dead when I do it!"

"Wow!" I finally answered, noting that both his face and voice were completely expressionless and there was no doubt that he meant exactly what he'd said. "Thank heavens for that! For a moment, I thought you were going to threaten me with something nasty, Mason!"

He responded with a tight smile that, somehow, seemed scarier than anything he'd said - and the rest of the journey passed in silence. I bought my ticket and boarded the train less than fifteen minutes later.

It was quiet and I had the carriage more or less to myself. It was just as well, really, because I would not have wanted anyone to see the tears that slid down my cheeks for most of the journey. I cried over what I'd learned that day – things I hadn't expected and didn't want to know.

Most of all though, I cried for the large envelope I'd left on Penny's dressing table: the one with the words 'EXCLUSIVELY HONEST?' scrawled on it. The one that held a picture of Millie von Koch living up to her name by sucking on a man's erection – or should I say, the picture of a very young 'Penny' Pendlebury!