All Comments on 'Blaine'

I actually really enjoyed your story. Like you said, there are some grammar errors and some parts that may need a little revising. But it was good! Good luck and continue...

A great surprise a cold morning. A very good start that has me longing for more. Please don't leave us hanging to long. There was some grammar mistakes, but the quality of the story made up for that. 5 well earned stars =)

For a first story, Blaine is an excellent read. Your writing style is captivating and the world you've created is wonderful.

My only criticism is about your grammar and spelling. Perhaps an editor can help with that. Other than that, keeping up the good writing. I look forward to reading chapter 2.

Love and Light

Khepri

Splendiferous! Appart from some grammar and spelling, this was an absolutely amazing story! I cant wait for chapter 2 so dont leave us hanging! :D

I'm now Addicted to this story line I hope chapter 2 is as good thanks

JasperBlaze

Great story, please keep writing. You most definitely need to proof read because you switched up names and words all over the place. This is an awesome first story and I can't wait for more from you. Please just read it out loud or find a proof reader!

Brilliant for a first story. I can't wait for chapter two and much more from you

your story has potential, but I think it is disturbing how you call Blaine a small boy all the time. What is he, five?

Really enjoyed the opening of your story and I'm looking forward to the next installment. Yeah, you need to clean up your act with the spelling and grammar, but it didn't push me out of the narrative. And the anonymous comment worrying about Blaine being a little kid--you established that he was driving age at the very beginning, but then some people don't really pay attention to what they're reading, do they? I'll be watching for the next chapter.

IS THERE MORE TO THIS

Great concept, great characters, great storytelling. Get yourself an editor to clean up grammar and story inconsistencies and you are well on your way! Also: thanks for a nice LONG story. :o) I know it was a lot work. I look forward to your next post!

It is really good and i like the concept of the story, you are very good and despite some mistakes i was still able to follow the story, it was nice and long which i like, i can't wait to read what happens next, I knew Rixon could not be trusted, i hope it will not be a long wait because i cannot wait to get lost in your story again, keep up writing and i promise to keep reading!!

For a first story you did great! I'm very invested in this, lol, so I really hope there is more coming soon. *Grin* 8 Lit pgs is a LOT, lol, and to keep our interest through that many pages means you have a good, solid concept. Can't wait for more. :)

Really enjoyable read. If you're looking for an editor/proofreader, I'd be happy to help.

this is a really awesome story. I'm very much looking forward to reading more.

That was a nice story and it has the potential to become a good series...you should get an editor however, then your story would be perfect :-)

I thoroughly enjoyed your story….it was engaging , exciting and long which I like….hope the next chapter will be out soon……

xD sorry i just had to do that! This is awesome! Loveee it! Hehe can't wait to find out more. I thought you had more experience than your first writing ;) Really great work!

Literotica isn't the best place to look for a great, long story with an amazing plot, but you've proved me wrong. I can't wait for the second chapter!

I really appreciate the positive feedback so far. I will definitely post the second chapter. I'm about halfway done with it. I'll get an editor this time, so that may delay it. Two weeks max! Keep the comments coming, I really love 'em. Got some interesting stuff planned with this story, I can't wait to get it all out.

Any editors that like the story and want to volunteer just let me know! I might not get back to you immediately because I'm not at home but I'll grab my laptop within a couple of days.

LOTS OF LOVE

Amazing story!! I absolutely loved every but of it. Can't wait to read more of your work!

I refer to Blaine as "Little one" or, the "smaller boy" purely by size comparison. As a commenter has mentioned, he is of driving age, and I did mention he had graduated school years ago. Just wanted to clear that up.

Do apologize for the grammar and typos. I can't proof read my own stuff because I just read it how I know it's supposed to be!

Kept me very engaged..... Was a little lost in the last section... Thought it was a funeral scene until the last few words.... Can't wait to read more....

The last bit was actually supposed to come off the way you took it, I'm glad it actually seemed like it though, I was a little worried it wouldn't.

I was hooked on your story and didn't want to leave their world until the cliffhanger was resolved. Really great job. A few tips if you're open to them. 1) In the sex/love scenes pay particular attention to the names of who is doing what to who. I think you had Caio kissing himself while giving himself a blowjob for a sec there. (Well why wouldn't you if you could but.. )

2) You began describing Blaine as very independant and heroic saving the "boy" who was being chased but he soon shrunk into "little one", which is where I think some readers began to wonder. In short, you emasculated your character (unintentionally I am sure but nevertheless this resulted in him seeming infantalised) To see a character go from being hero to victim to hero again without that happening, still allowing them size differentials and even who is on the giving and receiving end check out CADE. That story allows the character to go through a similar overwhelming experience without being infantalised.

3) Just a minor thing but when introducing so many characters, you do need to give them a little more airtime so we care about them when they die or are hurt and they don't just become collateral damage around our heroes. You did this well with Alejandro but not so well with Maryn.

this was a great story, spelling mistakes be dammed , the ending surprised me but it was a good surprise, keep up the good work , cant wait for part 2

This one was great. Thanks for sharing this. I hope you can find editor and beta reader, cause it will be a waste for your great gift if you don't have one

Alright, guys. I've been taking your comments into consideration. I will get an editor, don't worry. And I will cut back on the "little one" stuff, because I wasn't that fond of it either. But the flip-flopping from hero to victim, you'll just have to live with. The whole thing was Blaine was more confident and knowledgeable in his world, but in the new world, he's just starting to learn. And I've said before, it was my first story. But if it bothers you too much, then I've given you fair warning that the flip-flopping will most likely continue.

I love stories on lit that are actual stories, and not just unrealistic fuck fests. That being said, your sex scenes were good (the previously mentioned name thing aside) and I think that the amount of sex fit the storyline. I love your world, it is caring, exciting and fantastic! Keep up the great writing, I can't wait for the next part.

I feel like Caio is more of a dom so calling Blaine little one seems cute.. x.x

Now I just have to get an editor to clean it all up for me, and maybe tweak a few things if needed. Definitely don't have to wait as long as I thought I'd be making you! I'll give you my last update when I finally submit it.

And very glad there's a second chapter. You had me pulled in from the first. Except for some minor grammar issues, this was excellent.

I had trouble finding an editor that wasn't busy, or willing to work on such a lengthy story. So I proof-read it multiple times myself, and ran it through spell-check a few times. Hopefully I caught most of it. If not, then I'll definitely wait it out for the next chapter. 72 hours guys!

For a first story, you have done exceeding well. Congradulations! Your story does need some cosmetic tweeking, but the spirit is there buring brightly! Looking forward to the next chapter! Good luck.

I had a little trouble visualizing the people in the story,you call everyone boy,small boy and blaine often little one,so i have no idea how old these people are suppose to be or rather how old they are suppose to look,teenagers,twenty-somethings? And then how old the other people like gall or joseph are suppose to be in relation to that.

As title says it who is him? Maybe im a bit sleepy reading this but is he Joseeph? so i suggest for a third story u settle down on names...also pls make sure that each action is attributed to the right character as it gets confusing trying to figure out who did whar. Other then minor details the story is great

Writing such a long story with lots of people (including 'non-human' or magical creatures) and a hefty plot is quite impressive for a debut. But you really need to watch the inconsistencies and read through your work again or get someone else to do it (as other readers have already pointed out).

My main question would be: if warlock and vampires cannot live together normally, why isn't Caio surprised and worried when he learns that Blaine is a warlock? And yes I know we get the explanation very soon that he is also half vampire, but still.

Using a spell checker is not enough, because you have a number of places where you have used correctly spelt but wrong words. Somebody else pointed out eyebrows instead of elbows in chp 2, but you also have piece of death instead of peace of death. And in this chapter I've noted:

sole instead of soul

paste instead of pace

postpone his hips instead of position his hips (maybe, I had difficulty working it out)

please instead of pleasure

his instead of him

and you leave out words, which sometimes changes the meaning completely, e.g. about Blaizin: 'he had Blaine' instead of 'he had taught Blaine' - two very different things !

I can see that you are taking suggestions and comments seriously, which says a lot about your potential to improve. So I wish you luck with writing and look forward to reading more.

This first story, I absolutely enjoyed. Okay sure you had some grammar issues and reference issues but the idea as a whole with the elements used. That was an awesome read. And yes there were some corny bits but I think with how laid out it jigsawed into place. Had all my favorite elements rugged latino, vampires warlocks and werewolves. I look forward reading more of your stuff preferably minus the reference and grammar issues ;).

I don't really like paranormal love stories, but this was like nothing I have ever read. It was not convoluted with paranormal jargon. Simply well written! It was so good I swore I was watching the movie version in my head while I read. I was reading with gluttony because everything flowed and was action packed. WOW! You are a great writer. I came upon this by chance and was not disappointed for one moment. I was scared and apprehensive in reading the end thinking Caio was dead. Your writing style at the end had me feeling three different emotions at once. I was scared, hopeful and sad and then I smiled and laughed when all worked out well!!! This story made my day!! You and your story are now in my favorites!! LOL GREAT JOB!!!! This is fit to be published just as is!

I actially really like this book I would of def purchased it off amazon, I hope you make another one I feel it could more in the series

I know this was your first story, but there were quite a few mistakes in this. I really enjoyed the story and characters, but it needs revision. For one, sometimes you changed Joseph's name to Stephen. Another, you changed the spelling on some of the characters names throughout. Some general spelling issues. I really hope you can fix this up so you can publish it. Good Luck with future stories.