Breaking the Rules of Sex & Marriage

What I am saying it that I've read a lot of feedback letters from women who tell me theyhave gained a lot of weight and mean to take it off soon and are waiting for…something to motivate them. They've had the same hairstyle since 1985. Their idea of dressing up is a cleaner pair of jeans or new sweat suit, and then wonder why their husbands don't seem interested in sex anymore. You realize, I'm sure, that the other women he sees every day are at their best. Made up, lips shining, dressed for work. Then the only way he may see you is dressed down, no makeup, folding laundry. I know a lot of women who look just fine with no makeup, but you get my point. Same for guys. You're walking around belching and farting, two days growth of beard and the same tighty-whitey underwear you wore in junior high school, only faded. How can she resist you?

You want to make a dent in that sex life? Looking your best from time to time reminds your spouse why he/she found you attractive in the first place. What's even better is when other people notice you. It's a big ego boost and gets your spouse thinking, "hmmm, maybe they're right…"

I'm suggesting you buck the "Why Bother?" rule. I'm telling him that if he shaves, combs his hair, puts on a dab of cologne and takes her out to dinner in his new shirt shewill notice. And if she wears her hair a different way, updates those old glasses, puts on some eye makeup and…I can go on and on…he'll definitely notice. The eye makeup is a biggie by the way. Most models' eyes are made up to the hilt, because eyes are one of the sexiest parts of a female. Lastly, don't get me wrong – looks are most certainly not everything. But I'm not talking about your looks, how attractive a person you are. To me, that's totally subjective. I think some swimsuit models look like concentration camp victims – way to thin for my taste. I'm talking about how youfeel about the way you look, and how your spouse feels about it. If you honestly feel good about yourself, that's all that counts. If not, getting to work on that will do a lot to raise your self-esteem, and that's sexy.

Tonight's the night. You're sure of it. You've waited a week, two weeks, whatever it is. You're so horny you could fuck a stuffed animal. Yeah, you want it so much, it hurts. You've been acting nice, even loving, despite being frustrated by unrequited desire. And then, just as the day or evening begins to wind down and you can almost feel that tingle in your genitals, what happens? You have a stupid, silly argument and all your plans go awry. You didn't start it, and you did your best to avoid it. But there it is, and you know most people don't have sex when they're mad at each other. Talk about frustration! Is it a mere coincidence that on the night you were planning on having sex an argument popped up out of nowhere and nothing just to spoil your plans?

I can't answer that question with authority, but I often wonder. I know it must happensometimes. Ican say with complete certainty that your spouse will look at you like you have two heads if you even suggest that they started a meaningless argument for the purpose of avoiding sex. Then again, who would admit to it? My wife will be denying me sex for even suggesting such a thing. See what I do for you?

Purely for scientific purposes, though, try this test. No matter what, no matter how they try to draw you in, get your blood up, cause a disruption, don't bite. Tell them, "you may have a point, I'm going to think about that?" Or, "I understand what you're saying, and I can't argue the point." In other words, you're not agreeing with something that you'll be sorry for later, you're just deferring the argument. If they keep pressing, keep trying to get your goat, do you have your answer? I think you do.

Are you and your lover on the same wave length? If you feel that the time is near for explosive sex – hot, wet, fluid swapping, ass slapping, leather wearing, dirty talking – OK, sorry,any sex – does your lover know it? Do the two of you have ESP? I actually believe that some couples do have this synergy. But for others, their methodology is to assume or even hope their spouse feels that same way at the same time. Is that working out for you? Let me put it another way, what do you think the odds are?

But again, it's an unwritten law of marriage that you can't actually whisper in her ear when she's near you, "I'd love to slam you like a car wreck tonight…" And she can't get close to you and breath, "I'm going to suck your cock later like it's covered with honey and I'm a hungry bear…" Why not?

Do you have any idea how much of a turn on it is to be at dinner with people and your lover whispers in your ear, "I'm going to get you naked later and eat you like a Fig Newton?" I do. It doesn't suck. Try it. At the very least, it's fun to watch them lose their concentration and forget what they were saying.

The point I'm about to make may be the most important of the entire column. If you take one piece of advice from this article, other than to make sure you guys out there wash your cock between anal and vaginal sex – did I write that yet? – it is the one I'm about to make. It can change your perspective and your relationship, it's that powerful.

Everything seems better when it's from your youth, right? The food you ate, the car you drove, the places you went, the friends you had. It always seems like the good old days were so much better than perhaps they really were. The fact is that you're probably making more money, driving a nicer car and eating at better places than you ever did when you were a kid. The problem is, they all come with a price tag called responsibility, which is why it all seemed so much better back in the day.

Yes, time is like spackle for the memory. It smoothes over the rough spots and leaves only a clean and perfect surface. Nowhere is this more evident than with the old flame syndrome.

Has your spouse ever talked about their old girlfriend or boyfriend? What a great lover they were, what a great listener. How affectionate and attentive. Oh, all the wonderful things they did in bed. How can your sex life ever compare? One small point though…you guessed it, they married you.

What hasn't been brought up was the all-night fights, the jealousy, the unreliability, incompatibility, disloyalty, laziness and sloppiness. She cried when she didn't get her way. He had a fit when he wasn't in control. Her PMS turned her into a monster. His future included late night drinking with his old buddies. They cheated on you.

You forgot these things? Yes, it's incredible how time seems to obscure all the reasons youdidn't marry your old flame.

And here is this person thatdid commit to you.Did have faith in you.Did remain loyal to you. Do you think you owe them a little something? I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip around the world here. All I'm saying is that the past relationships you've had don't mean beans any more. They're in the past for a reason. Focus on what you've got in front of you. Stop wasting your time and energy and make the best of your relationship. You may be shocked what ahuge improvement this one point can make.

Oh boy, this one. The letter starts, "I just loved your piece on oral sex. But my lover is just not a sexual person. What can I do to make them desire me and want sex more?" These letters make me want to cry, because the answer is not a great one.

The true answer would be, "Well, turn back the hands of time to about six months before you got married. You were engaged, you were in love, you were planning a life and future together. This was the time when, hopefully, you were as tuned in and turned on to that person as you ever would be.

How was the sex? If it was great, and over the years has lost is luster, I believe there is a hope and a way to regain much of it. If it never was all that good, the chances of a recovery are…not as good. You can't recover something you never had. You can not, in my estimation, transform an inherently non-sexual person, someone who is not nor has ever been highly motivated by sex and sexual gratification, into the dynamo you'd like them to be.

In the first case, where the sparks once flew and the flame burned hot, I feel you can rekindle it with things like time alone, getaway weekends, romantic dinners, erotic role-playing, films and literature, etc. You have to get back to the place you once were, if even from time to time. I totally believe that, in the absence of factors beyond my knowledge, such as loss of attraction, loss of interest, significant marital difficulties, health, family problems and the long list of life's grave difficulties, couples who have fallen out of the swing of things can regain their rhythm.

For the others I also believe there is indeed still a chance to awaken the slumbering inner desires that never fully developed. Long-term marriage can build wonderful bonds of love, trust and closeness. Even though they may not have extended themselves to the sexual arena, there is still room to grow.

This does not mean you can make wholesale changes in a person's behavior. I sincerely doubt you can talk a sexually conservative person into a threesome or foursome in your living room, complete with candles, soft music, massage oils, vibrators, blindfolds, uh…sorry. What I mean is that you can improve, and sometimes significantly, the lengths someone will go sexually. I saycan, I'm not guaranteeing it. That would foolish. I can not judge another person's desire. If it's not there, no efforts will reward you with good results. If the desire is there, but has yet to be released or perhaps fully explored, then it can improve. But how?

Again, there is no magic pill. Communication is the answer. Sometimes it's damn hard andvery uncomfortable. You want to be candid in a soft, non-blaming way. Believe me, the other way doesnot work. I'm referring to accusing them of ruining your life, not being attracted to you, causing you nothing but pain, heartache and frustration, or even threatening them with leaving or finding someone else on the side. Having unburdened yourself with your feelings - and I'm not doubting for a minute that they may all be true heartfelt feelings coming out – may make you feel better in the short term. But they can also cause a lot of irreparable damage, anger, guilt and hurt feelings. What can you accomplish this way? Will berating them and hurting their feelings induce them to have better sex with you? I would have to say usually not. By spilling your guts you may be dooming your objective of better sex.

A better alternative is to tell them how you feel in softer, less accusatory tones and phrases. You love them, you want them, you want to make a new start of your intimate life together and get off on the right foot.You have some suggestions. You're not putting them on the spot and asking them for a plan –you have the plan. And this brings me to my final point.

Control. What a word, what a concept. When she's on all fours, your hands on her hips holding her tightly in place as you slam…wait a minute, what am I talking about here? Not that kind of control. I mean the kind of control where one person seems to make most or even all of the decisions in a relationship. Especially in defined categories. You would not expect most women to make a material list for a deck building project. Most guys are not found writing down the spices they need for a special chicken dish. I do know a few good recipes, though. I just mean that couples seem to have their individual territories. And this applies to sex, although there is no particular gender that's in charge. It varies from couple to couple and the most assertive men I know will often defer to their wife's routine or preferences. Or it may be the other way around.

However, when you are not the usual aggressor and want to make changes in the bedroom, this may threaten the "balance of power," and cause some discomfort. Your spouse may feel they have done something wrong, that they are suddenly not competent, their lovemaking skills in question and their ego in danger.

Assure them that this isnot the case at all. Make sure they understand that you are trying to enhance and build on the good things you already do and feel together. Advise them gently that improvement and change are in both of your best interests, for they are the best way to insure that your love life doesn't become stale and routine as so many other's do. That you're both going to becomebetter lovers by experimenting and learning. Let the other couples travel the same path to eternal boredom – you're going to be trailblazers. You get the picture, right?

Those of you who have read my other stories know I like to have fun, in and out of the bedroom. I want my readers to learn something, to active their own thought process and even smile while doing it.

However, Inever, ever, trivialize someone's pain or frustration. I know firsthand how sad it can make you, how hopeless it can seem when you're just not getting what you need. I find nothing funny about it at all.

As I said, conversation with your spouse on this subject can be very difficult. It's often not comfortable to discuss sex and related issues with your spouseat all. It's ironic how even in the best of relationships, where there is usually good communication, sex is the one subject that is so hard to discuss. And it's the topic on everyone's mind! I'm a victim of this situation as well as any of you. So what do I do?

I follow my own advice. I discuss it in the appropriate place at the ideal time. Not when my wife has just had a homework argument with the kids. Not when we're about to have sex, or are sort of coming down from just having it. Not in the middle of TV program. I set up the situation. I tell her that I'd like to discuss some things with her later. Looking in my eyes, she knows what I'm talking about. Look I am, and you are, trying to tell someone my feelings, and how I'd like to improve or make changes to our sexual repertoire that we'd both jenjoy.Her appropriate response, in my opinion, is to listen and understand that I care enough to say, and not stray.

Nothing works all the time and on everyone. I'm quite sure many of you that know this all too well. I'm sorry about that – really. Perhaps you should show this article to your spouse and see what they think. It can actually be easier and less uncomfortable to learn from the written word then from your spouse. And for those of you who may benefit from just one point I've made, I could not be happier. As always, I'm very grateful for your votes and your emails. Best of luck to you.