Breath of Fresh Air Ch. 04

He loved her. He'd known for a while that his feelings for her were stronger than hers for him and he could live with that. If it was a matter of giving her time to trust him and trust her feelings for him, he'd give her as long as she needed. She was worth the wait. But he wasn't a placeholder. He didn't want to keep putting himself out there if she was just killing time having fun with him until someone better came along.

Whatever the case, he needed to know. At this point he was ready to lay his cards on the table and see where they fell. If she wanted him he'd do whatever it took to keep her, but if he was just spinning his wheels... it was better to know now before he got in any further. Mike shut off the treadmill and headed for the showers, impatient to get going now that he had a plan.

...

Katie was curled up on her couch watching people be awful to each other on reality television. There was something comforting about being able to feel morally superior to someone, even if it was just strangers on a screen.

She'd slept for a few hours and woken up feeling even worse. Her anger had faded, but guilt and shame stepped up to take its place. She knew that she'd hurt Mike and the thought brought a lump to her throat; more so because she'd done it deliberately. He'd hurt her and she'd wanted to hurt him back so she did.

The difference being, of course, that he would never hurt her on purpose. He teased her and poked fun at her, but when it came to serious matters he was always kind and understanding, without fail. Almost to the point of being annoying.

She sighed and mentally kicked herself in the ass. What was she even doing with him? He deserved someone who appreciated him and could treat him with the same kind of compassion that he treated them with. She would never be that person and he was finally starting to figure it out.

Her musings were interrupted by a knock on the door and her heart leapt into her throat, half hoping it was him and half afraid it was. She got up and slowly unlocked and opened the door and there he was, standing in the hall with his hands shoved into his jeans pockets.

"Nice shirt," she said, noting they had on the same KPD t-shirt. It looked better on him.

"We need to talk," he declared, walking past her without waiting for a response.

"Well, come on in," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. Once again it came out sounding more mean than funny and she gritted her teeth and looked down at the floor feeling ashamed. She shut the door and turned toward him without looking up.

"Will you look at me please?"

Katie swallowed and looked up into his eyes, the same blue eyes she'd looked into a hundred times before, but there was something different there this time. It made her nervous. He reached out and took her hand in his. It was warm and comforting and made her feel a little better until he spoke.

"I love you."

She just stared. She could see in his eyes that he meant it and a thrill of happiness shot through her, but she stomped it out almost as soon as she realized what it was. He didn't love her; he loved the imaginary version of her. The happy, normal one that she'd let him believe was real.

"I said I love you."

"You don't even know me," she whispered.

"That's bullshit and you know it. I might not know everything about you, but I know that I love you, Katie."

She rolled her eyes and tried to turn away.

"No," he grabbed her chin with his thumb and forefinger and tilted her head up to look at him. "You don't get to do that to me. I'm not asking you to say it back. I'm not even asking you to like that I said it to you, but I damn well deserve better than you rolling your eyes at me, don't you think?"

She pulled her head back out of his grasp, but said nothing.

"Don't you?"

"Can't we just drop it?" she asked, staring down at her feet. He was forcing her hand and she wasn't ready for it.

"I don't want to drop it. I just fucking bared my heart to you and you're blowing me off."

"Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?"

"Goddamn it Katie," he snapped. "Why do you insist on making this so difficult?"

Her eyes widened and she backed up a step. Mike could tell his voice was too loud, but he didn't want to calm down; he wanted her to know how frustrated he was. "You keep pushing me away and I just keep pushing back, hoping that if I keep trying and keep taking your shit eventually you'll realize I'm not going anywhere and you'll stop trying to run me off. But I need to know that I'm not fooling myself here."

"Taking my shit? I didn't realize I was such a burden to you."

"Jesus, is that really all you heard? That's exactly what I'm talking about. I try to tell you how I'm feeling and you either find a reason to get pissed off at me about it or you start making jokes and change the subject. Every. Fucking. Time. Of course you're not a burden. I've made it pretty fucking obvious that I want you in my life Katie, but every once in a while I need some kind of reassurance that you want me in yours."

When she didn't respond he sighed and took a step toward her, his voice losing its heat and sounding weary. "No matter what you're telling yourself, I do love you. That's not going to just suddenly stop, but I'm not going to keep pushing if we're not going anywhere. I don't-" he paused and took a deep shaky breath. When he began again his voice was so soft she could barely hear it. "I don't want to be with you if you're just settling for me."

"Are you...breaking up with me?" Katie asked, unable to quite comprehend his words.

Mike drew back and cocked his head at her in disbelief, shock and hurt clear on his face. He shook his head. his arms lifted and fell in a gesture of resignation, and he had to swallow a few times before he could speak.

"Apparently I am," he said in a choked voice, stepping around her to the door.

"Wait Mike," she pleaded, catching his shoulder as he walked through the doorway. He yanked his arm out of her grip and sped down the hallway, turning the corner at the end without a glance back.

And then he was gone. She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she realized she was still standing in the doorway, watching the spot where he'd disappeared and waiting for him to come back. She closed the door and stared into her quiet apartment feeling numb. Unsure what else to do with herself, she climbed back into her bed like a zombie and fell into a fitful sleep.