Bungee, Tea, Clay

And now I am here staring at Stefi, her olive skin, her perfect complexion, her straight shoulder length hair falling in purple and red streaks across her cheeks, teasing the cute freckles on them... and her gently parted lips, so full and pouty, curled in an adorable cupid's bow. Such a contrast: how different people's lips are. Mine are so thin and firm, hers like delicate out-turned rose petals... or... how did Shakespeare put it? Kissing cherries! Yes! Haha, exactly! Like she is sucking on a pacifier or something! Okay, so maybe not a pacifier, maybe something else... But how I wonder what her lips would feel like to kiss...

Oh fuck, her lips parted just so- if I could freeze time, I would so gently lean over and kiss them, and slowly run my tongue along them. Then take off my shirt, undo my bra, turn just so, the curve and weight of my right breast resting in my hand, I'd cradle her head, look down at her face surrounded in a tent of my blond hair, and place my jutting nipple right along her now moistened lips, sliding it back and forth across her bottom lip... And then time would start again, she would wake up and I would just be sitting here quietly and innocently, and she would wonder why her mouth was wet with my soft kisses.

Holy shit my nipples are so sensitive now, aching... I can almost feel her lips on them! I feel clutched in my throat, a sinking in my stomach, and weight in my pussy, a fire on my clit...I feel like I am falling over forward into myself! And what would those lips feel like sucking my clit? Is it true women are better at pleasuring a pussy like my more adventurous girlfriends have told me? And lips, I wonder if her pussy lips are like her mouth, soft and delicately out-turned?

Ok ok ok. fuck. I gotta stop!

!!!! I can't believe I am writing this with her next to me. I kind of like the thrill in a way, of looking at her softly closed eyes and imagining they would suddenly open and catch me staring at her, or that she would wake up and groggily ask "Hi my Daxi, what are writing? Can I read it?"

But honestly, if that happened, I would be mortified!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Stefi and I got in really late last night, and her father picked us up and drove us to the place where she grew up. It was so nice that they accepted me into their home as a last minute surprise, and offered to put me up in Lucia's (Stefi's sister) room. I kind of wish they hadn't moved Lucia onto the sofa in the family room, and that I would have to share a bed with Stefi, but thanks to their hospitality, I was alone in my own room. Funny, I finally had that privacy I wanted so bad yesterday, but as soon as I was completely alone, I was not as excited about pleasuring myself. Maybe I was just tired or it was too weird being in some teenage girl's room. I'm still so frustrated, though. God on a toilet, how long has it been?

I slept in today. I guess I didn't get much sleep on the plane last night, haha. Stefi and her family were already halfway through breakfast when I got up. Today, we spent the day relaxing at her house with them. Her father and mother are quite pleasant, always smiling and super hospitable. It is clear they want me to feel very welcome here. Stefi's younger sister, Lucia, is an adorable little hellion, but so funny, and I can see big things coming from her. It is like a young version of Stefi and I wonder if Stefi was like that when she was a teenager.

Her family is very sweet, but her parents don't speak English and I felt a little weird about Stefi or Lucia having to translate everything for me. I should have learned Spanish, but I guess I didn't have much warning about going on this trip. It is nice that they translate, but I miss out on a lot of the jokes and humor.

And I have to admit, I find myself staring more and more at Stefi in a not-just-friends way. Sure, she is a best girlfriend a girl could ever want: the way she smiles, the way we laugh at us being bitches, and the way she makes the world feel so right and such a happy place to live in when I am near her. And fuck, she took me to Costa Rica! How awesome is that?

But here I am thinking of her in a different way. So small, with her thin little legs and wrists, but distinctly curvy hips, that she swings seductively in a confident rhythm when she walks. Perfect posture! Latinas! Haha! It is like they are pop out of the womb doing the fucking merengue! I wish I had hips like that, but I guess I got the boobs instead!

Not that Stefi doesn't have boobs- they are so cute and petite, and she tends to wear low cut shirts that accentuate her collar bones and breast bone, and the gentle beginnings of the curves under her breasts. She doesn't necessarily need to wear a bra- they are so firm... she wasn't this morning. When she leaned across the breakfast table, I caught a flash down her tank top, and her little dark nipples sat like ripe berries gently placed on top of her delicate breasts like a gourmet dessert. And then, there I was fantasizing again... at the breakfast table with her family!!!

But I guess I could learn something from her- Here I am naturally endowed with these breasts that other women pay so much money for, and I never accentuate them. But then, I guess they already get enough attention as it is. Haha! Still, I can't pull off the everyday sexy that Stefi seems to do so effortlessly. Is that why I am so attracted to her?

I can't believe I have had these bi-curious fantasies for so long and have never even kissed a girl. What was I doing in college when all those other girls were making out with each other, experimenting with threesomes, and all that? I guess it just never happened. I was busy with the boys. All my good friends were guys, that is, until I met Stefi.

Hmm... I should be writing here my first impressions of a country I have never been to before, but since we arrived so late last night, and we are just relaxing today, I haven't seen much yet. But the sky is overcast, the air is warm, heavy and humid and smells of fruit and blossoms, and I can't wait to get out and do things.

In the mean time, I am here in the garden with my journal, trying to think of something creative to write. But my mind is blank. And I just feel like a nap instead. Perhaps it is for the best.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"Daxi, please. What the fuck is this? Flannel!?! No, wait. I recognize what the fuck this. This is a fucking emergency situation, Daxi. I am taking you shopping. Now!"

That's Stefi, my endearing little bitch. Yeah, okay, so I didn't do a good job packing. I had nothing clean, and well, it never gets that warm in SF, so I really don't have anything I can wear in a warm climate. And thinking back, when Eric stopped fucking me like a month before we broke up, and then it has been 3months since, so I have felt less and less into being sexy, and not really caring what I wore. Fuck, most of the time, I am just wearing a brown work outfit.

We spent the day out trying on clothes. I spent way more than I should, and I don't really have the money to be clothes shopping, but Stefi knew exactly where to take me in town and clothes are pretty cheap here. Stefi can be rather persuasive. She was completely changing my look. Molding me like sculptor's clay into something new and sexually charged. I honestly don't know I can pull this stuff off. Tight white pants? Exposed midriff? Miniskirt with knee high leggings that leave my thighs exposed? Low cut blouse that hangs just a little above my nipples? Then high heels. And high heel boots. I never wear heels, because I feel like I am tall enough. What am I thinking?

But then, as Stefi pointed out, why the hell spend all the time on that hellish elliptical machine if I am just going to hide inside frumpy clothes? Why did I get this belly button ring so many years ago if nobody sees it? Stefi laughed when she saw that. "Oh, my Daxi, so you do have some fire in you after all! Let's play that up!" she said tickling the ring with her fingers. It sent a chill down my spine. So now I have this dangling sparkling accessory that clips onto the ring. When I said it would get annoying under a shirt, Stefi just insisted on a striped top that exposes my midriff and shows off my stomach.

Back at Stefi's place, we got ready to go out. Stefi insisted I wear the new striped top. The tight fitting stripes clung to boobs like latitude lines on two enormous globes. Miniskirt, high knee leggings, high heels... Then she made my eyes dark with eye shadow and she braided my hair in two thick braids. She flipped them over my shoulders so the rested on my breasts like a stripper's fucking nipple tassels. Ha! I felt like she was making me into a stereotypical Scandinavian. She reassured me that I shouldn't be so self conscious about that. It is funny, things I would try to hide- my boobs, my abs, my height, Stefi accentuated. "No no no, Daxi, you don't understand- these are your best features. Trust me! You are an exotic goddess here! The guys have been turning their heads the moment you stepped off the plane."

I hope she is right. While it was nice to have a makeover, I am not so sure. But we are going out dancing soon. Time to put this journal away, Stefi is almost ready.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Last night, Stefi and I went out to a dance club in San Jose. But honestly, it wasn't such a good night for me. I really felt out of place and I wish Stefi hadn't pushed me so hard. The guys are kind of short, and so I felt that much taller in my heels. They were very forward though, much more than Americans, and kept offering me to dance. But then I don't know the Salsa... and it seems like they were trying too hard to reach over my head to turn me. I felt clumsy and awkward. And it was too close, I felt like I had these guys faces breathing down my tits, their hips, grinding against my exposed thigh, their little hardening cocks trying to fuck my leg like horny dogs. And I couldn't communicate with them. I started to feel more and more like an object.

As for Stefi, she was immediately swept up and I felt alone watching her dance so effortlessly, being showcased by one guy after the other. I was envious. I wanted to dance with her like we did last Friday. I wanted to feel sexy like that again. But instead I just felt insecure and self conscious as if everyone were just staring at me with their mouths open.

I was trying to hide in some dark corner of the club when Stefi found me. She looked me over once and with a look of pity and concern, seemed to quickly understand my thoughts. "Oh Daxi, we should go. But you are going to break a lot of hearts here when you leave. Everyone is asking who my amiga guapa is and where you went."

I told her I just didn't feel like being the center of attention tonight. She gave me a big hug and we left and took a taxi home. We didn't say much to each other on the way home. I wanted to apologize to Stefi, but I didn't know what to say. The taxi driver was chatty, but only spoke Spanish, so Stefi and he conversed while I cast my gaze mindlessly out the windows. I rolled down the window a little for some air. The city night lights of a surprisingly modern San Jose streaked by as the cab raced down the streets.

I wished Stefi a good night, thanked her shallowly for taking me out and went to Lucia's room to go to bed. I caught my reflection in the full length mirror in Lucia's room and was caught off guard by what how I looked. I almost didn't recognize myself. I ended up just staring at my transformation reflected back to me. Could I get used to this? Who am I?

If I squinted and dreamed and pretended I was somebody I didn't know, what would I think of this person in the mirror? A perfume fashion model? A stripper? I was so ridiculously dressed but somehow it worked if I held myself and projected my confidence just right. I could see where Stefi was going with this. I know I will just have to work on it in order to make it me. I peeled the striped top off of me, freeing my heavy, sweating breasts.

Then I took off the skirt and skimpy underwear, and stood there in the knee high socks, staring at myself. I looked like some type of porn star with the braids and the belly button chain dangling down and pointing its way to my pussy. The socks made me feel more naked than if I had nothing on. Haha... I could totally be a happy slut if I really wanted to!

I was trying to pretend what that would feel like, imitating a stripper in front of the mirror; trying to own this naked body that contained me. Pursing and licking my lips, pushing my breasts up, gyrating my hips, leaning over, sticking my ass out, caressing my body sexily, teasing the mirror with my pussy, spreading the gentle lips and offering them to my own reflection, trying to find alluring yet ridiculous porn star poses. Good practice, I guess. Would guys find this even a little bit alluring? Would girls? Would Stefi? I smiled at that thought, that I would have absolute control over someone's desires.

When suddenly, there was a quiet knock at the door. "Daxi?" Stefi asked meekly.

Oh shit! "Uh, just a sec!" I scrambled around the room and threw on my pj's. Great job, Dagmar. Here I am posing in front of the mirror, wondering if Stefi would think I was hot, and then she appears at the door and I freak out. I am a long way from being a porn star!

In my fantasy, yeah, I would have seductively walked over to the door, naked, perfectly comfortable in my hotness, and opened the door confidently, and stood there in full view of Stefi, not saying a thing. Just stare into her dark eyes, and slowly part my lips. And then, well, I don't know, I guess the fantasy gets even more ridiculous after that with Stefi staring at me with her mouth wide open, not saying a word, reaching up to touch my breast, cautiously at first, and overwhelmed with passion, grabbing it firmly her hand, jumping into me, throwing me on Lucia's bed, jumping on top of me and passionately kissing me. She would rip off her clothes and straddle my face, grinding her pussy into my mouth with her salsa-rhythm-hips, arching her back and looking up at the ceiling as she caressed her tits and pinched her own blackberry nipples between her index and middle fingers.

Hmm... wow... these Stefi fantasies are getting more intense...

But no. That is not what happened. She came in and we sat on Lucia's bed. She came to apologize to me.

"I'm really sorry about tonight, Daxi. I keep thinking about it and I can't sleep and I am really upset at myself. I was just trying to get you a little out of your comfort zone and let you find and reinvent yourself. But I realize I pushed you a little too hard today. I'm sorry, I am such a bitch. I shouldn't be making a project out of you. Still, you looked amazing tonight. Do you know you were the talk of the club? I would just love to see you get your confidence back. I really just want to help you. But be sure to let me know if I push you too far."

I realized for a while what she was trying to do. And it is my fault and my own insecurities that are holding me back. But she is right. It is time I start making myself who I want to be. And getting out of this life what I want to get out of it. Like Stefi. I want to "be the author of my own experience," as Stefi put it. So when Stefi asked if I was willing to try an adventure today, I knew I could not say no to her.

So today we begin our week long trek. It was a travel day into the rain forest. I love her family, but I am glad Lucia can have her room back. It is good to get out of the house and out of San Jose. I am really glad to have some time alone with Estefani. I am also glad she is with me; I would have never made it out here on my own, or even figure out which bus to take with my lack of Spanish. So today, on a rickety, dirty, crowded bus, muddy bumpy roads, rain mixed with sun, we headed off into the wilderness.

This place is amazing! Lush and green, surprisingly cool. So alive with everything, colors seeming to burst forth from the backdrop of the gray sky. Rivers of mud and murky water slither out of the valleys, with cascading streams dribble down them. The trees sigh in the damp air, as if they were in anticipation of a sloppy kiss from Mother Nature herself. It is really indescribable... I am a loss for words.

We arrived at our small lodge that Stefi had booked. A small town is down the road that has everything we could need, but we are far enough away to feel like we are in the wilderness. It is adorable, but quite primitive: thatched roof, creaking floor boards, crumbling stucco and wooden walls with daylight peaking through the cracks. But at least it has a proper toilet and rather primitive shower behind a half wall in the back of the room. I guess that is a luxury here for the tourists.

We actually didn't get the cabin we reserved, because I guess a river of mud ran through it with the rain today. The only thing they could offer us is a much smaller one with only one single bed. Stefi, who I thought would fight for a refund, just looked at me, laughed, and said, "Well, I guess it will remind us of the dorm beds we used to sleep in!" She asked if it was okay if we shared the bed, promising she wouldn't take up too much space. I tried to contain my excitement! :)

We unpacked and Stefi was very tired because she said she didn't get much sleep last night. I feel bad for that, because I know it's because she was upset about my reaction at the club last night. So she is napping right now, so little and adorable again, curled up on the bed.

I couldn't be happier with this cabin, though. It sits on top of a hill and has an awesome view from the porch, where I am just sitting now, trying to take it all in. It is humid, cool and sticky here. Sounds of wildlife waft up from the trees around me. I have never been in a place quite like this before or heard sounds quite like this before. The rain forest stretches out in the valley below and there a volcano that shoots straight up in the background, framed by clouds of steam and a pocked gray sky. Postcard perfect. I can't seem to take enough pictures, but they won't do it justice anyway.

My god, there is a fucking Toucan in the tree above me! It is the soul and life and pulse and breath of this place that one can only experienced by being here. That kind of thing can't be photographed. It can only be lived. But I did sneak a photo of Stefi while she slept. I couldn't help it, it is just too cute. I can't wait to show her what she looks like while she is sleeping. She will be sure to call me a bitch for it, and, honestly, I can't wait for that either.

Stefi says she has a surprise activity planned for tomorrow, something else to get me out of my comfort zone. I wonder what it is. I wonder if I am up for it or will I go running scared again. No. No. No no no... I promise, no matter it is, I promise to myself here and now that I will let myself have fun and do it confidently.

I am getting hungry, it will be getting dark soon, and so I better go wake Stefi. We still need to get some sleep tonight, and she'll be up all night if she naps too long.

Thursday, July 13, 2011

I almost died today. They say in that instant, your life flashes in front of your eyes, but it isn't true. It is just a mad pleading panic that makes no sense what. so. ever. I can't even write now, I am still too freaked out. It's time to get roaring drunk and celebrate the fact that I am still on this Earth. And I realize now there is so much stuff I want to do before I go. I'm looking down at my living skin and my naked breasts that are hanging above the page. There is still so much life in me. My heart beats in my chest still. I am so young.

Friday, July 14, 2011

Wow, I don't even know where to start today.

I'm alive.

I'm hung over. Again.