Butterflies

"How did you know that," Helen asked.

"My changes are genetic and not disease related," John said.

"And you know that because," Helen asked.

"Another guess," John said and added, "the breast mostly, but other things as well. You know, hips and the like."

"They've gotten bigger. Your breast that is," Helen said in a voice as casual as John's was but there was a trace of a smile.

"Yes, but they've stopped growing," John said.

"You know that," Helen asked.

"It's more like I can feel it," John said and added between snickers, "and it's nothing like a cold or the flu."

"No, I suppose it's not. Not by a long shot I suspect," Helen said with her own snicker.

"So, what have the doctors said. Am I more girl than boy now," John asked.

It was an odd question, but given the circumstances not as odd as it might have been. Five weeks has passed and with it, according to the last scans and blood test, most of what everyone believed was John's metamorphosis.

John had stabilized, if that was reasonable as a prognosis. Although Helen wasn't sure a prognosis, any prognosis would be accurate. They really knew very little about what John had gone through or why.

The doctor was sure his changes had slowed, perhaps stopped, suspecting John had reached some sort of balance. That was another of nature's great constructs - balance however one sided it might be.

"I suspect you can answer that better than they can," Helen said as she added, "they honestly don't know much. I mean they know a lot, but it's your mind I'd like to understand."

"Feels different! Everything feels different," John said as his face changed.

He was considering his answer, internalizing it. He knew the changes, while subtle, were dramatic if seen without the context of those five weeks in-between. He also knew he was viewing things differently.

"A good difference or bad," Helen asked cautiously.

"Mostly good! Not sure why that is, but it's mostly good," John said.

He paused long enough for Helen to speak and she was about to, but the changes in his face made her hesitate. John was considering something else and a resolution had been reached if Helen was reading his face accurately.

"What," Helen asked softly as she fidgeted with the mask in her hand. She was now holding it, but nervously.

"My dad... I was thinking of my dad and how shocked he was when I said I was helping you collect butterflies. I didn't mention this to you but when I'd gone home for last break... Well, he thought I was becoming a sissy," John said and laughed, "he had no idea how right he was."

"Not sissy! Feminine," Helen said.

Effeminate, to my dad, is sissy," John said.

"Feminine, in your case, is female," Helen countered.

"But I'm not," John said.

"As close perhaps as any man has ever been," Helen said and added, "right down to what is happening to you 'down there' at this moment."

"My period? Now isn't that funny coming from a guy," John said as he lifted his nightgown up to show Helen the diaper he wore.

"Did they tell you that," Helen asked.

"Didn't have to Helen. Although I asked a nurse when the symptoms started. Cramps, irritable, uncomfortable at first, and then this incontinence or whatever it is," John said pointing to his diaper.

"Not incontinence as much as a kind of menstrual flow, so it's not as if I can't relate," Helen said laughing.

"But that's not all," John said laughing.

"What," Helen asked.

"It's like living in the middle of a constant wet dream for want of a better description. I can't think, move nor imagine without ejaculating a little each time. Hell, it happens when I'm not imagining anything at all," John said.

"Definitely not a true period," Helen said and added, "but I understand and I do envy you a little."

"Wish that wasn't so," John said sheepishly as he added, "that's the worse part I think."

"What's that," Helen asked not understanding the change in John's voice.

"You relating. If I do have any regrets..." John started to say and stopped. He was feeling flush, embarrassed, vulnerable. His true love, or the chance at it was now gone.

"About you and possibly me," Helen said understanding instantly those pauses and the change in John's eyes.

"What," John asked a little surprised.

"About your crush on me," Helen asked.

"You knew," John asked back feeling his face flush.

"Of course. Trouble was it could never have worked, at least not as it was then," Helen said.

"I understand," John said and added, "because I'm a student."

"There was that in the beginning, but that wasn't all of it," Helen said as her own face flushed.

"My age," John asked.

"Your age is fine," Helen said.

"Then I don't follow," John said.

"You are... or rather you were a guy," Helen said and added, "a very nice guy John, but a guy nonetheless. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

John looked at Helen for a second trying to figure out what it was she was saying when suddenly, like a mild shock to his brain, a thought flashed.

She was gay! Helen was gay! She didn't like guys, John mused with a mixture of emotions till another thought struck him with almost equal force. She said 'or rather you were a guy'.

"What about now," John asked throwing caution to the wind but his toes and fingers were crossed.

"Now? Now there is hope. Definitely hope," Helen said blushing as she added, "for me, perhaps, the best of both worlds. For you? I'm not sure. I suppose you'd have to answer that. If that might be something you'd still be interested in?"

"Are you kidding? Interested? Helen, I've been chasing butterflies for you," John said laughing.

Helen felt the passion rising, the warmth already there suppressed for so long, and out of necessity with that necessity now gone as she said, "we would be a very odd couple."

"Not so odd," John said feeling the pit of his stomach churning as he added with a laugh, "same sex relationships are common nowadays."

"Takes me back to your original question then," Helen said.

"Which," John asked.

"The one you asked me? If you are more girl than boy," Helen said and added, "What would you answer?"

"More girl than boy," John said feeling his face warming, but it changed again as he added, "but still a boy."

"Not enough to matter," Helen said as she added, "at least not to me."

"You could accept what I've become," John said.

"I could have accepted you for what you were then, now, it's more like icing on a cake. A cake I've wanted for a while now," Helen said taking John's hand within hers.

"Even if I'm not sure I can take this any further," John asked and added, "medically that is."

"You mean remain ambiguous or androgynous," Helen asked.

"More or less," John said before adding, "it's just that I'm not sure. I mean it's pretty obvious what I've become, at least to me, but I don't know what I need to become for the world not to care."

"John, no offense, but if you tried to pass yourself off as a male now, it just wouldn't work," Helen said and added, "and that goes even if you were naked - more so if you were naked."

"So the world is going to see a sissy," John said sadly.

"The world doesn't need to know," Helen said.

"Right? And the moment I step out of here, they're going to see a sissy guy," John said.

"Or a very pretty young girl," Helen noted.

"The world is going to know! Hell, Helen, I'm news. Can't you imagine the headlines: "Boy bitten by butterfly, almost turns into a girl."

"You weren't bitten," Helen said smiling as she added, "Butterflies don't have teeth, remember."

"I know, but it makes a better headline," John said sadly.

"What if I told you there is or rather there won't be any news, nor headlines," Helen asked.

"What do you mean," John asked back.

"John, you've been put under a legal blackout first by the CDC until they were sure of what this was, then by the NSA when it was sure they more or less understood what was happening," Helen said.

"What's that mean," John asked.

"John, you are, at the moment, top secret. No one outside of those two agencies, plus a few individuals on a need to know, and me, actually know about this," Helen said and added, "there is a pretty complete and legal blackout.

"But that's not going to last," John said still sad.

"That can last for as long as you want it to last. If the government has it's way, it will last until you are long gone," Helen said.

"I don't follow," John said.

"You ever hear of the witness protection program," Helen asked.

"Like for the Mafia," John asked.

"Sort of but not quite. John, the government wants you to go underground as it were and for obvious reasons. The CDC would like to continue watching you while trying to understand what has happened and, most of all, you need a life," Helen said.

"What kind of life can I have now," John asked.

"Well, that life, while it might seem odd, would be better if you happened to be, or at least appear to be, something closer to a transsexual... or a girl actually," Helen said finding it difficult to get that last out.

"Like a guy that wants to be a girl," John asked.

"More or less. Although it doesn't have to be a full commitment if that's what you are thinking," Helen said and added, "it would simply make it easier."

"Running around like a girl wouldn't make it so," John said.

"No, there would be some other changes as well, like your identity," Helen said.

"And where are you in all of this," John asked with some amount of reluctance.

"Are you kidding. I'm right there at your side. If that's something you wouldn't mind," Helen said squeezing John's hand as she added, "for me it would be almost perfect."

"Perfect how," John asked.

"Well, I'd have a girlfriend, perhaps a boyfriend and, if a boyfriend, one that would at least keep the toilet seat down," Helen said laughing.

John laughed. John laughed and stopped.

"What," Helen asked.

"My dad," John said.

"Obviously he's already suspected something, even if he's been wrong about you, he's got it in his mind that you're already something else," Helen said.

"A sissy," John added.

A sissy then. But, if that's the case and to my way of thinking then maybe that's a good thing," Helen said.

"A good thing," John repeated.

"No surprises as it were," Helen noted.

"Just that one where his son want's to suddenly be his daughter," John said smiling lamely.

"Or not," Helen said reminding John of the alternative as she added, "you could just continuing allowing him his thoughts. If you do that nothing really changes."

"That's true enough and he might not notice most of what has changed, although I'm sure he'd notice some of it. On the other hand, my mom would notice all of it," John said.

"So what if we have lunch with her and her alone. What if we tell her the truth," Helen said.

"I thought we can't talk about this because of the NSA or something," John said.

"We can't talk about the butterfly stuff, but we can talk about you becoming a girl," Helen noted, "or wanting to be?

"You mean tell her I'm a transsexual," John asked.

"Yes. How would she react," Helen asked.

"Mom? She already thinks I want to a girl," John said smiling and then correcting himself added, "maybe not a girl, but she's made it clear more than a couple of times that whatever I am, or want to be she would still love me."

"Do you think she thinks you're gay," Helen asked.

"Sometimes I get that impression.... I mean I've never really said one way or the other and she's never really asked," John said.

"OK, so that doesn't change things yet and I don't see any reason for things to change all that much. At least not right away. Mostly we've got to focus on making the Men In Black feel comfortable so that's our first steps," Helen said.

"So how do we do that," John said.

"Convince them you actually don't mind becoming a girl," Helen said.

"How do I do that," John asked.

"Hello," Helen said.

"What," John asked.

"First, pick yourself out a girl's name and we tell them you're good to go," Helen said making it sound so matter of fact.

"Just like that," John said.

"Pretty much," Helen said and added, "these are the guys that actually control all of those buttons others push. If they are comfortable with you, then everyone else, by default, has to be."

John was sitting there in his hospital gown still hiked up, diaper exposed and looking at that as he realized what could be seen and more importantly what it meant as he said, "what about you... and these things?"

"Your diapers? You are kidding right? I mean you are talking to a girl," Helen said.

"I don't follow," John said.

"Honey, I've been wearing something to that effect since I was eleven. Precious, you adapt and what are we talking about anyway? A few days a month," Helen said and added, "it's something I can definitely relate to.

"So this doesn't bother you. I mean the doctor said I might have to do this every month," John said.

"So what? Heck, I might find a reason to tape you into those anyway and for no good reason. Makes you very cute looking. Cute and vulnerable. Submissive in some ways and that makes me the top in this relationship," Helen said as she took up John's hem and covered him again.

"Top," John repeated.

"In this context the dominate. Considering our individual personalities it's more like opposites attracting. Helen said.

"But me being female or more like a female wouldn't exactly be opposite," John said.

"No, it wouldn't. What I'm talking about is something that already attracted me to you and I suspect you to me which is my extroversion and your introversion. We are naturally attracted already by those traits," Helen said.

"So you think I'm submissive," John said not sure if he liked that notion or not.

"I know you are, but it's not a bad thing. I mean it wasn't even before this," Helen said.

"It isn't," John noted.

"And shouldn't be. At least not to me," Helen said.

"Seems I've got to do all kinds of adapting," John said.

"Not so bad. I even wear pants sometimes," Helen said laughing as she added, "you don't even need to own a dress right off."

"Or a bra," John asked blushing.

"Now that wouldn't be wise. They'll sag if you're not careful so yes, I would recommend a bra," Helen said.

"And you are going to help me with all of this," John said not daring to beach what he really was asking.

"Only if you want me as a partner and yes, I do want to become your partner," Helen said.

"I'd like that more than you know," John said.

"I know more than you can imagine," Helen said.

"I can imagine all sorts of things," John said smiling.

"Me too, but none of that is going to happen till we get you out of these digs," Helen said.

"So the answer is yes to anything that's going to get me out of here," John said.

"Good enough. I'll get the right people together since they are already waiting anyway," Helen said with a light laugh as she patted John's hand.

"I'm ready," John said.

"Actually, you're not, but we can change that easily enough," Helen noted.

"How so," John asked.

"I'm thinking that a little shopping and makeover might go a long ways in our arguments with the powers that be," Helen said.

"Like wear a dress," John asked feeling his face flush a little.

"One, at least. Something pretty for the sake of our arguments. Just for the sake of our meeting with the men in black," Helen said.

"I don't know how to be a girl," John said.

"We'll work on that but frankly, it's not going to be all that difficult," Helen said.

"So what sort of clothes is going to make this work," John asked.

"Perhaps something closer to mother and daughter or big sister, little sister? That was their suggestion anyway but I'll tell you more about that later. Meanwhile I'll even give up a bit of my own independence and go the pretty dress route along with you," Helen said making her sacrifice sound equal.

"Gosh, you'd do that for me? You'd dress like a girl," John asked making sure he sounded as sarcastic as he could.

"Hey, what are sisters for," Helen said with a shrug as she added, "so is that a yes?"

"Why not. I'd rather know sooner than later," John said.

"Know what," Helen asked.

"If I'm going to like dresses or not," John said.

"Well, if we start with the panties, and take it from there I'll bet the rest gets easier," Helen said smiling.

"According to my dad, I'm already wearing panties," John said.

"Really," Helen said.

"Hannes His way," John noted.

"Willing to try on Helen's Her Way," Helen asked.

"Only if you explain that," John said.

"Well, the doctors, the ones that have analyzed you physically, suggested you appear to be at the tender age of fourteen," Helen noted.

"Not even sweet sixteen," John asked.

"Not yet," Helen noted and added, "but even so, if we go with fourteen, we can make you pretty sweet looking and the sweeter you look, the lest likely you are to scare those Men In Black."

"Will we have to move," John asked.

"Yes," Helen said.

"Where," John asked.

"I'm thinking of San Francisco," Helen said and added, "with the government footing the bills we could do pretty well there and when the time comes, perhaps we can even tie the knot."

"Same sex marriage," John said laughing.

"Key word is sex," Helen said laughing.

"So how does this work," John asked.

"Sex? Well, it's going to begin when I un-tape that diaper you're wearing," Helen said.

"Not that! This change for program," John said smiling with another flush.

"Oh, that? OK! We need to get you looking less risky for the MIB and then present our plan to those that have to buy this off," Helen said and added, "which should take all of about two hours after I've gone shopping."

"Two hours," John asked.

"Honey, I can't shop in under four hours but I can rush it," Helen said and added, "Besides, we need a little time, however slight, to add a few more feminine touches to an already pretty face and those nails could use some attention."

"Doctor says I'm going to be in these diapers for another two days," John said.

"OK, so, for now, we get you a pair of ruffled panties to cover them," Helen said laughing.

"Ruffled panties? Why," John asked.

"In case those Men In Black lift your dress. Sweetheart, the devil is always in the details," Helen said smiling and added, "when you meet them, you've got to be pure sugar and spice. We don't want to miss a trick for this meeting."

"Seriously, you think they might lift my dress," John asked.

"They might get a female to check and see what you are wearing! You know, panties instead of pants," Helen said.

"So now what," John asked.

"So, I'm going to go and get permission to step out of here, so you can step back as... We're going to need a name honey," Helen said.

"Mary! Yes! Mary Elisabeth," John said quickly.

"Wow, so you've been thinking about this haven't you," Helen noted with surprise.

"Not really. It's the name mom picked out for me had I been born a girl," John said.

"Think she'll like that," Helen asked.

"I do. I mean I didn't until now, but I've been thinking and yes, I think that's been her hope, as odd as it seems," John said.

"Really," Helen asked and added, "why?"

"Something that happened a long time ago," John said.

"Want to share it," Helen asked.

"Sure. It was Halloween and she and I were at my aunt's house. My cousin, a girl, and I were the same age and size coincidentally and mom suggested I dress as a girl for that particular night," John said.

"It was her idea," Helen asked.

"It was her idea," John answered.

"One time," Helen asked with a little doubt in her voice.

"One time, but it was after I was dressed and while we were having lunch that she brought up that name," John said looking pensive.