Carol Ch. 12

By the time he dropped me off, I had a free ride, and a phone number in my pocket. I promised to call him in a day or two.

That was sexy (to me, at that moment). Talking about Carol like she was a sex-toy, promising her to strangers.That was hot, not this nihilistic 'give myself to the world' crap that had taken over her mind. I imagined 'giving' her to all sorts of guys, for all the wrong reasons. It was a turn-on, one she shared -- I'd thought.

Giving Carol away, lending her out to guys -- It was just so wrong, especially if you knew the wonderful, smart, funny Carol. It was a work of art, seeing such a girl become so depraved, and then turn around and dissolve in giggles at a corny joke. And she knew it, too. I had thought we were exceptional, two split-personalities blinking on and off in tandem, incredible, incredible, incredible. Man, but I loved her.

Then I remembered that she was gone, off on her own thing. I felt alone, but forced my mind back into its fantasies.

I jacked off endlessly to those fantasies that night. (And I also had a stack pictures of my Carol in the glory hole booth.) I hadn't come the whole evening, and I had more than a little saved up. Here I was, like a fool, fisting myself. I had a bit of fun with it nonetheless, until I realized my fantasies were ways of punishing her.

In the end analysis, I didn't want to punish her. I only wanted to find out what she was thinking. I was hoping I'd continue to be a part of her life.