Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 23byFinalStand©
*Purity is a paradox; we are awed by it yet we are repulsed by it as well*
(Yes, this tale is supposed to be somewhat humorous and outrageous too. While not always comedic I'd like to think it is mostly a good-natured romp.)
(Posting this chapter and chapter 24 at this time. Thanks for your patience)
Vivian was terribly subdued as she walked me back to the dorm. It was the two of us because my Handmaiden mistress was Erica, a second-team Karate classmate. She'd given me a rain check due to the trauma we had all just been through during class.
"You can use my room this weekend if you like," I broached the silence. "I'll ask Rio and Mercy to be somewhere else and Barbie Lynn can stay with you."
"I don't want to sleep with Barbie Lynn, Zane," Vivian replied. "I want to sleep in my own bed."
"That's bull- ..." I decided saying "shit", while a minor infraction, wouldn't do my argument any good. "You know Barbie Lynn to be kind-hearted and decent. She's not going to molest you. You two will be totally platonic."
"I don't know what to think," she replied. "I never thought Barbie Lynn would be the one to have sex outside of marriage."
"I knew she was flirty but that was it," she continued. "Now...now she's moved into your room and is having sex with you as if you were a married couple." She sighed. "Fine, not like a 'normal' married couple so we don't need to go there." Ah, no mention of anal sex I see.
"Vivian, I don't like to talk about my relationships with other women but I think Barbie Lynn would understand," I tried to explain. "There was no seduction between us -- we collided. I showed up at FFU pretty depressed. I'd spent a long month with my Aunt trying to adjust to America and a place and lifestyle I didn't know."
"My Aunt and I fought a lot and that Sunday Pastor Bill and his buddies tried to shake me down for my inheritance. I had the feeling that is why they wanted Aunt Jill in their church, and after all the crap Jill had been through, I felt that sucked," I said. "I'm in my room, sad and pissed off, then Barbie Lynn Masters comes soaring into my life."
"She thought I was 'Glenda's' brother, I told her my name was Zane, and next thing I knew we were all over one another. She gave me a blowjob and I gave her multiple orgasms and we parted ways. She thought she might see me once a month and I had no idea this was a girl's college. You are aware of the humiliation that followed," I concluded.
"Zane, that explains nothing," Vivian observed.
"Okay, I could have been clearer," I admitted. "What I was trying to say is that Barbie Lynn didn't change. I allowed her to do what she wanted to do with a guy all along. She is still the same woman who goes after life full of enthusiasm, who likes to work with kids, teaching Sunday school and going to church."
"And you want me to sleep with her when I've avoided the pleasure for the past three years?" Vivian refused to give in.
"I'd want you to sleep with Iona if she wasn't already heading out with me. I have a few others I could ask but that would be awkward. I like Opal and Brandi but I also know they'd hit on you if given half a chance," I outlined.
"I can sleep alone, Zane," Vivian stated.
"I know that, but do you want to?" I asked. Vivian didn't immediately reply. "You climbed into bed with me and some of the ladies, Vivian. There is a certain quality provided by a sleeping companion that you enjoy. You wanted it enough to put some faith in me and Barbie Lynn last night," I added.
"Zane, why are you making a big deal about this?" Vivian inquired.
"Your happiness matters to me," I answered. Vivian and I walked into the dorm and into the elevator before she spoke.
"Coach Gorman warned me about this," Vivian groaned. "Do you realize how much easier my life would be if you grabbed my breast or something like that?"
"Is that an invitation?" I perked up.
"No," she stated decisively. Her glare emphasized the point. "I mean my job keeping the Devil in line would be easier if he wasn't constantly giving me my favorite cupcakes."
"What's your favorite cupcake?" I grinned.
"Behave yourself," she sighed, somewhat amused and somewhat exasperated.
"Yes, ma'am," I nodded.
"That's a good boy," Vivian acknowledged.
"When I'm a good boy Heaven gives me a ginger cookie," I prodded.
"We are NOT going to go there," Vivian declared authoritatively, and that was that.
IT DOESN'T MATTER AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND
I thought I would have to stop by and pick up Iona Beckett on my way out. I was obviously forgetting I was dealing with the most organized person I'd ever met. I know Iona looks after all her own affairs and most of mine, plus I suspect she keeps an eye out for Rio as well. She was waiting in the main area of my 'room' when Vivian and I arrived, her overnight bag beside her.
I gave her a kiss and hurried to my room...where someone had already packed a weekend worth of stuff for me. I do not deserve one tenth of the affection aimed my way. Being hung by my toes from a ceiling fan is a small price to pay for what I receive. Still, I make a note to avoid girls with bizarre foot fetishes while in close proximity to ceiling fans -- my life is pretty freaking weird enough already.
I gathered my stuff, gathered up Iona, and made my good-byes. Brandi was kind enough to snuggle up to my back, reach around and pinch my nipples. It was playful, not painful, so I didn't mind too much. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry. When I told Rio that she'd need to share another bed with Mercy for the weekend she nodded.
"No problem, Bro," Rio told me. She then stepped up under the guise of hugging me good-bye and tried to nut me. She's a dangerous friend to have but since I can count her public displays of affection for me on one hand, I was ready for her.
"Damn it," Rio snarled, "you can't give my room to that Jesus-freak!" By 'my room' she really meant my (Zane's) room and 'Jesus-freak' was Vivian...who was eight feet away looking at her.
"It isn't going to kill you two to behave for two days, Rio," I stated. Mercy, standing right behind Rio, remained unfortunately silent on the subject.
"Rio, if you two would agree to abstain until I got back, I'd be willing to let you stay, but you are the King Kong of bedroom antics and Vivian needs the space," I explained.
"Fine, we'll crash at Aunt Jill's," Rio smirked. "I'm sure she can't shut the door before I get a foot in. She's far too nice to break it or kick me out." Oh yeah, I cannot begin to describe what Jill's reaction to a Mercy-Rio lesbian love-fest at 2:00 in the morning would be like. It would probably involve paramedics and a defibrillator.
"Okay," I shrugged. I fished out my keys and tossed them to Rio.
"Sweet!" Rio trumpeted. "We'll meet you at the car."
"We are not going," I corrected Rio. "Iona and I will stay here, camp out on a sleeper-sofa, and take in some Pay-per-View. Come by and pick us up for the party around nine tomorrow night."
"Your loss, Princess," Rio mocked me and walked away. Mercy loyally padded along.
"I'm sorry, Iona," I said to my petite friend. "I promise I'll make it up to you."
"I'm not looking for any particular place but a particular man," she smiled serenely.
"Sadly, I still have a piece of business to attend to and I see the person I need to see," I said as I spotted Valerie playing a competitive game of pool versus Raven of all people.
When Valerie had taken her shot I stepped up to her side.
"Can I catch a ride to the Dixie Roadhouse in the next few minutes?" I whispered.
"Sure. Wait... are you expecting me to hang around when you go inside?" Val smirked.
"I've already gone a round with Gabrielle Black today so I don't feel I deserve a second ass-whooping. I'd appreciate you sticking around at least until the gunfire starts," I chuckled.
"Fine, I'll stay, but you'll owe me one," Valerie smiled. "By the way, how tough is Gabrielle?"
"I'll let you know when my concussion fades," I responded.
"That good, huh?" Valerie persisted.
"In less than thirty seconds she snapped my neck. It took her less than five minutes to break Dana's back after that, and right there at the end I swore I saw a lone bead of sweat on Gabrielle's brow," I related.
"Just so we are clear; if I ever see her chasing your ass down like Gorman did that day, you are on your own," Valerie snorted.
"I thought you were a bad-ass," I taunted her. I really didn't want her fighting Ms. Black on my behalf.
"Granddad is a bad-ass; I'm a teenage girl who is good with bikes and can handle myself in a brawl but I'm not a true bad-ass. What I am is smart enough to not attempt the craziness that is your life," she huffed.
"Being smarter than me is hardly an accomplishment to be proud of," I jibbed back.
Raven, who had been pretending to not be eavesdropping, made this choking sound at that comment.
"Let me finish Raven off and I'll take you there," Valerie said.
"Valerie, she's killing you," I noted.
"I like a challenge," Valerie countered. She must because Raven only had one ball left to sink while Valerie had four. Less than a minute later Raven sent Valerie and I heading for the stairs. Iona gave me a slight nod and grin.
Rio came storming up at us half-way down.
"You motherfucker," she snarled.
"Problems?" I replied cautiously.
"Mercy said she wasn't going with me," Rio growled.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I slapped the bitch," Rio retorted. I could tell that pissed Valerie off; I wasn't too happy either. "You put her up to this, didn't you?"
"I certainly did. I told her that she was going to have to step up instead of taking advantage of you all the time," I explained. "Did it hurt?" Rio knew I wasn't talking about Mercy's pain.
"Yes," she rumbled. "If I can't trust her, I can't use her."
"Whatever you decide to do, I'll live with," I shrugged. "I hope you know how hard it was for her to do what she did."
Thankfully, Valerie was far more controlled than Rio and judged the conversation to be too delicate for her input.
"Mercy is my deal, Zane. She's my responsibility and I'll take care of her without your interference," Rio stated aggressively.
"It doesn't work that way. People aren't one dimensional and you can't expect to help people and not have them change," I countered. "You changed Mercy, for the better, and that includes her desire to take up some of the responsibility you've borne onto her shoulders. And the only reason for her to do that is...you annoy her so much."
"Yeah," Rio finally deflated, "she was looking pretty miserable."
"Buddies take your pizza; friends take your pain, Rio. Get used to the fact that there are three of us standing beside you when you need us," I reminded her.
"I wasn't asking for anyone's help," Rio insisted.
"In that case, get in Zane's car and take a trip. When the cops finally pull you over you will have three years friend-free in prison," Valerie now interjected.
"Ha!" Rio snorted. "That's no good. Zane already promised to break me out if I get sent away."
"Zane," groaned Valerie, "do you have even a passing acquaintance with common sense?"
"I get a lot of that," I answered. "What now, Rio?"
"I go back to my room," she sighed, "apologize to Mercy, then come back upstairs and work out a deal with Vivian for use of your room."
"No tying them up and gagging Vivian and Barbie Lynn in their sleep," I cautioned Rio.
"Fuck you," Rio muttered darkly. "Fuck you and your mind-reading ability. Fine, I'll be good...okay, I'll be as good as I can be." With that, Rio tossed me back my keys and then bounded downstairs and out the door.
"I swear to God I would have tossed her out a window by now, if I were you," Valerie snorted.
"Mmmm...she grows on you...kind of like a tapeworm," I chuckled.
"I think my invitation to catch a bullet has been voided now that you have your keys back," Valerie noted. "I'll catch you tomorrow night."
"Sure thing, but I may need you for that 'thing' if I can set up a meeting," I replied. That thing was meeting up with a possible undercover officer which held the possibility of being a real disaster. Valerie was being kind enough to ignore her instincts, and her advice to me, by helping me out.
Valerie shook her head in skeptical amusement at my poor decision-making before we walked back upstairs. That bit of drama over, I swooped in, picked up Iona (figuratively) and escaped my room before anyone else could intervene. I thought we were doing quite well until I spotted someone sitting on the hood of my car...with a suitcase.
"Hey, Paige, what's up?" I inquired with a good deal of exasperation. It was kind of stupid, actually. I knew exactly what she was doing here; I hadn't invited her and I didn't want her coming along on Iona's weekend.
"I thought I'd let you spend the weekend with me," Paige smiled smugly. A light breeze tossed her alabaster hair across her translucent albino features. "You are late, by the way."
"No, Paige, this is Iona's..." I started to say.
"It would be wonderful spending the weekend with you, Paige," Iona stepped up and hugged her. "It will be so great; their house is huge, Aunt Jill is so kind, and there is the sorority right next door."
"Okay, Paige, you can come along, but this is a no sex weekend. Are we clear?" I warned her.
"We'll see," Paige smirked.
"I plan to sleep both nights in his bed, completely naked and rubbing against him," Iona beamed.
"He'll crack," Paige wagered.
"No, he won't. I trust him," Iona pledged. Paige appraised me for a second.
"Okay, I'm game. We'll see if we can break him," Paige allowed. I once joked with some Kappa Sigmas about joining a monastery. I'm being driven to reconsider that option. After that exchange I was happy enough to make it to my home in one piece. I'd have been happier if there wasn't a police car in the driveway.
I was walking onto the porch when my ladies spoke up.
"Zane, why would the police be here?" Iona worried.
"Zane, if they arrest you and I then attack them, will they let us share a cell?" Paige mused.
"Iona, I have a few ideas and none of them are good," I responded. "Paige, they don't house men and women together, but I can probably smuggle a message to your side and tell all the lesbians what a screamer you are."
Iona didn't get to question and Paige didn't get pick on me before I opened the door and went inside.
"Hey, Aunt Jill," I called out, "I'm home and I've brought Iona Beckett and Paige Zeller with me." We had already talked over Iona's stay with Jill; Paige would be a whole new series of complicated hurdles.
"Zane," Aunt Jill greeted me heartily. She was coming off her lounger while Officer Danica Campbell rose from the sofa and gave me a measured look.
"This is Officer Campbell of the Lancaster Police and she has an official criminal matter to discuss with you," Jill finished in a worried tone.
"Mr. Braxton, if I could have a word with you on the porch," Danica put forth the question that wasn't really a request.
"Of course, officer," I responded. "Ladies, could you please hang out here with Aunt Jill for a few minutes and I should be back as soon as possible."
I walked back to the porch. When Danica passed me, I shut the door and we turned to face one another.
"Zane," Danica smiled.
"Hey, it is good to see you, Officer Danica Campbell, but I have a feeling this isn't a social call," I sighed.
"You are correct. There was an incident at the Dixie Roadhouse last night and your name came up during the inquiry. The Sheriff's Department contacted the PD and I decided that it would be more discrete that I meet you at your home as opposed to on campus," Danica related. "What can you tell me about the Dixie Roadhouse?"
"I went there with a few buddies, got into a fight, and beat a Warlord named Big Ted into unconsciousness," I informed Danica.
"What do you know about a guy named Peter 'Deacon' Baker?" Danica asked.
"He's like a big deal with the local chapter but I don't actually know the guy," I replied. She studied me for a moment then appeared to accept me at my word.
"This is a different crop of girls," she said with smirk.
"Yes, they are friends of mine. Iona is a best bud and Paige is...Paige. She's very smart but very hard to get along with at times too," I explained.
"How is your other friend?" She tried to sound casual. "I was curious if she'd be here tonight."
"I'll tell her that," I grinned. "It will make her week when she hears you've asked about her. She still thinks you are very special."
"She's quite a handful," she grinned back. "Not that I'm complaining. I can hardly get over the sensation of her nipples on my back as she drove into me." Heaven was going to love that, I was sure.
Her eyes wandered northward to the adjoining property. "More girls?" I followed her gaze to see three Kappa Sigmas coming through the tree-line.
"Those are some Kappa Sigma sorority sisters -- friends of mine. They are cool," I told her.
"Uh-huh," she sounded skeptical. "There has to be a story behind that that statement, I'm willing to bet." She pulled out a business card from her breast pocket. "Here's my card, in case something regarding the case occurs to you...or whatever."
The girls were almost on us so I had to whisper.
"You aren't, like, married, or divorced from somebody with violent tendencies, are you?" I inquired softly.
"No," she chuckled, "and cause for you asking that question has to be yet another interesting story, I'll bet. Maybe you can tell me about it if we get together."
"Mr. Braxton," she said a bit louder as she took a half-step back from me, "have a good weekend and try to stay out of trouble."
"I'll do my best, Officer Campbell," I responded.
"Ladies," she made a passing recognition of the Kappa Sigs as she left the porch and headed for the car.
Only when Danica's cruiser pulled onto the road did the Kappas speak.
"Hey, Zane," Leigh spoke up first, "isn't that the speed trap lady?"
"Yeah, she's nailed me before," I admitted, and immediately regretted my choice of words.
"Really?" Paris prodded me. "Isn't she a bit old for you?"
"No -- speed trap -- she pulled me over but I got off with a warning ticket," I back-pedaled.
"So, she got you off," Ferrara skewered me. "Which of her orifices was required for that?"
"Aarrrgghhh," I cried heavenward. "Fine, Iona and Paige Keller are inside. Together with Jill, they will be making dinner for those of us who care to share our table. I have to go a bar and pay off a biker gang chieftain before he hunts me down and kills me."
"Can we come along?" Leigh smiled. "We don't want to fight or anything like that, but I'd like to get some video of it...in case something fun happens."
"That's right," Ferrara joked. "Something like him being beaten up, shot, stabbed, or killed. Leigh, Zane has sustained two beatings on our behalf. Let's not go for a third time before the month's out."
"He didn't take a beating in the second fight," Paris corrected her sister. She was right; in the fight at the mall my opponents hadn't landed a blow.
"I heard he was pretty roughly abused when he went to jail over that," Ferrara gave me a knowing smile.
"All that conjecture is fascinating, ladies, but I do have a guy to pay off so go inside, make yourself at home, and I'll be back soon," I announced. I kissed each sister; Ferrara on the cheek, Paris on the lips, and Leigh with a tonsillectomy. I double-timed it to my car and didn't look back.
THE FADING LIGHT AND THE TIME LORD MAFIA
I made it to the Dixie Roadhouse five minutes late. There were only fifteen bikes parked out front so I figured that if something went wrong I'd only be kinda dead, as opposed to the totally dead -- killed in five or more fashions. There were three biker babes outside the door, drinking beers and talking; one was thankfully Willa. I made sure I had the money before disembarking from my car and heading in.